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Hello to all - new here - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Hello to all - new here

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
£800 a week - that's around what my friend paid when she went on holiday for a live in carer to take over for her dad with dementia. She had to pay for the carer's food too (well, strictly speaking ,the dad did, via PoA), and the carer had to have I think a couple of hours off every day (not surprisingly!). The carer was hired via an agency (so all the stuff about insurance etc was taken care of). Some folk here have managed to hire a live in carer directly, but of course there are issues there about things like insurance/pensions/sickleave/maternity leave/NI etc etc etc!

I don't know whether it would be more if the carer had to look after two people - I wouldn't be surprised!
It's an interesting question, should you pay twice for two people who need simultaneous, and similar care, living at the same address? I guess the model is the client one. Each person is a client, therefore, as far as care agencies are concerned, there are two different accounts, both of which would be charged separately. Perhaps the more client oriented agencies would enter into an agreement that suited both parties. I doubt however, that the more business oriented, which seem to make up the majority, would even entertain such a proposal. Maybe I'm being cynical, but my personal experience of care agencies, tends to support my views.
Hi guys - quick update
I spoke to the dr - who was open and friendly - of course they said they could not act unless they booked in to see her . I spoke to my father as we discussed last week , when i had said that i would give him the chance to raise these concerns with a doctor . He point blank refused to do so , refused to admit that mum wasn't safe to drive " she doesn't drive far ..." Said he would deal with it in his own time ( i.e. never ) . As i had said to him face to face that if he would not raise the concerns with the dr then i would again.
He has now had a discussion with my mother and said that I am not welcome in at the house and they want nothing more to do with me ...
Part of me feels like i have handled this badly but at the same time I know that the health care professionals that have interacted with my mum have said she needs to be seen and get support , and diagnosed and help and or treatment . Other part of me knows that the discussion i had tonight , isn't the first chance that me or my brother have given him to her help and themselves , and that he does not want to deal with the reality of the situation
Oh dear.
Congratulations, Martin, on doing the right thing. It must have been a difficult decision. No doubt the situation will proceed differently from how your father sounds now.
Its heart breaking as i do not know the version of events that he has related to my mother . Perhaps i pushed to hard I dunno .... I know that she deserves to have the correct care and support which he can't provide
It was never going to be any easy conversation, but it had to be said.
If you think that anyone's driving could cause harm to others, then you have a responsibility to do something about it. I remember having a deal with my dad that as long as the GP said he was safe to drive the I wouldn't say no. He didn't ask the GP but a year later gave the car to my niece.
Good luck for the next step on your journey.
Hi Martin
How sad that your Dad is so proud or frightened or deluded or whatever it is that is stopping him from acknowledging your Mum's health issues that he bans his son from his home. Poor man and poor, poor Mum who will be confused and frightened herself and horrified that she has been cut off from her son. Has your dad always been controlling or is this a personality change? Could he be starting on the dreadful dementia road himself?
Very sad for you too. You didn't want this banishment and it's probably keeping you awake nights. I know how scary it is when someone who really shouldn't be driving continues to do so. I had a few issues with my dad and his driving, which is a long story I won't go into.
Is your brother still able to converse with your parents? Allowed in the house? May some sneaky sabotage be in order? I'm a complete car zombie. I can drive but yell for help if anything goes wrong. Can your brother 'lose' the car keys, pull a wire out, put sugar in the petrol or something?
Will dad allow your brother to talk to him and Mum in a 'I'm on your side Dad but perhaps Martin has a point. What's the harm in a visit to the doctor?' kind of a way. Good cop/bad cop? (Why would dad refuse a visit to the GP if he doesn't believe anything is wrong.?)
I'm glad you had a good conversation with the GP. I think you ought to put something in writing along the lines of 'further to our conversation,' and restate your concerns for your parents. How about SS too?
My thought is that although your father is perfectly entitled to make his own decisions, I question as to whether he should be allowed to make decisions for your mother which may be contrary to her well being?
You've already got a lot on your plate. This is going to be a bad time. Is your brother more able to deal with it time and distance wise?
Wishing you well
Yes, very hard on you emotionally.

How about you writing a letter to the GP practice (do you know which it is, or which it is likely to be?) and stating your concerns, so that they may then potentially take action to safeguard your mum? Ditto with SS?

If you know your parents' car's registration number you should be able to inform DV LA at least.

Please don't be too upset by all this. I suspect it is a last-ditch attempt by your father to retain the old 'normality' but it would seem a crisis is looming, and then care will be 'forced' upon him. Very often on this website we hear of carees reaching some kind of crisis which then triggers an initiation of a resolution of the care-problem.

The question about whether your dad is a 'controller' may well be pertinent, as the 'controller' in him will not want anyone to 'interfere' between him and his wife. Do you think him a controller? (As in, did he show such tendencies when you were growing up?). Or is his denial fuelled by fear of admitting that they are both getting old and vulnerable?
Martin, you have done absolutely the right thing. Make sure you tell the doctor, in writing , and possibly Social Services and the Police too, what is going on, so they have something on file, If all else fails, think about letting a tyre down at night, or even removing a wheel? You can do that without car keys!
Hi All
yes unfortunately as people have surmised this is a result of my father's controlling personality along with no doubt being scared and selfish .. I will take care of the driving . I am concerned that my mother my be being denied diagnosis and treatment which could prolong the quality of life for her..