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Hello from Kent - Carers UK Forum

Hello from Kent

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hello everyone.

I hope noone minds me having a massive moan, as I am getting no support from my family or my OH, all of whom expect me to give up my life to look after my Dad and have nothing back in return. If I ask, or get upset, I am just told it's all me, me, me and I should be thinking of him. Because of this I just spend most of my days really low and upset which is not like me at all.

I thought caring for a parent would be much easier than it is. I had no choice but to bring my dad to live with me & my OH 9 months ago, as the emotional pressure put on me to do this was unbearable and I caved in. None of the reat of the family give any support at all.

I have never been close to my Dad and find caring for him almost impossible. He treats me as though I am his cleaner, and expects me to do all his housework. I currently pay for carers to tidy his room, but they charge for a 1 hour visit, stay 30 minutes, and do nothing other than personal care. When I complained to social services, my Dad cleaned up his room for the first time to save the carer getting into trouble as he thinks it is my job to do everything for him. He then phoned his nurse to say I don't do anything for him.

I took him to the hospital a few weeks ago and told him to wait at the entrance whilst I went to get a wheel chair. Out of spite he went straight up the consultant, was very ill and out of breath when he got there, and told the staff I had just abandoned him at the entrance to go shopping.

I am totally stuck in the house, and as I live in the country don't even see anyone when out with the dog. If I do go out, he will fall over as he won't use his walking stick and I get back to the ambulance people being here. Therefore I can't see the point in going out.

My OH says if I get upset or annoyed with my Dad, it is verbal abuse and that I should be very proud and do my duty and look after him. No matter how nasty my Dad is to me, my OH cannot understand. This is horrible but in some ways I wish it was his Dad, so he could have his life ruined and see what it is like.

I would love my Dad to even go to a care centre 1/2 day a week to give me a break but he refuses. He just sits in the kicthen for 12 hours a day, looking depressed and hanging his head. This means I can't even have friends to the house for company.

I am getting to then end of how much I can cope with. I know others cope for years, but I would cope much better if he wasn't so horrible to me and my OH would understand how difficult it is. As i said if I complain or get upset, they say it's just all about me. me. me.

Sorry to moan, but today is especially bad as its' my birthday tomorrow and yet again I will be stuck in all day, instead of enjoying time off.
First of all, Roxy, happy birthday for tomorrow.

Secondly, nobody can tell you what is or isn't your duty. I can't advise you what to do because it's easy for me to say something but not for you to do it. But verbal abuse goes both ways. You have every right to be treated with respect. If you are providing care for someone, you have the right to be respected for it by all concerned.

It seems to me that your life is being controlled by the attitude of others, and you need to make your own decisions about how to deal with it. There are support agencies around that may be able to help, and counselling might be a good idea - Relate may be a good option for you and your OH, if he is willing. You can then find your own solutions: counselling is useful for that, and it sometimes helps to talk things through with someone who will not judge you but will help you to find your own solutions.
Happy Birthday Roxy.
You do need to talk this through with someone who will just listen, if only to get clear in your own mind what you need to do about this. You cannot go on this way. I had a similar problem with my mother in law, except that my husband finally realised what was happening when his siblings had a go at him. I do hope you find a solution as it is an impossible situation to be in.
Have a (((hug)))
Happy Birthday Roxy and welcome to the forum.. Image

As the others have said that you maybe you should try talking this through as it does sound that you have 2 relationships that are not understanding you and your situation. Counselling from someone who doesn't sit in judgement because they aren't directly involved does lighten the load.

I do hope that today you manage to have a good birthday.

Take care
Maryann x
Just like to add my welcome too and hope that you will take on board some of the advice given.

Many Happy Returns for today.

Happy birthday Roxy.

Just remember that you are great. Being a carer is such hard work and makes you feel so low. You are amazing for caring what happens to your Dad.

I am thinking of you

don't judge yourself by what others seem to do. You are you. Don't feel guilty about how you feel. Instead accept it as normal. You did not ask to be put in this position and are doing your best. You are allowed to feel frustrated and upset.

My husband is ill and I have spend time researching what it is 'normal' to feel. Everything you feel is normal and you are amazing. Remember that caring for someone and not walking away makes you amazing.
Hi Roxy

Welcome to the forum - belated birthday wishes, I hope you had a good day.

Caring for an elderly parent isn't easy - I've been doing it for 20 years now and it gets harder every day, Mum's 86 now and quite frail, we just take one day at a time.

Please take onboard the advice from other members, you need to take control of your situation and get all the help and support you can from other agencies for your sake and your extended family.

Keep us posted.

Paula xx