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Hello Everyone! - Carers UK Forum

Hello Everyone!

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Hi there, my name's Caroline and I am 43yrs old. Recently married to my partner of 17yrs. No children, but we have a small dog and a very old cat.

I have been caring full time for my Grandfather for about 5yrs, but only 6months ago did I find out could be paid for it.
Grandad is 99yrs old, 100yrs in just under 2 weeks time.

My parents are in their early 70s and have just started to provide occasional extra support. and my sisters do not visit or call or help out with my grandad. They just see him at family gatherings.

I am becomming increasingly depressed, lonely and lethargic. I no longer want to leave the house or do anything I used to enjoy doing. I now just sleep when I am not caring for him.
Grandad has me up the majority of the night with repeatedly needing the bathroom. He has started rebelling against my caring for him and wants more independance, which he is unable to achieve without making a huge mess for myself to clean up, and danger to himself.

My husband works long hours full time as a police detective, and is suffering a deep depression after the loss of his mother in tragic circumstances.

Oh the joys of caring haha I love my grandad very much and don't want to put him in a home. I am just very lost and struggling to cope.
You do NOT have to do any of this!
You have a choice, to care or not to care. The only power grandad has over you is the power you let him have. If he has 24 hour care needs then he NEEDS residential care! And you need your life back!!!
When did you and your husband last have a week's holiday?

It's time you booked one and told (not asked) the family that you will not be available to care for that week.
The solution is up to them.
Hi Caroline ...

Is there a reason why your parents have not been involved in your grandfather's care? I do appreciate that you say they are in their early 70s and they may feel it is too much (I'm "only" in my late 60s and could not possibly look after someone full-time to the level that you are for your grandfather!). However, if your parents are unable to take on the caring, then that doesn't mean that you have to take it all on your shoulders.

You say that grandfather has you up multiple times a night - this is often the "deal-breaker" when caring for someone. Going without a good night's sleep on a regular basis is just not sustainable in the long term.

Possibly time for a family conference on the way forwards?