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Help!! Mum is 88, I am 68 and she only wants me!! - Page 17 - Carers UK Forum

Help!! Mum is 88, I am 68 and she only wants me!!

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229 posts

https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... read-35998

As I created the MAIN thread , I suspect I'll be in the frame for any questions.

Fire away .... am I allowed three passes ... perhaps four ?

Even an " Ask the forum ( Audience ) " would be nice !
Please don't feel too bad about not having Mum at home. It is sad her dementia has increased that she now needs a whole team of people, but that's the way it is. No one can cope alone.
If she can't remember how to stand it's likely she's misremembering where home is, she could be wanting to go back to a childhood one , which is common I think
Just concentrate on the good things- she's fed, warm, safe, clean and you can visit without being exhausted

Joan, even with dementia, it takes time for people to settle in a nursing home. Hubby thinks he is in all sorts of places. Hotel, hospital, sometimes I think just home? It's horrible leaving them, I still fight the guilt monster ( having a bad day of that today) but like you it's impossible to have our loved ones home.
I can't say it gets easier, but somehow you learn to adjust.
Joan, where do YOU live?
If you own your home, would you rather live in mum's home after she goes into residential care?
You do NOT have to sell the house, the council can put a "charge" on the property instead, so they pay the fees in the short term while you decide what is best to do. Don't be rail roaded into something before you know the rules. If she gets CHC eventually (expect a fight!) then all her fees will be paid and she will still get her pension.
Thank you all for your kind replies.

Mum does understand that she is in a nursing home although can't remember transferring there from hospital just over a week ago. She also does know where her home is. Unfortunately she does not have the capacity to understand that she now needs more care than I can give her.( Doctors say 24 hour care.)

Unfortunately the other residents have more complex needs than mum. Quite a few shouting and others wandering around obviously not knowing where they are. Mum is very upset about this and I do understand how she must feel. She think that I have 'dumped' her there and calls me a traitor (amongst other things !!).

I have asked the Sister in charge if mum could not be moved to a general nursing ward where it would be much quieter for her and the Sister is going to ask the care home manager if this can be arranged. So fingers crossed.

Bowlingbun....thanks for tha advice re moving into mum's home but as I have my own home I would not want to do this. We did think of renting it out to try and make mum's capital last a bit longer before we needed to sell it but working out the figures have decided not to go down this route. We will just try and sell it this spring and put the proceeds in the bank. (Anyone know of a bank account with good interest rates? ?!!??)😊

Anyway I will keep you updated of how things go and thank you all again for your support.

But hug to you all.☺

Joan x
PS Bowlingbun. 're Continuing Care. I am sure i will have a fight on my hands but I am still going to try!

And yes, I only realised the other day, after reading something either on this site or it might have been the Alzheimer's site that pension is not lost when continuing care is awarded. These two sites are brilliant in learning about all the ins and outs from people like yourself who have so much personal knowledge. Thank you!!

Kind regards. Joan x
Joan I hope that having time for yourself comes as a welcome breath of fresh air.

Hopefully your mum will adjust and you can enjoy visits without thenpressure of being a carer.

I wish you all the best.
Thank you Jacqueline for your kind thoughts.

Mum actually smiled at me when I visited today and the first half hour of my visit went well. Reminiscing about her old neighbour from seventy years ago! ! But then it started!!!!!! Just going on and on about why she's there etc etc. Tried making her a cup of tea etc but nothing worked!

I'm at a loss as to what to talk about next and believe me I can usually talk the hind legs off a donkey! ! Anyway I've decided that I
need a "prompt " sheet when I go to see her!!! As in I'm going to think of different things I can start talking about and list then in a little note book. Not a bad idea me thinks! !!! So I'll see how that goes! Try anything once. Any ideas gratefully received !

Joan x😀
Yes, a crib sheet of safe topics, but also timing the visit to just before a meal time so it is of limited duration. Or have 'an appointment' to go too.
Or have a task to share, a jigsaw or crossword, a piece of knitting, a book to discuss, a a magazine to read together.

It's amazing once the physical caring stops just how much time there is to fill. There is no cooking , cleaning, laundry, shopping, errands, clock watching for medications, dressing, undressing. But it leaves space to fill with someone who's circle has become quite small.
I try talking to Mum about the other residents but she is usually so disparaging that I don't even bother now.
Do you ever just tell her bluntly - Mum, you are here because I can't look after you any longer at home, you're nearly 90 and you have to be here because there is no where else for you to be.

And now, put up or shut up or I leave - so there!

If you didn't want to be here you should have died earlier....

OK, maybe not the last bit, but something like 'well, that's the grim choice mum - we either leave this world or put up with increasingly frailty'.

I don't think there is anything 'wrong' in telling her bluntly that you CANNOT look after her yourself any longer at home, and that is sad, but true, and that's all there is to it.

if she won't change the subject, leave.

Not sure how far the home is, but 'little and often' is probably better - for both of you. She gets to see you 'frequently' and you get 'not stuck' with her so long. A routine of 'popping in and out' is better all round?

Is she fit enough to come out of the home, and go for car rides (if you have one). I did this with my MIL and it was SOOO much 'easier' than trying to make laboured conversation etc. When I could not longer get her in and out of the car visits were much shorter....
229 posts