Help!! Mum is 88, I am 68 and she only wants me!!

[bowlingbun]

Hi Joan,

My late mum was desperate to stay in her own home, but after she was in and out of hospital, more disabled each time she came out, in the end there was simply no option left other than residential care. Fortunately, she accepted this, but I know she didn't like being in the home, although it was the very best in the area.

It's very sad seeing our parents get old, but they don't realise that we too are getting old, and disabled ourselves. I had a head on smash that nearlyl killed me, saved only by the fact that I was driving my late husband's Range Rover, not my Escort. It was written off and I spent years hobbling around with a walking stick before I had knee replacements. I'd also had major surgery about 18 months previously, it was all I could do to look after myself, my house, my business and my son with learning difficulties but mum still expected me to do the things which she couldn't!!!!

How do her letters get from her to you? Would it not be best to ask the home not to post them to you?

[Joan_2005]

Thanks so much for your reply.
The care home posted but now emails the letters to me. They like to be open and honest and I suppose caring. I think maybe I just will not open them in future. However, that makes me feel guilty.
I am also unsure as to what dementia is. She does not seem to have the symptoms I read about, but then will say things that are well out of date. Such as I hate going out in a wheelchair in case the neighbours see me. (She refers to a street she lived in 70+ years ago and all the neighbours are long dead and gone.)
She will talk about getting things for her which are downstairs in her flat. Her flat never had a downstairs. However, she can talk lucidly about some things. She has asked me for warm jumpers, I have given her every jumper she owns.

It's just nice to find a site where people understand what I am going through and are so supportive!

Joan

[bowlingbun]

Hi Joan, has mum's dementia ever been investigated? Has she had a brain scan? There are many different types. I believe there are more details on the Alzheimer's Society website.

[Pet66]

Joan, my late husband had vascular dementia along with other illnesses. There were times when I doubted the diagnosis. Such as being to work out maths could quote the !as etc. Then I would be brought back to earth! Asking where his parents were, saying he had been to all sorts of places, to work so on and so on.. Confabulatated allot the time. Harder for the family than the dementia sufferers .
I do feel for you, at this difficult time. You know you have and are doing the right thing for your mother, and for yourself

[Christine_190212]

Hello..I am in total sympathy with you..have found myself in a situation I never anticipated - living with my 95 yr old father in law (after a year of living with both my parents in law)..I have been a servant for him (and them both before she passed) and am struggling to find the compassion I need to carry on.
Was struck to hear my father in law's son (my husband'sboy from his first marriage) say he felt a feeling of hate for his grandfather recently having been here in our home..I wish I could've been honest and said I'd had enough..of not being able to live the way I wanted to..for me and my husband and our two children..we can't go out unless carers are home..and that costs money we don't have..
Be strong you..and know it is not forever. x

[bowlingbun]

Christine, have you had a Carers Assessment?
When did FIL last have a Needs Assessment?
How much care does he need?
It's not just him getting older, but you too.
At 68 I certainly don't have any of the energy I used to have!

[Joan_1501]

Hello Joan and Christine.

Sorry I haven't acknowledged your posts sooner. Not been on the site for months, soreeee. Anyway just a brief word to say hope you are both coping as best you can in these strangest of times and I do hope that things are improving for you both.

Things plod on with my mum and finally I think she has come to terms with being in the nursing home. I've only been able to see her four times (outside) since March because of covid but am able to phone her regularly and usually "facetime" with her about once a week.

I hope you both are familiar with claiming attendance allowance which is a tax free and non means tested benefit for people over 65 who may need help because of their deteriorating condition.

Sending you both a big virtual hug.

Joan .XXX ( live in Yorkshire)

[Wendy_20081]

I've started this reply three times now but have lost two drafts so this will be a short post!! I can't thank Joan enough for her original post, nor the posters of several replies for their excellent advice and support. Suffice it to say that I find myself in a very similar situation - Mum is almost 90, I'm 68 and an only child. Since my stepdad died 15 months ago, Mum has needed more support and become increasingly demanding. She wants me with her as much as possible but whatever I do it's never enough. Mum is capable of basic household chores and cooking her own meals though does need support with some tasks such as laundry, etc but she hates being alone and wants company (ie mine) all the time. Since she moved a few months back to less than 3 miles away from 20+ miles, I have visited every day, usually twice, and spent 3 hours or more per day with her as well as staying overnight once a week. On "good" (ie good mood) days, it can be pleasant enough, though I still find myself resenting the fact that I'm not spending time at home or doing the things I want and need to do there. On "bad" days, Mum will shout at me if I "interfere" in her kitchen (ie clean it or wash up) or try to vacuum, for example. Even on "good" days, she wants to know where I am and what I'm doing and will show her displeasure at anything that doesn't involve or relate to her. She doesn't want "strangers" in her home; she was quite rude to the person who came to install an alarm band (which she has refused to have anywhere near her wrist!) because I had arranged it. I know I need to arrange for some additional carers (though I don't envy them if Mum takes against them) and I hope I can, with the advice and encouragement I've found in this thread, move forward, take control of my own life back (at least to some extent) and assuage or at least learn to live with the guilt of never doing enough for Mum. Thank you for this thread.

[bowlingbun]

You must stop making yourself so available.
If mum shouts at you, say "I'm not staying" put your coat on, and LEAVE. Immediately.
The only power she has is the power you let her have. Take control.
You don't have to go over to hers every day. Say things like "I can only stay for half an hour today as I have some things to do".
Yes, she's a widow, she's lonely, there is a hole in her life that no one can fill. It will always be that way.
I was widowed at 54!
Tell her she was so lucky to have dad for however many years they knew each other. Lots of happy memories to look back on, etc. etc.
I believe we are all responsible for our own happiness, that's not just her, it's you too.
While you are at hers, you are not doing things for yourself. Take a day off from mum, and go and do something special for yourself.

[Joanne_210312]

I have stayed up half the night reading this post from beginning to end after finding it on a internet search looking for advice on my healthy (not ill that I know of) MIL who seems to only talk about the past these days which worries me a bit. I am so impressed with the amazing advice given to Joan and the time and care taken in writing the replies. The message about taking control of your life and not letting others decide your life for you is so empowering, it has opened my eyes. Jenny and Bowlingbun in particular give amazing advice.

This is a wonderful forum, normally I never ever post on line but this feels like a safe space. You have showed compassion, maturity, practicality and care which is just so rare to see these days. It really has lifted my spirits so much so that I've joined this forum and will definitely use it myself in the future. I care for my 82 year old MIL and 13 year old son with Asperger's and don't have anyone to talk to about it.