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Hi I'm new and wondered if I could vent - Carers UK Forum

Hi I'm new and wondered if I could vent

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi I'm new, I'm 30 with 2 children. Two boys 4 and 8 years old, my 8 year was diagnosed with autism aged 2. Work full time and study from home. I also help my disabled granny, who has Ms.

Recently I've really been resenting her, I feel a lot of guilt over this and I'm just going to jump feet first into a rant/vent/off load before I have a break down, that is in no way a joke I honestly feel like I'm going to loose my mind and just slip into a deep depression with a big possibility of being hospitalised.

So my gran is 75, she's had ms since her 20s. At the moment she's mobile with help of a walker, but needs a wheel chair to leave the house. She falls a lot, doesn't go anywhere despite my begging her to let me take her for walks, lunches ect. Now I understand she's in pain, but I think a lot of the way she is stems from seeing nothing but the same 4 walls and the supermarket every week.
She's so negative, and I'll say it a shit stirrer, constantly trying to start family conflicts between myself and my sisters, constantly berates people, for being unclean (her disabled neighbour who has zero help) , not manily enough (her neighbours son who she heard cry after his girlfriend dumped him, push he has mental health issues), her own friend for being wierd or her friends daughter for her parenting style. Her granddaughters, complete strangers any one and everyone she finds something to pick at, and then she says the same insults over and over day after day for years. :cry:

I go up every few days after work in between study, just to make sure she's OK, otherwise she might go days without seeing anyone.
At one point my uncle (her son) lived with her, he was removed due to stealing her money, generally talking to her like shit and being his usual lazy and ungrateful self. My sister dealt with this mainly, cancelling her bank card, calling the police, dropping off his stuff. She also works full time (more hours than me) and was at university to. We used to alternate taking her shopping and pooing in, but my sister has since stopped due to 1) my grans behaviour and negative attitude 2) the fact my gran has again let our uncle back into her house after he treated her so badly leaving us to pick up the pieces. This has annoyed me to, but this isn't the first time he's done it and it won't be the last, this time I'll have to deal with it all alone.
Apart from putting everything and everyone down she's also very demanding. Examples:
She called at 6pm to tell me she had no milk, so I leave my tea with my children and husband to drop off milk. Only to find my uncle was there when she called me :mad:
I went on the first holiday me and my husband had had in 6 years, I took her shopping the day before, was away 4 nights and saw her the day after I got back. I walked in and she greets me with "oh so you care enough to check I'm still alive" :shock:
She asks my husband to do a lot of DIY for her, he runs his own business and works 6 days a week. He leaves at 7am and comes in at 7pm, so when he can have the rare full weekend he spends it putting up her fence or higher ing and lower her chair (which she always changes her mind about after a few days it's to low or its to high now can he change it) :roll: but if he can't do it straight away she will remain me daily till its done.
She never asks my uncle to do anything, in fact she cooks for him, buys him shopping, I'm sure she even does his washing. Her excuse is he pays rent to his friend and can't afford it. He works but we all have bills to pay, he is just financially abusing her and playing on her emotionally. Her curtains fell down in her bedroom, I'd just started retraining and had a phone call a day till I had time to get her new pole and curtains and put them up for her, my uncle was there every day yet never bothered to do anything about it.
She also constantly makes comments about how I look, my work involves a lot of dirt and oil, so I wear scruffs and big work boots, I don't have time to go and change before seeing her or taking her shopping, if I did I'd be late picking up my kids as straight after shopping I have to do the school run. Yet she'll say "those awful botts you always wear" "I can't believe you take me out like that" she even comments about my weight. I went on a diet and she told me how I don't need to I'm fine the way I am, in the next few days she then tell me how I still look pregnant 4 years on :angry: I'm a size 12 :silly: she also constantly tells me to stop spending all my money (I have no idea where she gets it from)
It's not just me, my eldest sister came back from Thailand and her first response was "you've put on lots of weight" she slaggs off her life choices (my sister doesn't want to get married or have kids, my youngest sister is currently having issues with her relationship and my gran tells her she brought it all on herself, believe me when I say my sister and even her boyfriend have a great relationship its just a bump right now.

Honestly it's getting to the point I don't want to go round, don't want to take her shopping. I can see why my sister avoids her, my mum and her fell out years ago, my uncle is more than useless. I feel like just not showing up anymore calling ss and leaving her to it. I have no life or time to do anything yet she piles on more and more demands. My family life sufferers when she calls wanting me to drop stuff to her or pick up this or fix this and that.
I can't help but think what the f would happen if something happened to me? She can't treat people like this, especially those she relys on to help her with day to day life.
I feel like I'm ready to snap :cry: :cry: :cry:
You need to learn how to "control" gran. It can be done!

I'll be back later.
Kaye
Good Vent!!! :D
Much needed, but it won't achieve much until you realise that she will never change, her habits and personality are too ingrained. She wouldn't be any happier if she did go out, it would just give her more to moan about. Imho there's some personality disorder underlying somewhere.

Secondly, you don't have to care for her. There is no law saying so. One sister has already withdrawn, so could you.

You have already done so much for her, but the downside of that is she will just expect more and more

It's all got a bit out of balance, it's all swung her way.

Start thinking about how much you actually want to do, and how much you can realistically do, having put your families needs first. The two will probably be very different. Then we support you to make changes.

Kr
MrsA

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Kaye,

You are doing too much. Something has to give, or you will make yourself very ill. I did!

I think counselling would be really helpful for you, working out your priorities and how to get more help so you can do less.
It's school holiday time, I know how difficult that is with a special needs child. Have you any local playschemes that can give you a bit of respite?

Your role as far as gran is concerned must change from care Provider to Care Manager.
She doesn't need YOU to push her or do jobs for her, she needs SOMEONE!
When did Social Services last do a Needs Assessment for her, and a Carers Assessment for you?
The same question, but for your son?
Welcome aboard
I think you are right to vent. Sounds like a tough situation. I am a sandwich carer (someone looking after older and younger generation at the same time). It is tough. Something has to give. Don't let that be you!

Absolutely number 1 top priority is your children, especially as one has additional needs. You really can't be popping out during their tea to take gran milk. it isn't fair on them or you.

You don't HAVE to care for gran. Use that as a starting point. Work out what you can/want to do for her without adversely affecting your children and husband. The rest needs to fall to someone else. It may not be easy in the short, medium turn. I am sure she won't like it. But your family will thank you for it. And you will learn to let the negativity bounce off. I have a dull, uninterested "computer says no" voice when faced with negativity and counter it with something bland like "oh dear". My caree then has nowhere to go with it if I don't rise to it!

Turning points for me were realising that nothing I ever did would make my parents better or happy. We are all responsible for our own happiness. But by trying to do it all for them I made myself deeply unhappy and didn't improve their situation either. At least now visits with Mum are nice time that I don't dread.

I am sure things can get better. And agree that counselling might be useful! Best of luck, beacuse it is hard.