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Hi need some advice please - Carers UK Forum

Hi need some advice please

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi I have a husband that has vascular dementia,also has ulcerated leg,he is 71 years of age i am 66 i have narrowing of 7 discs in the back arthritic knees, small of the back and both hip joints.
My husband has been diagnosed for 5 years,he is now starting to wet himself also going to the toilet have a back movement and just pulls his boxer shorts up,which i class as a cow pat.
My daughter comes ever day to help she has a 5 year old and she has been nowhere over the 6 weeks break from school,my daughter washes his ulcerated leg,and dresses it and has been for the past 4 months,the district nurse told my daughter that she was doing the same as they do and told my daughter that it was are alright for the daughter to do the leg instead of them.
The husband clawed the ulcerated leg plus the as we say good leg that breaks out when my husband gets infection quite often we though he had burst a vein as there was so much blood,he takes aspirin hence the blood loss.
Now what myself and daughter would like to know my husbands speech goes now and again plus he is deaf(turns deaf aids off).
He can not write or sign his name is going off his food plus the toilet he goes 7 times last night had 2 toast and a small pork pie all day,he is constantly dirtying himself.
I have a small family 2 sons live far away a daughter that is a godsend,my husband has been taken off the road i do not drive i go out once a week to shop food shopping when my daughter takes me, the husband has to come along,and he is likely to smell even though we are on top of the smell ,also he can no longer be left alone.
Social services have been informed 5 weeks nothing done when the daughter phoned she was told your mum is the main carer,he denies saying about button so i know where my husband is or a sitter so i can go without husband shopping he also weighs 20 and a half stone,both myself and daughter have cried buckets cleaning a full grown man.Her dad has lost all his privacy the daughter gave him a flannel to cover his private parts while she cleans his behind he just dropped the flannel.
We do not know where to go who to see we just need someone on the other end of a phone when the going gets tough.
I do care from teatime to bedtime the daughter does 9 until tea time.i know some one said i want my life i understand exactly.
any help would be appreciated.
You need to see about getting a carers assessment via social services ASAP. Are you and your daughter able to talk to husbands GP?


There is some advice on this link that may be of help to you and daughter.
Thank you for the answer, yes we had to go and see my husbands doctor ,on Monday,she told us to keep chasing the social service the man that called from social services was working from home,and my daughter was given his phone number,the daughter was telling him how things had changed within days, the wetting started 2 days ago the other we have had for a month with 1 day in between,bed changing daily,i can not believe every day something else is not working.we have never had this before and both can not understand how little help is out there.
You need to get an assessment for hubby immediately and a carers assessment for yourself, don't take no for an answer from Social Services. x x
Thank you no1mum,My daughter thinks we were assessed when the man from social services came he came because the district nurse came to see my husbands legs ,she asked if social services had been, we told her we phoned a month ago,the district nurse went to the social services and told them to get to our house and see what we are putting up with,my husband sat in the chair and he never spoke to him only us but shook his hand when he left,and nothing for 3 weeks until the phone call he said i will get onto it NOTHING .that was Monday.
Get on the phone to them first thing Monday morning and keep pushing them for answers.........unfortunately in this day and age you HAVE to keep on at them to get anything done.
Thank you no1 mum,i will do thank you for taking the time to reply
Take care hugs xx
No1Mum is right Mave. I think what we have to do in situations like this is to be sure that WE take control, rather than let the system take control of us. Of course the District Nurse will say your daughter can do the dressings - or anyone else who is around to take some of the work off their hands. Is it really appropriate that your daughter, with a child herself, has to clean up after her Father and dress his ulcers? Probably not.

Maybe you ought to be telling SS, and your GP, that your daughter is not able to help you to this extent any more, that you cannot physically do it and that you cannot get out as you can't leave hubby alone but as he can't look after himself in the hygiene area, you can't take him out with you.

Perhaps if you don't feel comfortable being a bit assertive with all the medical bods, your daughter could speak to them - or one of your sons? The key is not to take "No" for an answer or be fobbed off with them telling you about long waiting lists etc - they have a Duty of Care to you. Be sure to tall them that hubby cannot wash himself - this is one of the main criteria for accessing help.

It seems vital that you get an assessment both for hubby and yourself a.s.a.p!
Thank you ladybird17,Thank you for taking the time to answer,the funny part is i worked for private care and social services care,the care was always there i was retired on ill health.
My daughter and i had a good talk my husband is now double incontinent,and my daughter came to put her dad in the shower as the smell was getting bad,he has two bandaged legs she took the bandages off him and put him in the shower,and then re-bandaged his legs covered him in talc and deodorant the smell now is good.
She has now gone back home to do what she has to do,and she said i only just realized how much dad takes up and you get neglected,having a small family and now he has 1 friend to visit we are recluses,i can not go out and leave him also he can not go with me with the double incontinence.
My daughter takes me shopping once a week and every fortnight i visit a 82 year old bedridden lady for 2 hours that is my outing.
We will have a good go with ss tomorrow .
Let you know the outcome .
once again thank you
hi just wanted to say welcome