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Hello there. - Carers UK Forum

Hello there.

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi and good morning all.
The forums and sub forums are a little confusing for my first time here and hoping to post so I hope this fits in somehow.
I’m Nick, a 42 year old teacher having been in the trade for what will be my 21st year this coming September. I am an unofficial carer for the partner I love with but which I deem erstwhile such are the increasing demand in my time, patience and ability to cope with how he - nearly 30 and on a myriad of pills - manages or doesn’t manage himself as both autistic, Adult ADHD, T2 diabetic and forever eating, wanting or demanding chocolate, sweets and cake, as well as depression, anxiety and paranoia plus more. My holidays such as they are for a teacher are the only time I have to myself and yet I joke but not really that I’ve not had a holiday or break for nine years because that’s the length of time we’ve been, er, manacled together!
My salary is my salary yet he contributes nothing and is - I don’t know if it is an official diagnosis - a compulsive liar and if you try to get rid then he’ll start bending the truth or outright lying about you, if not raising a voice, talking over one or tantrums. I’m exhausted. All he gets is a monthly PIP benefit which I managed to secure for him with at least one component on the higher rate, and it never lasts him the month it’s meant to, I never see any of it and I’m done.
Support has been patchy at best. I’m trying to set up with some nuggets of success time with the new area we are now moved to again but of course, with moving, the whole process usually has to begin again with all these lengthy expositions of what he/you have and what’s been done or usually hasn’t been done. It’s tiring and I’m trying to reach out more and more as someone with no savings at my age and working on a month to month basis in an undesirable position. Work is almost my respite and it shouldn’t be.
All the very best to you.
Nick
Nick, welcome to the forum.

To an outsider, it seems that you are being used terribly, it's a very one way relationship, he does all the taking and you do all the giving. Why?
Your partner needs an immediate reality check and MUST pay his way.
You need to become his DWP Appointee, claim all the benefits which he is entitled to (talk to the Carers UK helpline).
Then he contributes to the family expenses, with £25 pocket money for him.
Why is he unable to work?
Sounds like it is time for tough love. Tell us more about him.
Hello Nicholas

You said you are done.
You seem exasperated and exhausted.
Are you done with the status quo or done with him, that is the key to your future.
Is he due/overdue a review on himself and medications?

Is he under a social worker/autism worker?
Is he out of control or engineered it to just how he wants it to be.

There isn't any advice or guidance I can give as a non professional but I have some thoughts.

Diabetes - is he attending diabetic clinic?
When did he last have a review for his type 2 meds?
Blood sugar will be way out of control and although not to blame for all of his behaviours it will be unbalancing him in some ways.

Many diabetics are in denial or rebel and need to have some serious relapses before they take it seriously. High sugar intake, as I am sure you know can cause damage to body organs and retina damage leading to blindness and can result in amputations.

A constant need to eat is a concern, increased anxiety picking up vibes from you? It could be any number of reasons, I couldn't say why.

As well as here there are two other forums you might find helpful.
Diabetes UK
National Autistic Society

Full reality, if you really are done, then you are done and staying will make things worse for both of you especially if he is picking up vibes from you, unless you want to make things better and stay together.

Calling it a day and moving on might not be easy, ensure he has his professional support eg social worker/autism professional in regular contact to support him.
I cannot tell you how to do it other than tread carefully and have a look in the National Autistic Society forum in the parents and carers section and contact the helpline.
https://community.autism.org.uk/f/parents-and-carers
You can also do searches for topics in there.