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Help please, really at my wits end - Carers UK Forum

Help please, really at my wits end

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So in 2018 my father (now 71) lost his wife due to a serious fall and since then my dad has found it tough but had gradually been coming to terms with this and things were starting to improve. However the last few months he has lost his mobility gradually but wasn't keen on seeing a GP. In late November he was prescribed anti-inflamatories because his legs were swollen and some blood tests were don, the anti inflamtories didn't work so he was put on morphine.

I was on holiday, first time for 18 months because of family issues right at the end of November, and kept in touch with my father every day and it's clear that he was overdosing on morphine, completely out of it, didn't know my name or anything when phoning him so I had to cut my holiday short as was frightened what I would find and what I found was a mess, the dog had gone to toilet all over the house as had not been let out as my father had been in comotose state for days and the house was a sheer health hazard.

In early December the first blood test results came in which showed serious issues but the initial tests were not very specific, some more tests were ordered based on urine and more specialist blood tests. Then the GP said that he wanted to refer my father to a haemtologist who ordered some more tests up front. 6th January my father had appointment with the top haematologist in my area. Haemtologist said that he felt he might have cancer of the blood/bone marrow so organised full body MRI, skeletal survey and biopsy. My father had the biopsy almost two weeks ago and all the other tests done before that.

I have moved in with him to look after him as he clearly cannot do everything by himself. However what has been increasingly frustrating is the fact I am treated like a complete servant with no care how things effect me. I come in from work after a 12 hour day and the moment I step through the door my father is barking out orders: "The dog needs feeding, I need some food, you need to do the washing I'VE BEEN WAITING HERE ALL DAY, DO IT NOW" Now I would have had more sympathy for him if it wasn't for the fact the GP arranged carers to come in during the day and my dad told them to go away and wouldn't allow them to do anything because he said they were not needed. The house is a disgrace, he dumps things all over the floor, mouldy food, empty milk carton, the smell is awful and just keeping it in a bad state as opposed to the kind of state that would be considered a complete disgrace is taking me 2 hours every night and the dog is going to the toilet.

All in all I am having to pay to clean the place out of my own money, he's hording money from his pension every week and spending about 10% of it on stuff like DVDs he never watches and claiming it's my job to pay to clean up after him and do his shopping. He won't pay someone to take the dog out for a walk during the day as says he cannot afford it but then expects me to clean up after the dog and get up at 5.30am to take the dog for a walk and take her out again at 11pm. My health has suffered and I've missed 4 days work since November which is more than in the last 18 months as when I do have some problem I do not get enough sleep or rest to get rid of it quickly like I used to. THen most mornings I wake up to the fact that the dog has shit the house leaving a terrible stench everywhere that I have to mop up ever morning and nearly pass out from the smell ad again he will then lecture me about saying he cannot help it and I should stop making such a fuss.

It came to going to the hospital early this week for the biopsy results and my father refused to go to hospital for them. I work in a school and we had an inspection that day so my father had hospital transport arranged and I was supposed to meet him up the hospital before appointment. He told the patient transport he 'couldn't move' and was in so much pain that he can't go to hospital as he would pass out getting up. The patient transport offered him an ambulance which he turned down and told them to get out of his house. Patient transport called me and told me about it and asked could I speak to him and of course he told me that they wouldn't help him get up and wouldn't take him and said he cannot straighten his leg or walk unaided. But what my father said next is that he has to go now as he needs to go upstairs to have a shower as he has urinated on himself and then he will make a cup of coffee and call me back. I was so infuriated as it basically proved he simply wasn't going to go.

I'm at my wits end. Since then he has had severe constipation issues and I've spoken to the GP who has given him some fibre supplements and over the counter medicines. He told my father to stop drinking sugary drinks and drink more water and less caffiene. My father won't do that because he says he doesn't like water but still keeps moaning that he is in agony from his constipation and why will nobody help him. He says he is in agony from his mobility problems but nobody is helping him, despite the fact that many people are helping him. I understand that it's not the most easy thing for a man to go through who has always been active, but at the same time he does nothing at all to help himself and doesn't give a shit about anyone else other than himself and if you even dare to mention how it is for myself as a carer, he will turn around and say I have it easy.

The hospital are going to have to re-arrange the appointment for his biopsy result. Who knows if he will go to it at all,This morning i woke up that he had been to toilet on the comode downstairs in the living room and left the top open all night which has stunk out the which is the only really remaining respectable room in the house and had let the dog in the living room who also went to the toilet there because in his words, the dog was scratching at the door so he had to let her in but he unfortunately cannot clean the carpet because he is ill and I am not so it is my job. I got 4 hours sleep again because he woke me up twice in the middle of the night screaming saying that he needs a drink and that if he moves he won't be able to get back to sleep, honestly.

The biggest problem is that my father is ill but doesn't want to do anything to help him get better or improve the symptoms of his condition. He doesn't care how it effects other people and he doesnt want to change anything in his life and he expects everyone else to revolve around him. I honestly don't mind caring for him and doing my bit and I have done since November, but the problem now is that it's got to a situation where I am being treated like a slav and when I booked the afternoon off work to meet with a friend yesterday without telling my father so I could relax a bit, my father was told his friend saw me and my father said if I wasn't working I should have been at home helping him and I'm a disgrace for leaving him home alone in his condition.

There's just no chance or respite, none at all and unfortunately as the only direct family member left, there's nobody to share the load with.
Justin, dad is clearly VERY ill, mentally and physically.
He needs to go into hospital or a residential care home and you need to go back to your own place. Don't expect his cooperation or agreement, it isn't going to happen. It's going to be tough, but the alternative is far, far worse.

I would suggest that you dial 999 and say that you CANNOT care for dad any more. I'm sure when they see the state of the place, they will agree! Otherwise, they will call in emergency carers from Social Services, but it does sound like he needs to be in hospital to be sorted out.

I have to go out in a minute, will be back later. Today, use your mobile phone to record the state of the house, and the state of dad, and if he abuses you, record that too. Many forum members have found they were not being taken seriously until they showed photographs.

This situation cannot continue.

It is way too much for anyone to deal with. Your own health mental and physical health is important.

Your Dad is far too unwell for one person to cope with 24/7. Plus you have a job.

Even if you didn't have a job this cannot continue for your own sanity.

I wouldn't be able to deal with ONE day of what you are going through.

Urgent action needed.
So very sorry to hear of this. As others have said this can't go on.

He needs professional care.

I suggest the following:

As previously commented, get immediate help from 999.

Call local authority adult protective services. They ought to have someone on call out of regular hours.

Instigate a safeguarding case.

Move out of his house.

Call RSPCA or local animal shelter to rehome the dog.
It's not often I suggest the 999 option to forum members, but I think every time I have done, the person concerned has been admitted.
A friend of mine is a very senior ambulance officer, I'm sure he would have no hesitation in saying that dad needed hospital. It's a genuine case, not like some of the other cases they have to attend!!!
I cannot get a local authority assistance on the Saturday but I have just filled out a request for adult care services and detailed pretty much what I have here and stressed the urgency that help and support and professional care is provided - the local authority has stated that you need to apply through these avenue and team in order to get any assistance and to get social services involved etc - I have took photos of the house and submitted them with this request. I have also suggested that a mental health assessment may need to be carried out and that is something that GP has agreed with.

I have told him that unless there is some behaviour improvement this weekend I will have to call the RSPCA and get the dog rehomed. I went out this morning and left him on his own for several hours and when he asked me to buy him some food and drink which would not help his condition I refused and instead bought him what he has to have and told him that it's that or nothing because this is is very last chance as this has been going on for too long and it will not be allowed to continue anymore. He says that things will change but I will be very surprised if they do.

I know I should probably call 999 right now as some have said but I want to give him one more chance so he can't say he wasn't warned and obviously whilst this is going on I've set the wheels in motion on the action from local authority in the meantime
If you dial 999 and the ambulance comes, even if they don't admit him, the doctor will be informed.
If they feel dad needs urgent help to keep him OUT of hospital, then they can arrange for the Social Services Rapid Response Team to act almost immediately, within an hour or two.
Just think of it as a short cut to what dad needs.
Whilst I understand this is "dad's last chance" I'm afraid you know what is going to happen, he will fail and disappoint you yet again. Please don't think this is in any way at all a failure on your part. It is dad's mental and physical health that has failed. The more you do to avoid the inevitable, the more dad can pretend to himself that he's OK.

What is the doctor doing? When did he last visit dad at home?
Your dad is controlling the whole situation.

He may or may not know why. Or he may very well know why. But chooses through possible fear not to discuss it.

Non-compliance by any individual is exhausting, draining and stressful. Through what you have written there appears to be a lot of ...

If I comply and do what is asked will the care. I now receive from my son stop. Will he see me as capable and therefore reduce his help.
Or is his current situation become to overwhelming. You have to be very frank and tell him. What you are able to do/not going forward. And the help he must except or at least try. It's important to make sure he understands you will not be leaving you employment.
You CANNOT leave work. With the retirement age now 68, that means after dad dies, you will have to go back to work or spend your savings, if you have any left by then of course!

You cannot carry on as you are as you will get ill yourself. Unfortunately as experienced by many others on here, some elderly people become very selfish and just don't realise the effect that their demands have on those around them. I think their 'self preservation' mode becomes really strong in them and they just don't see all that the person does for them anymore.

As regards the dog. There is an organisation called 'The Cinnamon Trust' https://cinnamon.org.uk/ who can help to foster peoples pets while they are in hospital or have to go into a home. Dogs don't want to go to the toilet in their own homes and the poor dog is probably holding out until the last moment as of course it would rather be let out. Could you maybe shut it in the kitchen overnight with it's food, water bowls and bed and put some newspaper or puppy pads down. Until the situation changes it may help with the mess a bit, and be easier to clean up.
I know it is very hard when you do not have any other family members to lean on. I agree that you must contact social services and try to get help for your Dad.