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Hello I'm new to the forum. - Carers UK Forum

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Hi all, this is long so apologies for this long winded rant; been caring for my mum for about 12 years. Alcohol induced frontal temporal dementia. Also arthritis in knees so physically restricted too. Brother doesn't help at all, to the point he told my husband once, coming to help is out of the question, "we all have our own lives to lead." But I'm lucky I have a very supportive hubby and children. Mum fell and broke the top of her femur 1st week of May 2015, came home in June. Brother visited hospital which I joked was for the nurses benefit to show what a 'good son' he was and that she wouldn't see him when home. And that's exactly what happened. He did actually offer once to sit with her when she came home and as I was previously committed to a job he and his wife came down on the Sunday. He called me twice during the day to see "how I was getting on" in other words, how long you going to be?No sooner I walked in from this job they had their coats on. Oh he said I was going to cut grass but couldn't find shed key. Well he'd managed to call me twice earlier! I asked if mum had eaten ok, the same answer 3 times, "well she's been asleep" I said you have to wake her as the meds are making her sleep. So no food or drink. How about the commode? Answer, "I won't do that I don't think it's something I should do, it's not right" (his hands in the air in defence! ) but Rita is here too. (His wife. ) didn't answer. When they went I changed mums pull up cleaned her up etc, tidied up and cleared their McDonald's rubbish including some shoved down the chair! Because she'd laid in wet etc all day the next day she broke out in terrible sores which took me 5 weeks to rectify. That was the last time he spent any length of time with her, any visits I can count on one hand and last no more that 15 minutes and are just before xmas, sometimes mothers day or if he had a dental appt down here. He lives about half hour away. Sorry this is going on a bit but had to paint what they are like and I want to seek opinions on what's now happened. He has poa but used to forget to pay bills, her phone was cut off once! We went on about putting the bills on DD and is a cheaper rate, which he finally did. He text me one night recently saying he was in shock that the electric bill was 1100 in debt, yes but that will even out in the summer. But he paid it! So doesn't know how this works! I need to add I moved in with mum once she left hospital but I did get lonely so at Xmas 2016 my family came to stay here and help, our house is going down whilst mums is looking great ha ha. So we did think he was hinting for electric money. We had a carer for 2 years to do lunch so it would give us/me a break to get on with other things and I could do occasional work but she went on holiday early November and never came back, not even a courtesy call. So my brother finally asked in January if she returned, "no we're back to doing it all again." Which finally brings me to this. He text a couple of weeks ago to ask if she still needed the hospital bed, no reason why. A week later text, "I'm clearing out dining room so she can come come stay here for a bit." Well no call to us to see if that would help, when, how long for, he doesn't know her needs, routine, her meds. I have her doing exercises each day that's why she's walking again. I've worked hard for mum to keep some independence and last year her assessment said the dementia had reversed and that she had capacity, although short term memory was gone. I know he won't do any of the things I do. She hasn't drunk for 4+ years, but I know he'll give her wine to keep her quiet, (he's done it in the past, ) and I feel she'll go backwards, also this dining room is in the centre of the house so no window! My hubby thinks there's an alternative reason, after all she was 90 in November and she wanted to go up the Shard, so I sorted it all out. Brother and wife turned up, no other grandchildren, not even a bunch of flowers. The next day I found a card shoved in my bag but they'd said nothing, they hadn't even given it to her on the day! Yesterday he called mum to say he was coming to get the bed! I had asked her over and over did she want to go and stay and she didn't. So I said well you need to tell him. So she called and told him. I have not had a call about any of this. I've got days out and apps organised too but he's obviously not considered any of this. Am I missing something, am I being unfair about his way of helping? I feel so angry.
Just ignore him from now on, he'll always disappoint you. Ask Social Services to do a Needs Assessment for mum, a Carers Assessment for you, and get the help that you are entitled to. However, as mum's condition worsens, you should consider residential care, maybe initially so you can get a proper holiday without worrying about whether she is being cared for properly. It's not just mum ageing, it's you too. I don't have anything like the energy I had ten years ago. Your energy is going down as mum's needs are going up. At some point there is a "Crossover Point" at which you simply can't do it any more. There is no shame in this, nothing to feel guilty about, just feel proud that you did what you could for mum, for as long as you could.
Is mum receiving Attendance Allowance? Claiming exemption from Council Tax due to "severe mental impairment"? Are you claiming Carers Allowance? Does mum pay you for the care you provide?
Hi, mum gets the allowance think it's just gone up to £55? I get carers allowance but when mum was in full blown dementia mode she spent thousands on £shop and other, charity and competition lines. I managed to stop her but it had been going on along time. My brother wouldn't agree anything was wrong. She has the c.tax exemption, no she doesn't pay me but then I wouldn't expect her to. I promised I wouldn't put her in a home and am trying to keep that as long as possible but realise there will come a day. I've been subsidising her, her shopping is with ours, hair, days out etc. She needs new windows which is why I've tried to build her funds back up, so doubly annoyed he paid the electric. Laughably one reason is the central heating isn't great so some years back I bought some electric oil filled radiators, safe and I could put timers on them. Then the main central heater in her lounge packed up and my brothers answer to it was to turn it off. Problem sorted then! Lucky I'd got the extra. My hubby had had it all to bits but it's just worn out. Bit like me! ! I'm managing to laugh at it all today for a change. Thank you, you've helped by just replying. I'll get her reassessed.
Your brother shouldn't have POA, you should, since you've done everything. Tell him that unless he hands the POA over to you, you will turn your mum over to him - FOR EVER.

Second, your mum SHOULD be paying you - which is why you need PoA.

Your brother is taking the line 'I don't want to look after my mum, but I want my sister to look after her while I keep control of mum's money.' This is NOT ON.

It's time for hard ball with your brother. Or you'll just limp along the way you've been doing.

What is your mum's overall financial situation? If she lives long enough to need residential care, and has assets over £23,500 she'll be self-funding. If she's approaching that limit anyway, then that's all the more reason she should be paying you for her care, as the only people you are saving money for is the local council!

If she dies before she needs a care home, then her estate, I assume, will be split 50:50 with your brother, who has done almost nothing to look after his own mother - that, again, is why she needs to pay you NOW, so you get YOUR fair share (which is a LOT more than half!).

In a way, I completely sympathathise with your brother opting out of caring for an alcoholic mother, but only if he's saying 'Look, sis, YOU shouldn't be doing it either - time for her to be in residential care!'. NOT if he's saying 'I don't want to look after her but I don't want her spending her money on a care home as I want to inherit half when she finally dies'.
Susan, it's probably time your mum's Attendance Allowance was reviewed. You should not be subsidising mum. Please ring the Carers UK helpline, as I'm not sure mum is getting everything she may be entitled to, and they will be able to discuss finances confidentially. For example, she might be entitled to Direct Payments, which can be paid to you under certain circumstances. The helpline will tell you more, but you need to ask Social Services for an updated Needs Assessment to start the ball rolling.