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hi just new to this .carer to my grandparents - Page 7 - Carers UK Forum

hi just new to this .carer to my grandparents

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
75 posts
Just an update..still getting pestered to do all the care .they are taking any other care still apart fro lm personal care .i can do my grandas care but not responsible for grannys care too.endless phonecalls.text mother this morning for help to call in and do her mothers morphine patch as im busy this morn.no reply. Granny wasnt not on speaking terms with me as much cause im not willing to do everything now.not feeling guilty over it but could do without the pressure
Sorry i meant they are not taking any other care apart from personal care.still need shopping cleaning meals go to doctors get meds give meds etc done for them
Hold firm, Stacey!

This 'push back' from 'abandoned carees' (!!!!!) is VERY common, and totally predictable. They are desperate to get things 'back to normal' (which, for them, means YOU doing everything you used to do!).

If they don't accept more than personal care, that is their problem NOT YOURS.

Stick to your guns. You've escaped - stay free.

Come back here for any reassurance on that.

It's NOT 'your problem' - don't let them try and make it yours. It's sad, but there it is. They MUST eventually accept more care, but if you 'give in' now on ANYTHIGN they will push and beg and plead and nag to get more and more and more until you are right back with the chains tightly around you, suffocating you.

Read your own first posts to this forum here, to remind you WHY you had to do what you are doing now.

And maybe change your phone number??!!!!!!!

Stay cool, all best, Jenny

(You love them, but you are NOT their 'slave' - the two don't go together! Never forget that.)
Thank you jenny. Was just feeling so stressed this morn with the constant ringing and barrage of phone calls. Its good to know this is common when taking step back. I know i cant go back to do everything its not healthy for me and no life for me to me doing it so thank u i will stick to my guns and not give in.just wish they would change there ways and take help they are offered instead of saying no i will do it then ringing n ringing assuming im going jump
Stacey, think of 'operant conditioning' which I think is the term used in behavioural psychology when it applies to the 'stimulus-response' event.

Your grandparents have got used to 'calling on you' (ie, the stimulus) and you 'respond' by rushing to do what they want.

Now they are calling you, but you aren't responding 'in the right way' (for them!)....so they are 'increasing the stimulus' (ie,phoning you more, turning away other carers etc) in order, so they hope, to FINALY get the 'response' from you they crave....ie, you go back to their 'normal' as I said earlier.

BUT, operant conditioning CAN be broken if the 'responder' (you!) fails to do what the stimulus is intended to achieve. That's why I say 'stay firm' - eventually they WILL accept outside help....or make the decision to do with out. (Their call!)

But they will very likely 'push you to the edge' in a last ditch attempt to 'get you back in line'.

I don't say they are doing this with conscious intent, or maliciously, it's just that they want you the way you were, because they are now, sadly, the 'elderly toddlers' we talk about here on the forum.

You still love them, you still care for them, you will still spend time with them (but QUALITY time - ie, 'companionship time') while they get the 'boring stuff' (eg shopping, cleaning etc) done by someone else (ie, outside carer.)

Do remember what another carer says here on the forum, that sometimes our 'elders' simply 'invent' stuff that 'has to be done by us' simply as a means of seeing us. THey fail to realise that actually, we WILL see them, we WILL spend time with them.....but not 'wasting' it on things like shopping and cleaning and so on.

Until that sinks in, you'll get that barrage of 'come back come back come back come back!'....because they are still 'fighting' that you have broken free. They have 'taken you for granted' (again, not in a horrid deliberate way), and simply don't realise how much you've done for them, and the price you've paid for it.

You know that IF they were both 'young and well' they would be highly unlikely to be this 'demanding'....but they are old and frail, and that's why we can't expect them to see just how much we do for them. (My poor MIL was the same when I first settled her into residential care - she said plaintively to me 'We dont' see very much of each other these days'....as she simply hadn't realised that 'living with me' ....as she had been...had simply put my own life TOTALLY on hold - she had no idea how much I was 'giving up' for her....it's so sad, but there it is.)

So, stay firm, and whilst you love them, you can't go back to the 'bad old days' for you.

All best, Jenny
Jenny thank you for taking the time out for giving me all this guidance.it all makes perfect sense to me what your saying.it defo is that way they are putting on more pressure to get me back to doing everything again which isnt going happen so they will have to eventually take outside help. I need to do this for my own sanity and well being thats why i had to make these changes. They have lived their life married life children working etc so they will have to realise im entitled to have a life.life goes by so quickly i have lost a few family members who have died suddenly including my own father who went to work and was killed by a lorry on the building site in a terrible accident .it was the last day on the job to before xmas and was buried on xmas eve so this makes me want to make a real grip on life as i know how precious it is
Stacey, how absolutely dreadful about your poor father - what a horrible, horrible thing to happen.....

It has, indeed, taught you how precious life is, how we should never 'put off' things that may not come again.....

Carpe diem - seize the day. We don't know what's around the corner for ourselves, so we must really make the most of the time we do have.

I know your grnadparents desperately want you 'back' but really, they seem to want you for things that 'anyone' could do for them (ie, external carers), so it really would be a waste of the unique relationship they have with you.

ie, you are their granddaughter, so why 'waste' you on doing something someone else could do?

What good things have you planned for yourself for the summer? I think you mentioned earlier you have a holiday booked in Spain for September? Whereabouts? Any other 'little treats' for yourself along the way? I do hope so!

Hang on in there!
It defo has give me a different outlook in life to make the most of it and seizing the day. I love the quote carpe diem. I know this is the point im trying to get accross to them having more of a care package will give me valuable time with them instead of hasseled with all the mudane task.when i go up my granda has a list for shopping 3 times a week they like to get wee bits in like that fresh rather than a weekly shop then list for doctors for ordering medication some i have to stroke out cause its too early for ordering but he would say i would rather have loads there incase we run out lol so i understand the point of the other person on forum saying just needless task they make up for you too i could go on and on lol.
yes 4 days in tormilenous im not sure if thats the correct spelling but its in malaga .really looking forward to the break. I was getting 6 week complientary therapies of local health centre reflexology it was so good to unwind they have now ended so looking into to something else to unwind.might start walking in these lovely evenings
Stacey, very much hope YOU are still not doing the shopping, getting in meds? If you are, do only ONE shop/meds run a WEEK. Just say no.

The trouble is, very old people have to be blunt very 'boring lives' - already, in my sixties, my life is 'closing down' in the sense of what I do every day. I 'potter around a lot', that sort of thing.

With my MIL, what she LIKED doing was 'going to the supermarket and going round it very very slowly pushing a trolley'....to her, it was a BIG thing to do, and she enjoyed it! She did very little else except 'shop'.

For young folk, though, you have LOADS of things to do, and shopping is just something to be done as fast as possible and 'done' so you can then get on with better stuff.

So your grandparents kind of 'eke out' the tasks as that is all there is in their lives.......

Torremolinos is very famous! (lots of night life for you I suspect :)). Enjoy!!!!!!!
Yes jenny i have cut back from three shop runs to just a weekly shop.if they need anything i have put up at a list of phone numbers of the rest of the family who actually live in same street as them while im furtherest away.and i do meds ordering weekly only in emergencys if its a new med i will go. Before it was everyday needless stuff as you say this is their only needs so make a big chore of it but its down to me to say no as they were offered shopping in care package but refused lol.
yes cant wait to get on holiday to be honest i will just be happy lazing round the pool at morns walking round the town during the day and relaxing at nights lol.thank you
75 posts