Help!! Mum is 88, I am 68 and she only wants me!!

[bowlingbun]

I'm sorry mum still hasn't settled. Of course it's NOT your fault that she is in there. She is in there because she is a frail old lady with high care needs that cannot be met anywhere else.
Be kind to yourself, walk out as soon as mum starts having a go at you. You don't deserve it.

[Pet66]

Hello Joan, welcome back
Its not uncommon for residents to be settled for months and then have a downturn. My friends dad is 94, and has times still of saying he is going home with her, can be very vocal and difficult. Then he goes back to being settled. She cuts the visit short, if he is having his difficult times. She has learned that its best for all concerned. He is OK, I have seen him settled when she isn't there.
Had similar issues with hubby at times. Miss him dreadfully, but I don't miss the awkward times and the tummy churning feelings. You look after yourself and enjoy time with your husband.

[Joan_1501]

Bowling bun and Pet, thank you both so much for replying to my post and your kind advice. It's so good to know that there are people on this site who totally understand..

I am able to look at mum's care plan etc on the internet and yesterday she was very agitated wanting me and asking staff where her husband was and to "get out of her house"!. It was very hard for staff to reassure her and she totally exhausted herself. Anyway she has had a restful night so just hoping that when I visit this afternoon she will be a lot better (everything crossed! !).

Big hugs to you both. Joan x

[Sally_17031]

Oh Joan. I can so relate. My Dad sadly never really settled. The home were amazing and did say he was better when we weren't there. But visits were awful with him getting violent, having to be restrained and being verbally abusive. I sadly ended up limiting visits as it was so awful. Not how I wanted his last months to be. (He died in Feb). But I still feel it was the right thing. His needs were so high he would have finished us all off if he had stayed at home. You are doing the right thing. Sometimes there just isn't a choice. Sending a big hug. xxx

[Sarah_1907123]

This thread is resonating so strongly with me!

90 YO mother recently discharged from hospital. NHS insisting that she has 24/7 domiciliary care - we think she would have been so much better mentally and socially in residential care (as home care hasn’t been very successful before) but she was adamant she wanted to go home and SS disregarded our advice and said it’s entirely her choice. Particularly, as the SW said she had full mental capacity.

She’s been at home 6 days, and despite having a full time carer, is on the phone several times a day either begging us for help, telling us she’d has a fall (it was a slight stumble!) or that she desperately needs shopping. When we visited yesterday, we told her that whilst we would visit her whenever we could, her direct care is not our responsibility - that’s why she’s paying £6500 PM - and her food shopping is part of the package and her carer knows what food is in the house. She then howled like a baby, said we were abandoning her (we fought SS tooth and nail to try to get her into residential care which would have been so much more suitable) and when we told her SHE had repeatedly requested to go home and she’d now got what she wanted, she shouted at us and said that everyone should have made allowances for the fact she was ill and old and therefore, unable to make the right decision. She ranted about “that bloody social worker” when he was only doing exactly what she wanted.

She demanded that we “sort it out” Was furious when we said that she had the capacity and would have to make a call to the SW if she wanted to change her mind and then viciously said, “When I think of all I’ve done for you lot over the years and now you won’t even help me!”

We came away feeling real scumbags.


I’m ashamed to say today I’ve redirected her calls to the answerphone and there’s already 3 messages in a very pathetic voice saying she has absolutely no food in the house and could we get some? Surely it’s the live in carer’s responsibility to ensure there’s enough - not ours? There seemed to be sufficient when I checked the cupboards and freezer yesterday.

Do my OH and I harden our hearts and ignore these calls and does it sound like she’s “playing” us? She’s always delegated responsibility and decision making over the years to my OH - including financial and health but has also always been very quick and happy to blame others when things don’t always work out.

[bowlingbun]

This clearly isn't going to stop, especially given her history.
I would suggest leaving the answerphone on, and then recording them or invite the social worker to listen to them. They will amount to compelling evidence so whilst I'm sure you don't ever want to listen to them again as they upset you so much, they may be the evidence you desperately needed to get her into residential care. I do hope so.

If you go over to her place, also take a photo of the fridge and freezer each time. A picture says a thousand words. The carer should be keeping a record of everything she is buying and how much she is spending. It's desperately important that she has proper financial forms to complete which you then balance at the end of every week.

Auditors found that my son had £2,500 in 10 months either disappear completely, or spent on things other than what was on the care plan!!

[Sarah_1907123]

This clearly isn't going to stop, especially given her history.
I would suggest leaving the answerphone on, and then recording them or invite the social worker to listen to them. They will amount to compelling evidence so whilst I'm sure you don't ever want to listen to them again as they upset you so much, they may be the evidence you desperately needed to get her into residential care. I do hope so.

If you go over to her place, also take a photo of the fridge and freezer each time. A picture says a thousand words. The carer should be keeping a record of everything she is buying and how much she is spending. It's desperately important that she has proper financial forms to complete which you then balance at the end of every week.

Auditors found that my son had £2,500 in 10 months either disappear completely, or spent on things other than what was on the care plan!!

Thanks Bowlingbun, that’s great advice. I’ve copied the recordings onto my iPad - already quite collection!

Incidentally, after posting this, we had another message left from MIL, groaning and wailing in pain. Without being callous, I’m not sure, when she’s got a live in carer, what she expects us to do at 9:30 at night. OH rang back and the carer said it was the first she had heard about it. He suggested that the carer call 111 if she really believed there was an issue with MIL (who was not best pleased and still persisted in crying for us to go around)

[Karen_1906123456]

Hi everyone
Gosh, I am relieved this thread is still running after 4 years! I haven’t read every post but probably enough to see there are many people in a similar situation.
My mother is 86 and registered blind. Last summer, after an accidental bowel perforation, haemorrhage, sepsis, 11 days in Intensive Care and 5 weeks in hospital, she lost vision from being confined, and suffered memory loss; she was given a stoma. She went in 5 weeks from being almost totally independent (other than needing help with reading and admin) to mostly dependent. Carers come twice a day to change her bag as she can’t see to do it herself. I do everything else other than personal care.
Of course, it was assumed that I would look after her. I automatically stepped in initially without realising the long-term implications - which you can guess. I wasn’t very close to Mum; she had three husbands, was a strong businesswoman, highly extravert. She has always been loquacious, feisty, quick to anger over trivial things, theatrical, less than straightforward. I am introverted, a biologist, peace loving, anxious.. I am with her from 5 to 12 hours a day. And yes, I scream at her when she resists all suggestions of anyone else helping her, mainly because she screams when I suggest it.
Blimey, that’s a rambling intro ... i hope some of you are still reading...
Maybe more later ...
Best wishes
K

[Joan_1501]

Hi Karen. Ramble on as much as you like.! ! It's very therapeutic!!!!!
And we're all here to listen and offer any advice we can.

One thing I've thought of is does your mum receive attendance allowance. She would, I'm sure, certainly qualify from what you have told us. It's a tax free social security benefit which isn't means tested.

I'm sure others will be along shortly to give you plenty of support/advice.

In the meantime in sending you a virtual hug!! Joan

[bowlingbun]

Hi Karen,
How did the "accidental bowel perforation" occur. I'm wondering if it could be medical negligence?
You CANNOT be forced to care, even a wife cannot be forced to care for a husband.
So it's not mum who chooses to have you over everyone else, it's YOUR CHOICE.
Mum gets her own way, because you don't exercise your choice not to care.
It took me 30 years to realise this, how I wish I'd stood up for myself long ago.
You decide what, if anything you want to do. Then someone else has to do the rest or mum goes without.
Otherwise you give up your whole life until she dies. A friend of mine cared for his mum until she was 104. Is that really what you want???
You need to keep your sanity, with regular time off. You have to make yourself unavailable.
Does mum have over £23,000 in savings?
Own or rent her home?