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I think I need care myself! - Carers UK Forum

I think I need care myself!

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hello. My name is Adam and I live in Chepstow. I don't know how much or how little to say in these but I'll give you a potted history of how I came to be doing what I'm doing.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and both remarried. I didn't get on with my step-father so moved in with my maternal grandmother when I was 15. I had a run of bad luck with jobs and relationships in my late teens and early 20's. Then, when I was 23 my mum died. That shattered the family as she was only 43 with two young children of 7 and 5. My grandmother helped care for these for the following 5 years or so. In the meantime. I'd enrolled in a local university.

After leaving university I didn't get the job opportunities I had hoped and ended up with depression. A few other things went wrong, again (my girlfriend going off off with my best friend for starters!)

I've felt responsible for my grandmother for years as she has no-one else. Her only daughter died, her son only visits once a month. No-one rings her. My mother's other children aren't really interested, either. Then, a few years ago she fell down the stairs and was in hospital for months. She was diagnosed with a heart arrythmia. When she came home she was in a dreadful way. Was falling all over the place, having giddy spells. The doctors said it was just old age but I knew there was more to it than that. Eventually she was diagnosed with diabetes and so I changed her diet and she got a lot better after that. The thing is, she's 87 so she's not going to be running a marathon anytime soon. Now she isn't as ill as she was I've found her quite ungrateful. She clearly wouldn't survive without me but thinks she can. In the meantime, though, all my friends have moved on with their lives - they have jobs, families of their own, etc. I'm now 41 and STILL single with no social life. I have a degree I've never been able to use. Every day I worry about what the future holds. I wanted a career and a good life but things have really turned out badly. I can't just up and leave in the way my callous half-brother and half-sister have. I'm on a dating site and no-one really wants to date me once they find out what I do. People expect me to be strong and stoical and that all the worries and burdens should be on my shoulders alone but I just feel like saying 'hang on, when did I say I wanted to give up my life? Aren't I entitled to a life, too?'

Sorry to whinge but I'm sure it's only people going through the same things who can empathise with how desperate and forgotten you feel sometimes. I don't even feel as though I'm part of society any more, but an outcast. Can anyone else identify with that? I feel selfish for thinking like it but I feel like I'm pouring my own life down the drain, here. Now it's gone on for so long I can't see how things can change for the better.
Hi Adam just wanted to give you a hug and say hello. I know how frustrating it is when nomatter what you do to help the one you love it just gets thrown back in your face. Im on the other end of age scale I have a stroppy teenager to deal with Image Ive also cared for my Dad in the past who also didnt like 'help'

Im afraid their anger comes from not feeling useful and frustrated with their limitations perhaps you can think of a small job your nan could do to make her feel needed and worthwhile.

welcome to the site and hope you get some support here.
Thanks Eagle. I do let my grandmother do as much as she can. Now she's a bit better she can walk to the shops and back on her own (it isn't far and the area we live doesn't have a lot of busy roads). It's more the feeling that my own life is on hold that's brings me down, though. Then I feel guilty for feeling like that. I can put up with the ingratitude - although sometimes it makes me wonder if I really am surplus to requirements - but it's the stagnation of my own life that I find so hard. Do other people feel like that, too?
Do other people feel like that, too?
Welcome to the forum. I care for my son, who is 13 with a learning disability, but also used to care for my father in law, who died two years ago. Luckily I always shared the care with other close family members, and care shared is care halved.

Yes, time just slips away when you are caring long term. Thats why its really important to get some respite and follow your own hobbies or find some voluntary or paid work. I don't think all potential girlfriends would write you off - they will know that things change with time and your caring nature should be a big asset!
To Adamski,

You are not alone. I am a Carer for my husband and two sons, who have varying disabilities. My 80 year old Dad used to live 10 miles away, and relied on me to support him, and several times,when he had been in hospital after falls, he refused all Social Services help, saying that I would make his meals, wash his clothes, pay his bills etc.An elderly relation once asked him why he didn't pay someone to do his garden, and he said"Why should I, when my son-in-law does it for nothing!"I wouldn't allow my disabled husband to cause himself any more physical pain by doing it again, for an ungrateful old man.

My sister and brother, both working fulltime were excused from responsibilty,"because they are too busy to be running round for their old Dad!"

Three years ago, through this independence,my Dad had a fall which left him unable to return to his own home, and he went to a retirment home,within a mile of where we live. He loves it there,I still visit regularly, but he has suddenly realised that actually my life is not just sitting down on my backside all day.

I look back at my life, and I realise that my Dad has always been demanding, just that my late Mum covered up a lot, and Dad worked long hours. I love him dearly, and have done plenty over the years for him, it is only now he has realised how much,and has several times in the last few months left me in tears by praising me and my family.Although he really gets me down sometimes, I dread the day when he isn't around any more.

My sister, as a single parent, started going to singles clubs, and met her fiance at one. He was 40 years old at the time, never been married, and a Carer for his own father, which he carried on doing for another four years, until his dad died. So, don't lose hope. If there is someone out there for you, you will find that peron, and the wait will have been worthwhile. Image
hiya adamski lmao you have wrote everything in every way that i feel and have felt for many yrs. my mom was evil to me when i was young and my big sister now 65 married and left at the first oppertunity she visits mom twice a yr her duty i thnk lol. little sis who lives 5mins away and the apple of moms eye hates mom and hasn,t seen her for over 20yrs since my dad died. so the hated one(me) has been looking after mom for the last 15yrs, i did manage to have a marriage which ended because i was to involved with mom, and 3 sons all grown and living their own lives, but now mom is very frail bed ridden and everything falls to me i also work part time as carers allowence doesn,t allow me to get a desent job. whicch because of this i haven,t been able to save any money for when shes dead, and so the out come will be that i will most likely lose my home as her money helps pay my mortgage and heating bills, so after everything i.ve done for her i will be homeless what a joke. she is also very vindictive towards me which offends me grately, so if you ever what a chat or just a moan feeel free i understand where your coming from, all the best ria2703, xx

and welcome Image

Hi there,
Yes i understand how you feel in the sense that you feel your throwing your life down the drain and feel well i do invisiable to the world as i do not get any attention, only the person i care for. It is a sad life and nothing ever turns out how we plan it to, we just wake up each morning and think let me try to think positive and keep my chin up for the sake of that person im caring for but it is not easy..my mum is also very ill with terminal cancer, im only 25 and finding it very hard to come to terms with having a daughter with cerebral palsy and also my mum passing away soon..i try to not think too far ahead, life is full of surprises, im sure you will get a nice one soon, and as for dating, you will definately find a date, i think you sound very nice and if anyone is not interested in a date then thats there problem not yours, dont blame the way other act on yourself, and keep your chin up, there will be a brighter day following a really bad day.. Image
Welcome aboard, Prinxcess!

You're absolutely right - life can be hard but there's always something positive to look forward to...the trick is to think as positively as possible: that's the hard part!
Maybe Carers UK should open a dating site for carers? There must be lots of carers who are stuck at home and feel they will never find friendship or romance - but who better to understand how you feel than another carer in your area - or even just an online penpal??

Actually this isn't difficult to set up - you can buy off the peg software for a small outlay.