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Carers UK Forum • Hello
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Hello

Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2016 1:48 pm
by Nick_16061
Hi
just joined.
Caring for 92 YO mum.
Wifes just left me.
On antidepressants.
Not having a good day !

Re: Hello

Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2016 2:23 pm
by MumWhoCares
That is a lot to be coping with, Nick, I'm not suprised today doesn't feel like a good day!

Welcome to the forum. There are lots of people here in all sorts of situations. Feel free to chat, grumble, get things off your chest or tell really bad jokes, whatever takes your fancy :)

Re: Hello

Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2016 2:42 pm
by jenny lucas
Hi - yes, I can definitely see why you're on ADs! Either one of your 'problems' would have triggered it!

May I, though, ask the question that has to be asked, 'brutal' though it sounds - has your wife's departure got anything to do with you looking after your mum?

I say this, brutal as it sounds (and it may of course be TOTALLY unconnected!) (and you may, of course, be overjoyed to have your mum to look after)(I'm not being sarcastic - the bond can be so strong, that caring becomes a joy, whatever the difficulties and challenges).......because I've 'inherited' the care of my mother-in-law, after my husband died. To me, it's a pretty grim 'exchange' - I not only lose my husband, but I get to look after his mother with dementia. Well, thanks a bunch!

I'm very sorry for her, I pity her deeply, I 'do my duty' by her (she's in a home - I did try to look after her myself, but was driven to a nervous breakdown at the total and complete and irreversible loss of my own life as I dedicated myself 24x7 to her needs and entertainment)....and I am fond of her (and I shall certainly cry when she dies)(I don't want her 'dead' I want her well....but she can't be, ever again), and I don't want her to suffer unnecessarily (any more than dementia imposes)(and being in a care home)(when she'd rather be with me)....BUT it IS a 'duty'. There are no heartstrings. I am, basically waiting for her to leave this world (she's nearly 92 - and she could go on for years and years, she's very physically robust).

I say all this to show that IF IF IF your wife 'threw in the towel' so to speak when you took on your mother's care, that when there are no 'heartstrings' the stress of caring can be too great to bear (it can be too great to bear when there ARE heartstrings!).

As I say, I may have jumped to entirely and totally the wrong conclusions, but if your mum's care IS a factor in the breakup of your marriage, then, I guess, my own 'side' would be that of your wife (without, of course, knowing any more about it.....so, again, may be totally wrong.)

Many folk here, alas, have had to 'choose' between their marriage or their parents......and whilst it is very, very hard to reject parents, nevertheless, they are 'the past' whilst partners are 'the present' ....and our children are 'the future'....so that takes precedence.

Wishing you well, at a very very difficult time for you - Jenny

Re: Hello

Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 9:03 am
by Nick_16061
There were family problems coming from my wife`s family overseas.
She choose to go back to her home country and leave me.
The antidepressants are to to do with the loss of my wife
I suspect my wife feels a fair bit of pain for what she has done to
my mother.

I am typing this as I wait for the short term emergency social services carer to arrive to
help her wash etc.
At least we`ve got her `in the system` now.

Re: Hello

Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 9:10 am
by bowlingbun
Hi Nick, good to hear that Social Services are stepping in. This is the time to ask them for a full Needs Assessment for mum and a Carers Assessment for you. Can I ask if you are still employed, or a full time carer.
This is going to be a time for making tough decisions about the future for you and mum. I supported four elderly disabled parents, all now gone, and there are lots of us here who have been caring for an elderly parent. If there are any practicalities you are struggling with, just say. Someone else will have met the same problem before. Is mum mentally OK?

Re: Hello

Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 11:42 am
by Nick_16061
Hi BB
Thanks for responding.
My mother mentally good.
She has had an assessment (my brother dealing with this to
relieve me of some of the pressure) and we are told that that
there is money in the budget for care but East Sussex CC social
services can`t find a carer. They are dreadfully slow at contacting
us!
I work full time.
I have not had a carers assessment.
I have just taken 9 days of my annual holiday to be with her
and to be honest my mental state is not exactly full of the joys of spring ;)
Her blood pressure went from high to very low. Caused extreme fatigue etc.

Re: Hello

Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 4:07 pm
by bowlingbun
Social Services are supposed to support carers who want to work, you should not have had to use annual leave to care for mum. Contact their Complaints Department at the LA Head Office, not the local one. Usually, this has the desired effect.

Re: Hello

Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 5:47 pm
by christina 17
Also check to see if the company you work for allows for 'dependant's leave' It is usually 'leave' for up to 5 days a year, but to be used in an emergency when there is no one to care for your independent relative (or friend)

Re: Hello

Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 7:07 am
by Nick_16061
I work for a small company so no extra leave.
LA.....Local Authority?

Re: Hello

Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2016 7:19 am
by bowlingbun
Nick, you have protection under the Equality Act, as you are "disabled by association" and they have a duty to make "reasonable adjustments" for you. Failure to comply could be seen as constructive dismissal. Ring ACAS and the Carers UK helpline for more details. Google "Coleman v Attridge Law" for more information.