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Help!! Mum is 88, I am 68 and she only wants me!! - Page 15 - Carers UK Forum

Help!! Mum is 88, I am 68 and she only wants me!!

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214 posts
Well..... Doctor has finally said that Mum doesn't have mental capacity but that I should contact social services to also assess! Social worker has visited and said that she doesn't have mental capacity but that they have to still listen to what she wants with regards to remaining at home. He said that at the moment because she mobilises well and has not fallen since last October and does not wander outside that she is best at home. He said that whilst she doesn't have insight to her situation he hasn't done an in depth mental capacity assessment as at this point not looking to place her anywhere. Even though I pointed out that she sometimes doesn't wear her pendant alarm and I was worried that she might fall if not wearing it, also that she has mrsa because of her continually removing dressing on her leg/picking at the wound, he said that social services can't place someone in a care home because of ,"what if" something happened. So basically she has to fall/wander or end up with the wound turning a lot worse before anyone in authority will agree to her going on somewhere..

Today she has taken the dressing off twice and district nurses saying that they cannot be coming all the time to redress the leg! But at least the nurse I spoke to was very understanding and said she would speak further with the doctor.

Rant over!!!
Mum now in hospital after suffering hallucinations. I have visited each afternoon but she becomes very upset that I'm not taking her home. Feel that I should visit of an evening also as last night the nurse's said she was asking them to ring me. I really don't know what to do for the best. She no longer has mental capacity but still understands where she is and will go mad when they place her in a home. Part of me would like to take her home and look after her but I have reached a point where I feel I can't do this. I don't want to look after her 24 hourly. I have a husband to consider. Mum says she is heartbroken that I won't look after her etc. . What a nightmare!!
Please let this be the 'crisis' that triggers residential care finally. Your earlier post indicated that the SS were 'holding out' against it (obviously for financial reasons - cheaper for them!) (I take it she's not self-funding).

Read back your posts right from the start and see how stressed you've been all this time. Residential care really is the only 'sanity-saving' option now.

Even if she's 88 (or a year or so older by now!), she could live another five years - my MIL has only just died at 94, and she needed care since she was 89....

One possible 'compromise' you could offer her is this - that yes, she lives 'mostly' in the care home, but that you will take her 'home' for weekends or whatever. That way she gets a bit back of 'home life' and you get 'your life back' too when you are not with her. I did this with my MIL until her dementia worsened.
Joan_1501 wrote:
Sun Dec 09, 2018 6:19 pm
Mum now in hospital after suffering hallucinations. I have visited each afternoon but she becomes very upset that I'm not taking her home. Feel that I should visit of an evening also as last night the nurse's said she was asking them to ring me. I really don't know what to do for the best. She no longer has mental capacity but still understands where she is and will go mad when they place her in a home. Part of me would like to take her home and look after her but I have reached a point where I feel I can't do this. I don't want to look after her 24 hourly. I have a husband to consider. Mum says she is heartbroken that I won't look after her etc. . What a nightmare!!
I would suggest NOT increasing the visits and NOT visiting every afternoon. It will help the authorities see more what she is like without you supporting her, it will give you a break and it will start her getting used to not seeing you every day - a win win win situation

Yes, she won't be happy, even if she is ok she wouldn't say so BUT she is safe, fed, warm, clean
If you are contemplating residential care then you need to learn to adjust just as much as she will, and that is a gradual withdrawal

Kr
MrsA
I've just seen the date of your first post!!!!
4th Anniversary approaching soon.
You have been in this situation 4 years... that is doing a great job, but her needs are increasing, now is the time to start handling over, if you are given the opportunity...they may well discharge her home
Thank you Jenny and Mrs average for your kind replies.
Yes I first posted four years ago and haven't those years flown!!

I have told all who will listen that I feel mum is no longer safe living alone and fortunately they (as in district nurse team, her doctor and social worker agree). Mum is self funding but the home I have in mind do need a social worker assessment given that she doesn't want to go into care. It's a good idea what you said Jenny about taking her home for the weekend etc but there is absolutely NO reasoning with her at all. I just hope that when they do move her she settles sooner than later.

And yes I will take your advice 're stepping back and leaving it to the hospital staff and others to see what she is like and also for her to get used to others caring for her.

Thank you for your kind support.

Joan x
Joan
It's the statement that's made on the forum many times.
NEEDS trump WANTS! Your Mother's needs have increased, and so have yours, as in you need time for yourself and your husband. Actually you have been amazing and your husband sounds as though he has too. Time for you 2 now!
Do NOT visit more than once or at most twice a week.
Turn you answerphone on at home and give the hospital your mobile number to ONLY BE USED IN DIRE EMERGENCY.
Sadly, she is now only getting progressively worse. It's time for her to move somewhere that can care for her until she dies, no more moves ever again.
Get your husband to support you dealing with the hospital.
Just read most of this thread.

I have been my mothers carer for two years. She has recently started having 2 carers four times a day (she is immobile due to arthritis). She is showing all the signs of early dementia.

Even without doing the perso al care I am SO unhappy/drained and sad. I love my mum. She is gratwful and sweet to me but thinks mainly of her own needs (although pays lip service to mine). Always has been like this. Loving but selfish!

I wish she could go to a care home so I could be free but I am not yet 60 so would lose the house (mothers). Will be hiring regular live in carers for ho!iday respite care until we are no longer self fundong (not long now).

Life is short. Its up to us to make it sweet.

I keep crying. Its hard losing your mum in small ways evdry day.

Glad you are making time for yourself and yor husband.
No easy answers....

Sometimes, no answers at all....
214 posts