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Mam can be horrible - Carers UK Forum

Mam can be horrible

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi
My child hood wasn't great. My mam said horrible things to me destroyed my self esteem.
I had some terrible challenges but built myself up and I've had a mixed life.
My self esteem however remains fragile.
I have had a different relationship with my mam as an adult. I suppose I've spent most of my adult life needing her stamp of approval.
We have had some nice times.
She has VD .
I care for her.
She can revert to how she was when I was growing up.
And I'm right back there!
Im on holiday writing this as Im so low.
I cant deal with how her nasty comments are making me feel.
Kay
Kay, hi and welcome. I'm glad you're on holiday. Being away from a difficult and distressing situation can really throw light on it, and give you both physical and mental space to make decisions about what you want to do.

Tell us a little more about your mum's circumstances - does she live alone, in her own flat/house (does she own or rent), does she have savings in the bank, what are her health needs now, and where do you live, and do you have your own income, ie, are financially independent yourself.

A difficult childhood can haunt us all our lives - BUT, the way I see it is this - if we LET it haunt us, then the bad stuff has 'won'.

They say the best revenge is a life well lived, and although 'revenge' isn't quite the right word here, 'survival' is'. You are here, you can see what was done to you with clear eyes, and you can CHOOSE (difficult though sometimes we think it can be to have the freedom to choose - but we do, you know!) to put it behind you and make the MOST of what you have in life, and the opportunities you have to be happy.

Sometimes, when we have a 'difficult' parent, who did not make our childhoods 'golden' (mine didn't), it can really help to think about why THEY became the way they did! I can see, looking back to my own mum, just WHY she was as she was - it doesn't 'excuse' her, but it does 'explain' her.

I'm glad you have some good memories with your mum (mine was simply totally unaware of how she was! Not a clue that she was upsetting us!) (she had a very difficult relationship with her own mother herself, who didn't want her in the first place - she was a 'nuisance', and brought up mostly by her own grandmother).

Dementia is horrible, and can change people into 'strangers' - and can as you say make them 'revert'. I can tell you that she 'does not know what she is saying' but it will still sting, and bring up bad memories for you.

If nothing else, maybe thinking that her developing dementia is now her own 'karma' for how she treated you as a child???
Kay you do not HAVE TO ever see mum again. The only power she has over you is the power you let her have.

Enjoy your life.
Though 'drastic' what BB says is true - and it can be VERY liberating to realise that.

Not a single one of us has any legal 'duty of care' towards our parents.

Sometimes karma can take a long time to arrive - but an emotionally abused child grows up, and the abusing parent grows old.......and discovers that what they handed out when the CHILD was powerless, can now be handed to them now that THEY are becoming powerless...