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Hi guys - Carers UK Forum

Hi guys

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi guys

Firstly happy New year.

I was told about this website and had to join. My name is Maria I'm 36 I love in London and I've been Caring for my mum since 2010 in the beginning was ok but then boom through my parents stupidity the landed me in some serious crap thank god it's over. I'm not happy tbh you know the jist we put a front on but deep down it's eating me inside. The stuff my mum says to me the way she is . I mean I love her to bits but the way she treats me I'm 36 they way she controls me it's unreal I've had enough . Sometimes I regret back then agreeing to be her carer. I don't know what to do.... :cry: :cry:
Hi Maria,
Welcome to the forum. Sadly, there are many carers here who found themselves feeling increasingly trapped, but there are ways to escape, and we can talk you through a variety of options. However, some basic information would help draw up our shortlist of options.

Would you like to tell us a bit more about mum, age, disability, does she own her own home and have savings more than £23,000 (just yes/no), is she claiming Disability Living Allowance/PIP/Attendance Allowance?
Are you claiming Carers Allowance, ESA?
Has mum had a Needs Assessment in the last 12 months from Social Services? When did SS do their last Carers Assessment for you?
My mum is 69 turning 70 soon on disability benefit and incapacity benefit . She's got serious heart issues.. open heart surgery many years back still has stuff going on now . She has arthritis. Suffers from balance issues also plus other things. My parents are council tenants . I'm on carers allowance and get income support also. When she was assessed she was told she didn't need another assessment as it's for indefinite period... I've come to the point no matter what I do it's not enough. I have health issues also but here are more serious than mine. I can't say no to her she starts guilt Tipping me stops talking t me starts shoughting etc. I'd love to find a part time job and get out of here as quick as I can. She's not a bad person but I can't take it anymore.
Maria hi and welcome.

I take it you're living with your parents in their council flat, of which they are joint tenants but you are not a tenant, is that right? And your sole income is carer's allowance and income support - I take it the former is for the care you provide your mum with (your dad doesn't qualify?) and the latter is for your unemployed status/poor health??? (Sorry, not my field!)

Why, if I may ask, are YOU claiming CA not your dad? Is this because he has his OAP pension, an d so wouldn't qualify for CA, but you can claim it instead? If you left the flat, and stopped providing the care you did for your mum, would your dad be able to claim CA, or if he's a pensioner, he wouldn't anyway?

If you did leave your parents' flat (house?) what would happen? I mean, in practical and financial terms. What care does your mum actually need, day in, day out (and overnight?). Could your dad provide it, or does he have health problems (or is working?).

If your mum (herself alone, ie, not with your dad) has savings of over £23.500 she would not qualify for any free care provided by the LA, but if she doesn't, then she should be able to have care-workers come in to do what you are currently doing for her (assuming your dad can't take over).

It's important to suss out the financial situation first of all, for your mum/dad/yourself, as that will show what can and can't be done in the future to change your situation.

After that it's a question of making the decision you want to make. For so many carers, alas, as BB says, you can feel totally 'trapped' by the caree (person you are looking after). I found this when I 'inherited' my mother in law, who was developing dementia. It was emotionally hard to do, and yes, I felt badly guilty, but in the end my life was more important than hers (she was 89!), and so I decided NOT to continue looking after her - she's now in a care home and way beyond being able to stay in her own home at all.....very advanced dementia.

I know you will feel guilty about 'abandoning' your mum, and in a way it's a mix, probably of your mum not wanting you to 'empty nest' (all mums can feel that way when their chicks fly off!), as well as the practicalities of having you look after her which she enjoys (as in, she'd rather you did than others).

But, in the end, your life 'trumps' hers ....that is just the way of it. YOU are entitled to your OWN life, and parents do have to accept that. They may not like it, and I'm sure your mum is unlikely to wave you off with a smile on her face and a 'Darling, have a LOVELY life independent of us!' but all the same, it's time for you to leave home, and be independent. You're 36 you say - your mum is not yet 70. She could live another 30 years. You'd be nearly as old as she is now before you were 'free'....

That isn't acceptable, is it.........
A Carers Needs Assessment is quite different from DWP Benefits, it should be done by the Local Authority Social SERVICES department. Click on "Quick Links" above and you'll find lots more about the assessments.
Mum has absolutely no right to shout at you. Her behaviour sounds like it is either close to, or actual, domestic abuse. Definitely time to hand over the caring to someone else. With dad and outside carers they really shouldn't need you as well, you may just be a "convenience" to them, they just want another set of hands and yours are the most convenient.
This is no way to live your life, you need to be aware that when mum and dad die or move out you will have no right whatsoever to the flat. So put yourself on the housing list asap.
Mum and dad don't actually have any power over you, the only power they have is the power you let them have. YOU are the one with the most power, to give up caring, to move out, to live your own life, there is not a thing they can do to stop you. It will take time for this to really sink in. I had counselling to help me deal with my own disabled mum's demands.
Do they have a dishwasher, tumble dryer, make any effort to streamline their flat so there is as little work as possible for anyone to do?
We can help you gradually make changes.
I'm deffinetly going to put my name on the housing list asap. I need a part time job do you know of anywhere that helps carers get Into work? I have squat experience as soon as I left uni I became mum's carer.. god I hate moaning but u feel so much better . I'm 36 I have no life.. I mean I meet my friends but still and if I do go out friends have to drive me home as If I say I'm getting a bus back or walking then I'm asking for something bad to happen to be lol oh I don't know . I'm.going to put my foot down. Today is the day that things change couldn't care less or give a toss what they think or say I've had enough I have heart problems as well also suffer from pain in my lower back and hip. Diagnosed with a hiatus hernia last Sept. But I still plod on . Im the only child so its extra stress . But hey im going to cganfe things.
That sounds really positive! Well done.

I would say that this 'break for the border' that is (long!) overdue for you - ie, becoming a grownup living an independent life - can indeed be achieved. It will be 'difficult' for your parents to accept it, but they really have no choice. The transition will be 'emotional' so be prepared for that (do read the stories of other 'now-non-carers' on the forum, how they've achieved that vital 'liberation' - they will inspire and encourage you!) (there will be set backs, that's inevitable, and things will rear up to confront you, also inevitable, but providing you keep your goals clear and keep 'plodding on' this time to YOUR independence, you'll get there. This time next year I'll have ....that's what you need to keep saying to yourself)

Leaving home and becoming independent does NOT mean you are either 'abandoning' your parents (you're just stopping being the child they still regard you as - because it's convenient for them) nor that you don't love them. The current situation is far too stressful all round, and cannot and should not be sustained indefinitely. Once you have 'transferred' to the new situation (living out, having a job, a better social life - and then of course eventually a partner/children etc) things will be easier all round, including for your parents (they may go on moaning, but it will be habit more than anything!)

As for getting a part time job, well, I would say just go to whatever the Labour Exchange is called these days (probably online!) etc, and see what is out there. You don't say if you are rural or in a town/city, but there are usually fairly 'menial' jobs around eg, waitressing, cleaning etc, that require no particular skills. Whatever you do is useful, and makes the point to your parents - you are now WORKING and are no longer available for caring! (Remember, you can continue to earn a certain amount and still claim CA, but don't go over that limit as the CA will stop, and you don't want that happening until you have moved out/got full time work).

However, you mention uni, so can your degree be used for anything 'employable' directly (eg, nursing/engineering/teaching, whatever!). Even if not, just being a graduate helps enormously. Yes, if you take 'menial' part time work, it won't make any difference, but what, looking back to when you left uni, were your career goals then? You may feel you are past it at 36, but why? Maybe you can't be brain surgeon now (!) but there's loads else to take up 'later in life' as a 'mature graduate'.

Why not sit down this weekend what's left of it and make some notes on all sorts of relevant issues that are going to affect your Project Freedom -

- benefits, finances, earning potential
- housing list (flat shares with friends once you are earning and can pay rent?)
- alternative carers for your mum (make a list of what they'll have to do!)

The whole project will consist of several mini-projects (eg, accommodation/jobs etc) and you will make progress unevenly across them all, but have your goals and milestones laid out, so you can keep track of where you are. Keep a diary where you write:

Today I ....then list what you've achieved by way of moving forward to leaving home and having a career.

Wishing you all the best. This time next year I'll have ...remember, that's your resolution!
I'm dismayed that after all your hard work at uni your parents didn't want you to spread your wings and fly away to your own life, but instead expected you to care for them. It sounds like they are still treating you as their little girl who must obey. It took counselling for me to stop doing this, and I was 60!
What was your subject? Whilst at the moment you might feel the last few years have been wasted, but it's very likely that you will find a fulfilling future.
It sounds like your parents have been deliberately under mining your confidence, so start "taking control" by going out with your friends and NOT clock watching. Don't get friends to run you home, catch the bus. Don't ask permission to go out, TELL them you are going out, and TELL them when to expect you back.
Your parents are NOT your responsibility, they have each other after all. Even if something "bad" did happen, i.e. mum had a fall, it would NOT be your responsibility, as you weren't there to push her, were you?
Does mum have a "Lifeline" pendant so she can call for help whenever she does fall?
Can you tell us more about dad, does he expect you to look after him, cook, wash, etc.?
Good morning all

I studied business management at uni it was an undergraduate course , I could have gone into a post graduate but I thought I could have found some work .. Anyway I got into interpreting the money is good but it's not everyday. I'm looking for part time stable work god I've looking everywhere.. My dad was a car mechanic till he retired he was healthy until he had a small heart attack couple years back when I went through a rough patch in my life caused by their stupidity anyway he's been discharged from the hospital. All he does is wake up have a wash and go out for coffee , he's never contributed anything to the house it's all my mum. Never gave a cent even when he was working he thinks ppl who live in council houses shouldn't be forking bucks out to sort the house out etc lol... Anyway although he's my dad things do get heated between me and him sometimes we have short tempers although my mum's wanted him out for years he's still here. He washes his own clothes irons etc... if I go out it's like 29 questions with him .. he's like your making too many friends I don't like it lol.. compared to the junk he knows my friends are the best they keep me sane.... one time my friend came over from Norway with her hubbie so he can go watch the footie the stadium is up the road from me .. My mum's like how you coming back I'm like ovb it's not far I'm gonna walk she then started going on ... She's like if you wanna get raped then go if your looking for it .. I feel embarrassed saying all this but anyway my dad ended up coming with me to see my friend and her husband and come home later that night lol.. although my parents tell ppl they let me do and go where I want it's not the case. I had a carers assessment summer gone and told all this and more to the girl I had interview with she filled out some form regarding my mental well being and she rated my level as severe. Anyway nothing has been done since haven't heard anything back. I'm going to hand in my housing form this week it's been a long time coming.. although they won't see me as priority but yeah gonna chance it and pray for the best. I want a part time job so bad anythi g office work or retail something god knows how many Cvs I've sent and interviews but nothing .. gonna keep at but and see.
Maria, I did a BA (Honours) in Business Studies, ended up running a business for my husband for 20 years. You have so many skills, but I suspect dad has undermined your confidence for so long, you just don't realise it. I shop in Waitrose, and have several friends whose children have left school, started work for them, and never looked back. I know that they like to have part timers who can cover holidays, sickness etc., so think about working for a large company, working from stacking shelves, and then gradually working up, as you become more confident.
Dad is simply using you, the more you do, the less he does. Don't let him destroy you. Start an escape plan! Summer will soon be here, and there are lots of opportunities for seasonal work, some with accommodation, holiday parks etc.