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hi just new to this .carer to my grandparents - Page 4 - Carers UK Forum

hi just new to this .carer to my grandparents

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
75 posts
Attendance Allowance for your grandmother should be around £83 plus your grandfather's allowance, that's a lot of money. On top of that, if their income is purely benefit related, they will both get extra pension "premiums" as they are both disabled!!! So they really should be helping you much more than they are. Attendance Allowance is supposed to be for the extra cost of caring, not for squirrelling it away for a rainy day!
Maybe speak to our CUK helpline for more information about benefits and entitlements?
I'm really concerned that you are spending some of the best years of your life doing so much and getting so little in return. This is partly why you should plan a "holiday" from caring for a week or two, so everyone appreciates just how much you are doing.
Hmm,. make sure YOU 'can't be bothered' when your mum gets as old as her parents....

What goes around must come around.
Yes thank you. I actually made an appointment today with a benefit advisor for monday whos going look into everything for me.defo something i needed to know as pretty much in the dark prob with alot of stuff regarding this. And defo looking into getting a holiday booked to give myself a break and it will give everyone a real eye opener as to how much i do do also.so muchore postive im making these changes
You will feel a lot happier when you feel you are in charge, in control of the situation. When you think of yourself as a Care Manager, rather than doing something just because no one else could be bothered. I had counselling to help me deal with my disabled mum's endless jobs, it worked wonders for me.
As well as your grandparents not wanting to do anything different, because any change at that age can be difficult, I suspect you may also get pressure from your mum and sister. This will be motivated by first their guilt for doing nothing, and their desire to continue to do nothing. Just ignore it, maybe think in advance of what you are going to say, maybe "I'm doing my share, what are you doing?" There is also "I have just as much a right to a life of my own as you".
Finally, and I know it's a difficult subject, think about what would happen if one of your grandparents died. Would the other be capable of staying at home? Which funeral director would you use? Given their age and condition, they are not likely to have many more years left. A bit of forward thinking and planning at this stage, before it's needed, will be much easier than at a time of emergency. This is actually something your mum, not you, should be considering, perhaps suggest it to her?
That is the approach im taking now seeing myself asa care manager instead of care giver .so im looking forward to being more assertive and the changes thats going hapen. Spoke to mum yesterday about everything she was a little relculant about it saying you know what they are like they wont like it i said im thinking of myself for a change and this is the way its going be.
My grandparents have discussed funeral plans to me and know what funeral director and things so im glad that way it wont be pannicking. And my grandfather could remain at home if my grandmother passed with help with his shopping and stuff but grandmother needs are far more she needs round the clock care so she needs to think what would happen if thats the case. When granda went into hosp i got her fited with buzzer for security around neck and requested a sit in service at nights from carers but was unable to get a sit.she remain on her own with me calling throughout day and having buxzer at night because she refused to go into respite
Your dear mum can say all she likes that 'they won't like it' but tough. She clearly just wants you to go and sort it all out as she 'can't be bothered'. Ditto with your sister.

Ignore them. They only get to have a say if they actually get off their backsides and DO something!

YOU are the care manager here, YOU decide what happens. If anyone refuses to participate, you resign the job of Care Manager and GO.

With your gran refusing respite, yes, well, she can only successfully refuse it if YOU go in and look after her the way you did last time! That's the point - we HAVE to 'call their bluff' otherwise they have us under their thumb.

We can feel as sorry for them as we like, but since you are giving up SO MUCH for them THEY have to 'give something back'. If that means your gran 'putting up' with respite then that's what she must do. For YOUR sake. Otherwise she is being selfish. She may never see it that way but again, that does not matter.

It's great you are moving forward so well now - so wishing you all the best in this new regime as Care Manager. :)
PS - do point out to your mum that since you are doing HER caring for HER parents, that that means you've 'done' your 'caring duties', so that when and as the time comes that your mum needs care, you will NOT be giving it to her.

Please make this VERY clear to her. You are 'using up' your 'care time' on HER parents, so you will not have any 'left' for your mum. Tell her that loud and clear. And then make sure you do just that. She can go in a home or be looked after by strangers, but YOU will be head chef at the Savoy and FAR too busy to look after her!!!!
Your defo right i wont be doing any future caring for mother as i have done this for grandparents that is my caring aspect done i think thats only fair
It is indeed only fair. You must stay firm on this.

One point in your mum's 'defence' maybe (not sure how ill her ill health makes her), is that it could be that as a daughter, she finds her parents more 'intimidating' than you do. Our parents do 'train' us as they bring us up, and it could be that actually YOU find it easier to 'stand up' to your grandparents than your mum does, as she has been 'trained' for longer by them.

You are 'one step removed' and so less 'programmed'. Also, in a way, being two generations away from them, not one like your mum, means that you - sorry, this sounds a bit awful but its true! - 'expect' them to die quite soon because they are 'very very old'. What I'm getting at here is that grandchildren aren't as bothered when their grandparents die because to a grandchild (even an adult one), grandparents are SO old that 'of course' they will die .....it's what grandparents do.....

(Hope that isn't coming out wrong!!)

And unless there has been a particularly close emotional bond, a grandchild is also usually 'one step removed' emotionally as well - the heartstrings are 'looser' so to speak.

Does that make sense at all? (It's not always true of course, sometimes we are emotionally closer to a grandparent than to a parent for various reasons.)

What I'm trying to get at (clumsily alas) is that as a grandchild you may actually find it easier to deal both with your grandparents and with their demise, for the above reasons.

Anyway, irrespective of that, do hope this week brings good, robust practical changes to your life, to free up more time for you and restarting your career.

All the very best with it, KR, Jenny
Thank you very. That all makes perfect sense completely.thats the way i feel and it is true . Im already feeling less stressed knowing i can finally do my own thing after all these years running and doing so much.didnt realise there was so much more option. Thank you so much
75 posts