hi just new to this .carer to my grandparents

[stacey _1705]

Is it just assumed that you will do all this? Do they have a dishwasher, tumble dryer etc. to make your role easier? Are they both claiming Attendance Allowance? Do they pay you for all the care you provide? I'm really concerned that you are a young person who should be enjoying life. Do you have any life of your own at all? Sorry, I don't usually ask so many questions, I'm just concerned for you and your situation, trying to think of ways to help.

Lol i know its so demanding. I made sure that when they were purchasing new goods that a tumble dryer is there..its a lifesaver for everything lol.yes just assumed i will do it. I am a paid carer for my granda receiving 62 pound a week carers allowance but would love a job having a wage. I am getting more assertive now with the amount of care expected because i know my granny could recieve more care as she has a care package but they refused the services. I do this from the mornings until 3 afternoon so i get home to do my own things also

[stacey _1705]

Is it just assumed that you will do all this? Do they have a dishwasher, tumble dryer etc. to make your role easier? Are they both claiming Attendance Allowance? Do they pay you for all the care you provide? I'm really concerned that you are a young person who should be enjoying life. Do you have any life of your own at all? Sorry, I don't usually ask so many questions, I'm just concerned for you and your situation, trying to think of ways to help.

.i know its very demanding of them. Yes i made sure when they were getting new kitchen equipment that they got tumble dryer great help. Yes mostly just asumed i will do all with granny too. I recieve 62 a week cares allowance for looking after my grandfather. I go up each morning do all this try n get home for after 3 so i can i have my own time but it is very demanding everyday

[stacey _1705]

I know its very demanding. Its really assumed i will help out with my grannys care. I am a paid carer for my granda which i recieve 62 a week carers allowance for. They dont recieve attendance allowance. Yes i made sure there was a tumble dryer bought when they were getting new kitchen appliances because this helps me. It is very demanding cause both of them are ill its just not the one person thats needing help.i go up each morning to their house and stay to after 3 each day to get wverything done to enable me to get home to sort my own stuff out but you cant do this in crisis sometimes if one takes ill or whatever. Thank you for your concern appreciate any suugestions .thank you]

[bowlingbun]

If you nan was in a nursing home it would cost over £1000 per week! Are you receiving Carers Allowance from the DWP? If so, then one or other of them must be receiving either Attendance Allowance or Disability Living Allowance (payable if they were disabled before the age of 65).
If nan has been offered more help by Social Services, but turned it down, did anyone tell you that you could be paid for this work, instead of outside carers, under what is called "Direct Payments". When Social Services assessed your grandparents needs, they should also have done a "Carers Assessment" for you, and talk to you about whether anything else would help you to care for them.

[stacey _1705]

Thank you for this information.they are both on dla so i recieve carers allowance from dwp. I wasnt aware of direct payments or offered carers assesmtent at all.in the my grannys care plan it details that i do all other caring for both her and my granda. My granda refused a care plan for himself did not take any services so left to me really

[bowlingbun]

Start by asking Social Services for an assessment.
It is very wrong of your grandparents to reject help which is offered and expect you to do it instead. You are NOT a little girl any more! The only power they have over you is the power you let them have. It is very clear that neither of them are really taking into consideration the effect they are having on your life.
Drip feed the idea to them that the more help they accept the longer they can stay at home together, but now their needs are so very high, they MUST accept every scrap of help offered. There's one of you and two of them. Even caring for one person with such high care needs would be very difficult. Your grandpa MUST have his own Needs Assessment now.
When did you last take a week's holiday?!

[jenny lucas]

Stacey - one of the sad things that seems to happen to very old people is that they become 'tunnel-visioned' on themselves. They really don't see how much goes into looking after them. To them it's 'just giving them a hand'. If you wrote down a list of what you do, and a' 'timesheet' to account for every task you do all day till mid afternoon, every day, it would be a HUGE amount!

Yes, it's good they have a tumble dryer etc, but what they don't give you is TIME. For them, too, I expect they think (if they think at all!) 'Well, she's a young woman, she's got plenty of time left - we haven't.

BUT, they have HAD their lives! What was your gran doing at your age, what was your granddad doing? Were they spending each and every day looking after THEIR grandparents the way you are?
,
The very elderly DO become very 'self-focussed'. They don't think about others very much, and they certainly don't seem to care much that you are devoting your entire life to them! Do they think maybe 'Well, Stacey doesn't have a husband to look after, so of course she's got nothing to do except look after us! She should be glad we're giving her something to do!' (or whatever.)

The elderly also very much like 'family' to look after them. Yes, it's natural - and maybe if you had four sisters that would be OK - you could all share them out between you.

But you're not their housekeepr or servant or skivvy - and if there is work that outsiders could do just as well as you, well, that is what should be happening, whether or not your grandparents want that.

I could be really blunt and say, if they truly loved you, they would never want to eat up your precious youth.

You say, I think, you are 32? How long have you been looking after them? How long will you have to go on looking after them? For two years, four years, six years....will you still be looking after one/both of them when you turn 40 and your youth is gone for ever???

To be absolutely frank with you, I think you should get in touch with SS and tell them you are getting a part time job, eg, mornings perhaps, so you will only be able to put in a couple of hours on your grandparents after lunch (after that it's your free time - note YOUR free time to spend on YOU!).

A part time job might be a good compromise, and even a good 'first stage'. It will give you more work experience, get you 'out of the house' amongst other people, back in the world of work, bring in some money for yourself, etc.

Remember, you can earn a certain amount and still claim carers allowance, it depends, I believe, on how much time you spend caring (so tot that up). That said, you could well find that earning wages is more profitable than taking Carers Allowance anyway!

But I do think things have to change you know. Your grandparents care needs will only increase with time, and yes, one day they may need residential care, but until then, a mix of FAR MORE care-workers and 'some' care from you, is better than what you are giving up for them now.

It's great your're getting more assertive - way to go!!!

[stacey _1705]

Thank you .you are so right in everything you say. Thats the thoughts i do think like why dont they persuade me just to go out to work have my own life and they can get all the help offered to meet all there needs. And exactly they were bringing up a family together at my age so its wrong of them to expect me to look after them so much .i have been doing this from 27 years of age but its becoming more demanding now. So i can definitly see what changes i need to make because they are unwilling to accept any changes so its up to me to do this.so i have contacted their local social workers to talk anout thier care plan needs and my needs now have changed that its double the workload now with them both ill and i need my own life .thank you for all your words it sum up everything how i am feeling

[jenny lucas]

Stacey, if you read around on this forum, you will see that time and time again what is advised (by those who have been there and got the t-shirt!), is that carers have to change from 'asking' their carees what care they would like and from whom and 'telling' them what care they are going to get and from whom!

The thing is, because of the development of 'self-focus' in the very elderly (and maybe, to be fair to them, they know their days are numbered and they become 'ruthless' with anyone who is younger than them??)(Maybe we'll get like that too, when we get very very old!), they will never really be able to see it from our point of view.

Waiting for them to 'agree' to being looked after by professional care workers (let alone 'offering' to be so looked after!) you'll be there all day - it won't happen. From their point of view why should they agree to something they don't want?

So, yes, you do have to firm up, and increasingly become 'the parent' who 'tells' them what is going to happen (because we still want to respect them, the trick is to 'tell' them the important things, but ask them about the unimportant things - so they still get a sense they are being listend to and getting their own way on some things.)

You can justify it by, for example, as I suggested, getting a job, or simply stating 'I can't do this any more - it's getting too exhausting to do single handedly! Time to get in more help.'

One of the things that also comes up in the forum is this - that when we 'hand over' our elders to professional carers, it means the time we spend with them now becomes 'quality time' - not 'drudge' time.

If you knew that careworkers were doing a lot more of the things yo uare doing, then when you visit your grandparents instead of, say, doing their laundry, you can make a cup of tea, sit down with them, get out a box of old photos or whatever and say 'OK, Gran/Gramps, now who are these people?'......

Please do get ALL the 'family history' you can - you can sit down with them, maybe, and draw up a family tree, or a list of places they lived from a child onwards, or the work they did, or whatever - while they are still with you. One day you will have that to tell to your own children. It will keep your memories of your grandparents alive, and importantly, right now, it will give a lot more purpose to their lives - they are passing on their family history to the next generation. Remembering it all as you write it down, etc, is also good for keeping their minds alert and keep dementia at bay.

If you show the plus side of having care workers in, they may (eventually!) agree it was a good thing - they may even say it was their idea!

eg, you can say 'It's so nice having the time now to sit down with you and go through these photos, and know that nice Mrs xxx is doing the washing up' (or whatever).

It could be, you see, that what your grandparents REALLY want is 'you', their grand-daughter - and maybe they want you to do the 'drudge work' of caring because they fear that if you don't, they'll never see you. But if you swap (some of!) your new free time to spending 'nice time' with them, then they will stop being afraid you won't visit them.

You'll have to be a mix of patient (but determined), and cunning, and tactful and 'ruthless' as well, but it can be done, and hopefully that will make things SO much easier for you.

What kind of job would you like to get, once you are no longer a fulltime carer for your grandparents?? What did you do before you had to stop work?

[stacey _1705]

That really is the way i was thinking of doing things keeping them informed of there is going be more help brought in and this will give me time to pop in make tea have a good chat with then instead of stuck in kitchen cooking and doing laundry so its quality time.even some one bringing i their shopping will give me a hour to myself. Things do need to change to give more happiness to me and peace of mind they are getting all their care met by different people. So going to get this sorted. I previously was cooking chefing in small restuarant but i didnt know if it would be suitable being a part time carer as my i have been approached by care company as i have lots of expercience but dont know if i need a change of scenery lol. Thank you for all your advice i am taking all this aboard to make my changes as you are right they wont agree so its best for me to put it right now