I wanted to introduced myself as I have taken so much strength and advice by lurking on here for the past few weeks!
My Dad has had a progressive neurological condition for the past 15 years or so which causes has a heady mix of physical, mental, cognitive and communication symptoms. He is a very difficult man and my Mum has struggled on to care for him at home as he has got progressively worse through this time. They have both been very resistant to outside help, despite pretty much constant begging, arguing crying from myself and my sister for the past 5 years.
5 years ago Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, which has been successfully treated. She also gave up driving around this time. Since then she has also been having memory and sight problems. Increasingly forgetting arrangements, words etc. Again despite pleading with her, she refused to go to the GP.
So, which not actually caring for them on a day to day basis, they have been pretty much a constant worry to myself and my sister for the past 5 years. We have also been responsible for pretty much all medical appointments/crises. And we have basically been lurching from crisis to crisis during this time. I have two children under 7 and my sister runs her own business, so it has not been an easy juggling act. I gave up work after my son was born mainly as I just couldn't juggle work with 2 small children and Mum and Dad.
Things came to a head at Christmas, when it became apparent just how bad things had become with both of them, so I requested a social services assessment and was awaiting that when I got a call from my Mum telling me she had "lost" my Dad. She was then unable to describe to me what she meant by this. When I was eventually able to unravel what had happened, it turned out an ambulance had been called as he had some sort of panic attack in the night, but she was unable to tell me this as her own cognitive function was so bad. When I tracked him down to A&E there was nothing further wrong with him, but I refused to take him home as I didn't feel my Mum was able to care for him any longer.
This was over a month ago and he is now in an NHS rehab centre awaiting assessment. He is under constant 1:1 supervision as his behaviour is erratic and he is prone to falls. He is livid at this and feels he is "better off at home". Staff are amazed my Mum was coping alone and the ward sister plans to recommend he gets continued health care funding because of his high, complicated needs. When my sister explained to my Dad that Mum was no longer at home as we suspected she has dementia and could no longer care for him he described her as a "cow", which kind of sums up the sort of person he is!
I made Mum go to the Drs and she has failed her mini cognitive function test and was so bad she was fast tracked a referral to the memory clinic where they ascertained she has short term memory problems and she is awaiting a scan in order to get a diagnosis.
She is currently staying between my sister and myself whist she has her kitchen and bathroom made more accessible in the hope she will be able to live at home, perhaps with carers popping in at least for the time being. I plan to request an assessment for her once we have a diagnosis.
Things are pretty awful right now. I am juggling Mum, visits to Dad and 2 kids (my husband is supportive, but works a 2 hour commute away, so isn't around much). But I can see a plan forming and light at the end of the tunnel. This forum has helped me to see myself as a care planner. It has also helped me to stop seeing them as two grown ups who should be allowed to make their own decisions to seeing them as two extra children, and this has been a massive relief to me, mentally I can just get on with what needs to be done to make sure they are safe without the rest of us being crushed in the process. So thank you!
My Dad has had a progressive neurological condition for the past 15 years or so which causes has a heady mix of physical, mental, cognitive and communication symptoms. He is a very difficult man and my Mum has struggled on to care for him at home as he has got progressively worse through this time. They have both been very resistant to outside help, despite pretty much constant begging, arguing crying from myself and my sister for the past 5 years.
5 years ago Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer, which has been successfully treated. She also gave up driving around this time. Since then she has also been having memory and sight problems. Increasingly forgetting arrangements, words etc. Again despite pleading with her, she refused to go to the GP.
So, which not actually caring for them on a day to day basis, they have been pretty much a constant worry to myself and my sister for the past 5 years. We have also been responsible for pretty much all medical appointments/crises. And we have basically been lurching from crisis to crisis during this time. I have two children under 7 and my sister runs her own business, so it has not been an easy juggling act. I gave up work after my son was born mainly as I just couldn't juggle work with 2 small children and Mum and Dad.
Things came to a head at Christmas, when it became apparent just how bad things had become with both of them, so I requested a social services assessment and was awaiting that when I got a call from my Mum telling me she had "lost" my Dad. She was then unable to describe to me what she meant by this. When I was eventually able to unravel what had happened, it turned out an ambulance had been called as he had some sort of panic attack in the night, but she was unable to tell me this as her own cognitive function was so bad. When I tracked him down to A&E there was nothing further wrong with him, but I refused to take him home as I didn't feel my Mum was able to care for him any longer.
This was over a month ago and he is now in an NHS rehab centre awaiting assessment. He is under constant 1:1 supervision as his behaviour is erratic and he is prone to falls. He is livid at this and feels he is "better off at home". Staff are amazed my Mum was coping alone and the ward sister plans to recommend he gets continued health care funding because of his high, complicated needs. When my sister explained to my Dad that Mum was no longer at home as we suspected she has dementia and could no longer care for him he described her as a "cow", which kind of sums up the sort of person he is!
I made Mum go to the Drs and she has failed her mini cognitive function test and was so bad she was fast tracked a referral to the memory clinic where they ascertained she has short term memory problems and she is awaiting a scan in order to get a diagnosis.
She is currently staying between my sister and myself whist she has her kitchen and bathroom made more accessible in the hope she will be able to live at home, perhaps with carers popping in at least for the time being. I plan to request an assessment for her once we have a diagnosis.
Things are pretty awful right now. I am juggling Mum, visits to Dad and 2 kids (my husband is supportive, but works a 2 hour commute away, so isn't around much). But I can see a plan forming and light at the end of the tunnel. This forum has helped me to see myself as a care planner. It has also helped me to stop seeing them as two grown ups who should be allowed to make their own decisions to seeing them as two extra children, and this has been a massive relief to me, mentally I can just get on with what needs to be done to make sure they are safe without the rest of us being crushed in the process. So thank you!