hello

[janet murray]

My name is Jan and I am an only child with an 89 yr old mother in care. I have no brothers or sisters so the problems can get me down a bit. I am pleased to have found this forum to hear from people in similar situations. It helps knowing that an understand what you're going through. I had immediate response to my first post. Thank you.

[bowlingbun]

Hi Jan, my mum is in a nursing home too. What sort of problems do you have? I went to see mum only a few hours after a long flight, nevertheless, she had a list of things she wanted me to do!

[phoebe]

Hi Jan,
and welcome
love Phoebe xx

[jenny lucas]

Hi - I'm in a similar situation. The only person around for my 89 yo MIL (her surviving son is in the USA, so whilst appreciative of what I'm doing, can't give any practical help).

What I've learnt, painfully, is that to have any life at all, you have to be a bit ruthless. Thankfully (for me!) my MIL has recently moved into a supported living place, which she is not keen on, but she doesn't want (or can't) do her own food any more, so independent living isn't really on any more. I'd have to sort out and oversee etc etc daily carers, which is very restricting for me. The 'deal' I've done is that she can come to me over the weekend, and for tea during the week. But she is not thrilled about it, I know!

But when there is absolutely no one else to 'share' an elderly person's care with, then you either give up your own life entirely, or you 'ruthlessly' get a paid professional to do it.

It sounds like you have your mum not with you, which is good (for you)(and hopefully for her!).

But the 'worry' is always there, and even when they are not with you, you remain the 'backstop' and the person on call, while they are still alive. And the caree does tend to 'rely' on you, and expect you to sort everythign out for them in their life (I'm currently selling, and clearing, my MIL's old flat - no one else to do it.) (BUT, even a quick read of other people's posts here about their incredibly difficult and often heartbreaking situations makes me realise that so, so many carers and carees have it far, far worse - so I am VERY grateful for the 'mildness' of my situation and my MIL's!)

I hope you find this forum helpful - it was fantastic for me when I first got 'landed' with my MIL announcing she didn't want to live on her own any more, and I turned into a carer overnight. This site was a godsend and I'm so appreciative of all the advice I've had here.

[SheWolf]

Hi Jan,

Welcome to the forum, it's a great place to share your experience of caring and glean advice from other carers.

My father is 84 and lives in a care home. He has dementia and mobility problems, and is also an alcoholic, so was really in quite a state before he moved into the home. Luckily the staff are kind and he has a lovely room, plus he's able to have his favourite beer so life is tolerable for him. He gets bored sometimes and misses his old life (when he remembers it) but he's doing OK, all things considered.

Jenny - great news about your MIL. More details please!