[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
help sandwich carer - parent or child - Carers UK Forum

help sandwich carer - parent or child

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
hi wonder if I can get some support\advice? mum & dad lives 50 miles away. dad has dementia and mum has nervous system problem that may be cancer. I currently work 4 days a week and have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter. I'm currently going down once a fortnight to help but daughter ends up spending time with her 80 year old grandparents and missing out of quality time with me and dad. after spending 2 1/2 days with them, I ended up getting upset this weekend of how bad mum is getting so decided to leave a day early. spent a really good day with husband & daughter but mum & dad are upset that we left early. what am I to-do I feel guilty about spending quality time with my daughter!
Daughter must take priority, she has the right to a happy mum and childhood. Don't go and see mum and dad so much, maybe just for the day?. Instead think of yourself as their care manager rather than hands on carer. Mum needs outside help to support her, can't avoid this with dementia long term.
I have struggled with this for the past 5 years. I have a 5 year old and a 7 year old plus a 76 year old Mum with dementia and a 78 year old dad with a progressive neurological illness and v high care needs. I have felt pretty much constantly guilty that I am a rubbish mother, daughter, wife, sister etc. That I am not doing enough for any or all of them. I have felt enormously responsible for my parents happiness by spending time with them, sometimes at the expense of my kids and husband. And certainly at the expense of my sanity!

I've spent a lot of time trying to make my parents happy and it has taken me a long time to realise that this is not my responsibility. My sister and I have let them refuse outside help, which has caused us huge stress and unhappiness.

Your daughter 100% comes first. No guilt. No question. You are one person and there is only so much you can do! I wish I had reached this conclusion sooner! My sister and I are in the process of getting more support for them whether they like it or not and I feel like a weight has lifted. I also hope it means we can start to spend nice time together rather than visits be full of dread.

Good luck