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Carers UK Forum • Hello..I've made it at last !! - Page 3
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Re: Hello..I've made it at last !!

Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2013 4:51 am
by ladybird17
Hi Joannarose,

Ditto - except I look after my Dad. The one difference is I don't live with him - but I'm just about 200 yards down the road. Everything that's been said about them not liking you being out of the room resonated with me, as when I am not actually with my Dad, my phone rings constantly - last night I got home and he rung me three times within the first hour! You made me chuckle about when your Mum perks up at the thought of a G & T - my Dad hears virtually nothing these days, but "whisky" or "brandy" he seems to have no trouble hearing! I tried to get my Dad to do things when my Mum passed away as they lived a very "social" lifestyle but he wouldn't do anything unless it was with me. Unfortunately he's lost most of his mobility now, and as he lives in a 1st floor flat with no lift, it's impossible for me to manage to get him out on my own. It's all to easy for the resentment to set in, I have taught myself to resent the "situation" as opposed to my Dad, as it's not his fault, he's a lovely man and I love him to pieces, and I don't want to ever feel any differently. I'm not a great sleeper so I use the early hours to catch up on things - hence being on here before 5am and I've already made a cake, done a load of washing, run the dishwasher and played countless games of solitaire! This is a great place just to have a chat or to let off steam, you will always get a friendly ear.

Re: Hello..I've made it at last !!

Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2013 9:16 am
by Joannarose
Thank you bowling bun
Yes, I'm torn really -whether to stay or not. Mum is a very social person who, at the drop of a hat will strike up a conversation with anyone. When we visited the centre last week just for an hour with every question they asked her, she looked to me before she spoke and looked to me for the answer and so after a while I pretended I needed the loo in order to see how she dealt with the situation without me.
The lady felt that Mum would be better once I wasn't there....this is so hard. I just don't know...she's going to hate me for this. Once we left the building she has not mentioned it again apart from saying that she wants to go art classes like she used to, which is fine if I can find one but that won't give me more than a couple of hours break a week. I guess I'll play it by ear.

Ladybird thank you !
How funny - like you, when dad was alive they had a very active social life. They were both very keen golfers in and out of the bar!! Mum had to give up playing about 8 years ago. Dad died some 15yrs ago now. Yes her hearing is somewhat 'selective' too!.
As you say, it is hard not to become resentful, like your dad, mums a lovely lady and all who meet and know her adore her, and that makes me feel very guilty at times. But as someone said yesterday, they don't live with the situation 24/7.
I will try to do as you do and blame the situation and not her. I try not to let mum see how I feel but I find myself unable to make any conversation at all sometimes..I seem to close myself in. It's so hard to stay positive and up- beat.
My two remaining friends asked me a couple of months ago if I would like to join them on a 3day hotel break to a Cornish hotel in March. They laughingly said we can hire wet suits as its right on the beach!!. Well there's no way obviously I could do that and so they suggested, very kindly that I bring mum too. And so, we are going. But I feel really selfish as I would love to get away with just them. Oh well, at least I'm going!!
It must be very difficult for you and your dad but you sound like you manage things very well, all things considered. Is hard to laugh sometimes tho isn't it.

Re: Hello..I've made it at last !!

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 5:25 am
by ladybird17
Well, you've had to compromise with your "mini-break" with the girls. You sound a like a sensible person, and I would think that taking your Mum is better than not going at all. And how lovely of your friends to make the suggestion that you take your Mum - now they ARE good friends! My best friend lives in Canada - she's been there over 35 years now - we've been friends since we were 11. For about the last 20 or so years I've gone over there at least once a year, sometimes three or four times a year. The year after my Mum died I took my Dad with me - my friend's Mum was a widow and my Mum & Dad used to socialise with her Mum & Dad before they all moved out there. We thought it would work well, but it didn't really. However, I'm glad my Dad got the opportunity to go and my friend & I do manage to have a laugh about that 2 weeks - although we roll our eyes at the same time! I won't be able to get over there this year as I now can't leave my Dad for that amount of time any more. Life throws a lot of curved balls at you doesn't it? You do your best, but you can't dodge all of them. I do get very down at times - I had so many plans for what I was going to do when the time came for me to retire - and had saved accordingly. Unfortunately, my savings all went in the first couple of years of becoming a carer - I had too much to claim Carer's Allowance so had to use savings to pay my mortgage and everything else, until I was down to almost nothing and then my claim kicked in. I've said this before on here, but I'm afraid I'm going to repeat it - by the time it gets to the stage when I may be able to realise all my plans, I'll be too old, too broke and too damned worn out to do any of them! But I can honestly say that having to go through the trials of caring for my Dad far, far outweighs the alternative. As much as he tries my patience at times, the thought of not having him here is far worse. So I just think "onwards and upwards", try not to complain (although I know I do!) and keep going. Your Mum sounds lovely - just the type of woman for my Dad!!!!

Re: Hello..I've made it at last !!

Posted: Wed Feb 27, 2013 3:31 pm
by Joannarose
Oh ladybird..wouldn't that be wonderful- I'm sure she'd love a new man!!!
I hope you'll be around later so i can reply properly.
I've been trying to get out for a walk thru the woods here (something I've promised myself to do daily) all day. Physio tells me it's an absolute must for my back problem so I'm going for an hours brisk walking each day!!!! ...hmmm we'll see how long this lasts!! Lol.
Catch up later!