Help!! Mum is 88, I am 68 and she only wants me!!

[Joan_1501]

Just wanting to have a rant and vent my feelings!!!

Been to see mum today ..I go three or sometimes four times a week as she has no other visitors. .I'm an only child and my daughter lives fifty or so miles away.

She has been in the home since beginning of January 2019 following a months stay in hospital.

Some visits are good but more often they are awful. Today she has continually gone on and on and on about wanting to go home/what an awful daughter I am for not looking after her/that I can't because of "Daa..vid"/that her husband was in the Royal Navy and not in the boy scouts (bum boys! !!!). She was referring to my husband in that remark!!!!! She said she is going to make a will and that I won't get anything!!!!! She gives me "the look" and asks who cuts my hair...the barber? ??

Yes, some people would say it's the dementia but she obviously has these thoughts in her head. Why is she so nasty. Why can't she accept that she is 93 and that I'm (at nearly 73 ) too old to be looking after someone 24 hourly

I try and let her caustic remarks go over my head ...sometimes feeling sad for her then guilty then angry!!!

Hey ho, here's hoping for a better visit next time!!

Rant over...thanks for listening.

Joan x

[Pet66]

(((( hugs )))) Joan
It's not easy to listen to caustic remarks. Even when you know it's not really them! On those days I used to write an imaginary D on my hand, to remind me it was the demon dementia and not hubby. Or build an imaginary brick wall in front of myself.
Hope you sleep well and don't let the visit roll round your head.

[pamela_1507]

I'm at my wits end feeling guilty about the resentment I'm feeling towards my dad. My mam died earlier this year they would've been married 64 years, and my mam did everything for my dad even though she suffered chronic I'll health. My dad wont help himself though he is lonely. He is a very anxious person which is his personality and now his memory is starting to fail and he has copd refusing to use inhalers. In addition he is hard of hearing and refuses to use his hearing aid. Honestly you would think we are a married couple. We have arguments he apologises then I feel sorry for him he phones constantly 4am this morning to ask me if I'm okay. I have health problems myself and all I get is are you coming to look after me. I'm suffocating.

[Sarah_1907123]

And I bet, without exception, these parents have called everyone of us selfish- just because we won’t do exactly what they want us to do.

My 87 year old mother’s latest caper is to kick off and refuse to take her medication from the carers I have arranged. I live two hours away so I end up having to sweet talk her by phone into complying. It’s like dealing with a child. I have to make all sorts of promises in return for her to take her tablets. My husband says to just let her get on with it. If she insists on being contrary, it’s not my problem, but there’s this huge sense of responsibility- even though, sadly, she was the worst mother and I know realise she clearly has always suffered from narcissistic personality disorder.

[Carolyn_1909]

Hi all, brand new to the forum but so glad I found you. So many of the comments here resonate with me. My mum is 85 and has been in poor health for about 15 years. I'm the youngest of 4 and somehow, although I still have a school age child, the care of mum has fallen to me. Until 4 months ago, this comprised of calling every day to ensure she took medication and ate and taking her to all medical and personal appointments. Very manageable as I run my own business so could alter my work around this. Mum became very unwell and her behaviour changed massively about 4 months ago, when she was admitted to hospital with an AKI caused by her medication. It became apparent that mum would no longer be able to live independently again even with support and she was diagnosed with the start of dementia. I moved her in with me........ Like the lady that originally posted, she will only have me care for her and I'm starting to feel resentful. She has always been a strong minded and quite aggressive woman but her demands are exhausting. She wants fresh sheets on the bed every other day, she wants her meals at exactly the time she wants them and she is not happy unless her room is clinically clean. Her demands means my business has suffered so there is now added financial pressure. My husband tries to helps but as she is incontinent it's me that does most things. At the moment she is at my brothers for a few days while we have her en suite shower adapted , but she has made my sister in law call me and ask when she can come back even though she knew she was due to be there for 3 days. The guilt is suffocating, to the point that although the work is not completed I am picking her up later and will have to try and manage. While doing all this, i have been emptying her flat and sorting out all her financial arrangements. My real resentment is towards my sister, who is very good at picking up the phone and telling me what I should be doing while doing the square root of nothing herself except turning up for half an hour once a week with a cream cake! I haven't done anything for myself for months ( have used the time she's been away to catch up on housework) and feel trapped. I love my mum dearly but feel like my life is over. Sorry for the rant, I just had to let it all out. x

[Janey_S]

Hi Carolyn

Sorry to read you're having such a hard time. You say your mum will only have you care for her. The reality is - that isn't her decision to make. She's using the fact you love her to make you wait on her hand and foot. Bowlingbun, who is hugely knowledgeable, explains about NEEDS and WANTS. Your mum wants a lot of things, but she doesn't need them. If you want to meet some of her needs, what are you prepared to do, without going under yourself?

Don't feel guilty! There's an interesting article I read some time back which talks through why we feel guilty: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog ... ly-parents

I presume your mum has had Social Services assessment etc? I think with the support of your husband and brother you need to be clear with your mum as to what your rules are if she is living in your house, and then stick to them. Be clear with her as to what her choices are. And the next time you sister comes round, tell her you're going out and leave her to it for a few hours! Is there a time when you think you will need to look at residential care?

[Joan_1501]

Well Christmas time is here again!! As you get older a year seems like a week doesn't it??!!

Whilst mum has now been in the nursing home since January 2019 she is only just beginning to settle.

Saying that on my visit to her this morning (Christmas Eve ) someone loudly mentioned the word Christmas and that set mum off! Wanting to know if she was coming to mine tomorrow (Arghhh!!!)... When i tried to explain that me and hubby would be there in the morning as she wasn't well enough to come to ours she wasn't happy at all And when i said I would have to leave early to go to my daughters she asked why she couldn't go as well!!! Tried to explain yet again and her response was "that's the trouble with getting old..you're not wanted and to think that I've to be here in this home being lookes after..you're my daughter and you should be looking after me /Christmas is for families being together!!!" Talk about feeling guilty.. I tried to explain that me and my husband are getting older and that I can't be there for everyone. My only daughter lives an hours drive away and this is the first time I've had Christmas dinner at her house. Other years mum has come to us and then me and hubby have gone to our daughters for Christmas tea. Because of her advanced years it was too far to take mum.The last time we took her in the summer was about five years ago and half way down the motorway she wanted to go back home!!!

My daughter did used to come over to us on Christmas day even when her son was a new born but as he's got older (he's eleven now) they understandably wanted to be in their own home and of course she has HER husband to consider as well
He too has a mother who lives fifty miles away in the opposite direction to us! !! (Goodness...don't I natter on?!? I bet half of you readers are asleep by now! !!!)

I explained to mum that I'd be there again on boxing day morning and that my daughter, son in law and Max (great grandson) would be there to see her in the afternoon she still wasn't happy. I do understand how mum must feel but I just have to take a stance how ever hard it feels.

Anyway moan overI do feel better for getting it off my chest so to speak.

Wishing all of you on this site a very Happy Christmas and all good wishes fir 2020!!! Xx

[bowlingbun]

Joan, ENJOY your Christmas Day because you really deserve being "off duty" for once.

Mother's always know which buttons to press, but she is so lucky to have anyone at all able to visit regularly.
We are all getting older, and you deserve to spend quality time with your daughter and grandson.

[Joan_1501]

Bowlingbun!!

You are a treasure!! You have often given me good advice and it makes me feel better knowing that you understand so much. Thank you!!

Wishing you and yours a lovely Christmas and sending you a virtual big hug (()).

Joan xx

[Joan_2005]

Hi another Joan here and I have just the same problems.
The virus is not helping.
Mum just cannot understand that with a disabled husband and us both well into retirement age we cannot look after her.
Mum is 94 and I am 69.
I get so fed up with the many of letters she sends me each day moaning and saying she wants to move into a home of her own She wants to clean her own home and cook her own food. The care home she is in is first class. I made sure of that.

She went missing when she lived with us. She burned food. She broke her hip and because we were out shopping she was on her own for 2 hours.

The granny flat she lived in next to our house is just not suitable for her. The assessors said that she needed to climb stairs to get there and she couldn't use stairs.

Quite frankly too I am not getting any younger.

Basically I am writing to say that you so much. Hearing other people with the same problem is so comforting.

Joan