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hi just new to this .carer to my grandparents - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

hi just new to this .carer to my grandparents

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75 posts
Thank you yesterday for all your support has def shed a new light on everything. I didnt realise that i can refuse to do the care i cant do and get the extra help. So now i have contacted grandparents care manger to get more help and have an appointment with benefit advisor on monday to get advice and start looking for part time work.hope this is the beginning of a new chapter and i will still be visiting grandparents but not be trapped down with all the caring with there complex needs. Thank you
That sounds much more positive - well done!

Chefing in a way sounds like an 'ideal' job to 'fit around' time also spent with your grandparents, doesn't it? For a start it's presumably mostly evenings (or lunch?), and is there an option on part time? But it does sound inherently more flexible than a nine-to-five office job?? (Though probably a lot more tiring and pretty stressful during the rush!!)

I think when talking to your g.parents it may be a good idea not to make 'a big deal' out of it. If you adopt a cheery attitude, along the lines of 'Now, Gran/Gramps, I'm organising to get more help in for you, as you get on a bit now, and since I'm going to be back at work for some of the time - about time I earned some wages! - so that should free up more of my time to 'keep company' with you rather than having to slave away in the laundry/kitchen/housework etc'.

A sort of 'bright and cheerful' manner, but with a 'it's all done and dusted!' (ie, this is not up for debate, this has all been set up now!) 'assumption', BUT allowing your grandparents what might be called 'rearranging the deck chairs option' - ie, give them a bit of choice over say WHEN a new care-worker comes in, not over WHETHER!.

Remember that very old people tend to be a lot slower in body and mind - I can remember my own father feeling, now I look back, 'hustled' by my bro and me as we sorted things out around him - that said, I myself now can feel similarly 'hustled' when my son does similar to me! (I want to say - slow down, I need to think about this!)(too late!!!). You may need to 'feel your way' with your grandparents, but, always keeping in mind that 'things are changing now' in the way their care is delivered.

You may want to come up with 'useful mantras' such as ''you're not getting any younger, so you do need more help", or as above "Time I earned some wages and got back to work!" (glossing over the 'work' you have been drudging away at for years now!).

Another useful 'line' to take with them might be one that resonates well with most of us, especially the elderly, is 'You've paid your taxes all your life! Time to get something back from the government now!' (ie, care help). This can help counter something that is very common in their generation, an assumption that any 'help' given by the state means they are 'going on the social' or whatever, as if they are 'living on benefits'.

(It can be highly ironic that the elderly can often be 'too proud' to accept 'state help'....yet be perfectly happy to turns their children/grandchildren into drudges and skivvies!!!!!!!)

BUT, one way to counter that 'I don't want welfare thank you very much!' is to say 'But you go to the NHS doctor happily enough, and don't see that as 'welfare' do you? So social care/careworkers is exactly the same as the NHS.'

Wishing you, anyway, all the very best in the 'new look' to your life. I know you say your mum has her own health problems, but if they are not mental health ones, then is it any help to sit down with her and describe the 'new care plan' for her parents (I take it they are hers, not your dad's?).

But definitely write it all down, a list of 'What I want' and 'What I don't want', in order to clear your mind, and prioritise your goals. It will mean action on multiple fronts, as you say, eg, speaking to their care manager, plus job hunting, plus talking to (telling!) your grandparents (I wouldn't tell them until you've sorted the extra care - present a fait accompli!) (that's another 'mantra' by the way, to simply say to them 'I can't change things now, Gran, it's all been organised' - and also 'Well, let's give it a go, Gramps, and see how it works out' )(allow them to grumble a bit - that doesn't matter, so long as you are getting more free time - their criticism may be inevitable alas, and they would do it about anything, so it might as well be about something that is freeing up your time!)

So, onwards and upwards, and I do think this is a sensible way forward for you - it leaves your grandparents with 'good time' with you, and yet allows you time for your own career and your own leisure.

All the best with it - keep posting whenever you want to 'report on progress' (!) or if you hit blocks etc. There is so much cumulative experience on this forum, both on the 'psychological' aspects of caring, and on the practical aspects, that I'm sure that one of us somewhere has 'got the t-shirt'.

Cheers for now, Jenny
PS - one of the main benefits of this forum I think is that it serves as a kind of sounding board as well, and what we 'hear back' is what we actually wanted to do, but just appreciated some 'validation' maybe for what we intended. :)
Yes you are so right thats my plans exactly.get all the help added in first and get accepted into job then light and breezy explain the situation reassuring them they will be getting extra help and i can be out earning a wage and have time to visit. Thank you for all your best wishes

All the very best, and do let us know how you get on.

PS - do be prepared for (a) grumbling/complaints/objections etc and/or (b) tears (or similar). Part of this will be a natural 'kick back' that you have made decisions about them that they did not want to make (ie, they just wanted things to continue 'as is'), but also may be simply a question of letting them 'get used' to the new way (the elderly can be 'set in their ways')(I'm getting pretty set in mind already!!!!!)

PPS - when you've got 'the new set up' in place and running smoothly, the next thing on your Agenda is going to be 'take a holiday' - even a short break. I'm sure you well deserve one by now.
They will inevitably say "I don't want........" What they want and what they NEED are very different. From now need that matters. After all, you don't want to get to 40 and realise how many opportunities you have missed out on because of them.
Yes defo think its time to think more of needs than what suits just . Im peepared for huffs and puffs lol but once its all ready in place think it will be far benefical that it will be something that they qont struggle with after all. Thank you for the envouragement. Needed to this after 5 long years nows time to put it in action and yes holiday will defo be on the cards lol
Sorry i just the other part of post. Yes its my mummys parents but my mother and sister are not willing to commit to do anything even though they live in same street i live furtherest away in different area so that part i resent too which left me feeling sorry for grandparents that they dont get help from them but now its too much for me think i have done far more than my share and need to put myself 1st and their needs will still be met knowing that there is help there for them
Why has mum opted out? Your grandparents should be paying you for your petrol and expenses you incur going to visit them, at very least, out of their Attendance Allowance. Do you know what their will says? It would be very hurtful if they left everything to mum, who doesn't help.
This is a very real issue for many carers, who have given years of their lives to caring for an elderly relative, only to find the estate is split equally between all the children, or even worse, that the person giving the care gets absolutely nothing. My mum changed her will to reflect the fact that I did all the caring, my brother visited once or twice a year if he was lucky. He wasn't happy when he discovered I inherited the lions share of her estate!
Others have waited knowing a relative is planning on leaving them a nest egg, only then the relative has gone into care, their house has been sold the savings have gone, and the carer who has given up work, maybe for years, has ended up with nothing.
It's really important that you value the work you are giving your grandparents - in my area the rate is £10+ per hour at least and that's for one person, not two!!
My mum just said she cant be bothered being tied down with it as she has her life now and childminds her grandson and stuff and some day she doesnt be well with her health recovering from operation . I do ask for my taxi fare if im short going back and forward although thats only 3 pound going i walk back. They dont own their own home and only recieve benefits no savings so no will there. Ano i have heard that with familys would be a nighmare
75 posts