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He won't face up to what's happening - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

He won't face up to what's happening

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I had to laugh at "it's for old people". I have two family members who have said that - my Dad, who was in his late 70s at the time, talking about a day service, and my youngest son who was 18 at the time looking at a day service that he'd been offered. He was not impressed at all.

What you're describing is difficult to unpick. There are elements that make capacity questionable - in that he will not even consider alternatives when they are presented, or the facts of a situation - and yet other things (raw sausages) seem also to be a matter of either choice or a lack of cooking skill (put everything in the pan at the same time and when one's ready they all are). Either way, the sausage thing is dodgy! The problem with assessing capacity is that it's not about the quality of the decision so much as the quality of the process of decision making. If your FIL can show that he's going through the stages of the decision making process, then he has capacity. My only question is: is that actually what's happening here?

The margarine issue could be stubbornness or a memory issue: if he leaves it in one place, no matter what, he can find it?
He may have forgotten about cooking times for sausages as an example and be covering for that when challenged?

It might he worth looking at everything he does and applying questions to them: would memory issues and an unwillingness to admit to those issues explain this behaviour? If so, it may be worth getting him assessed.
Good luck
Hi everyone

Not sure what has happened but we appear to have been at least partly hacked as there are unsuitable posts on here blocking up the forum. I'm posting here to bring this topic higher up the forum so that the rubbish can be ignored until the techs get to it.

Sorry about this.
I read this in detail and just wanted to add my sympathy for your situation.
I too care for a very stubborn in law who everyone says we should be “proud of” because of her age (95) and the fact she still lives in her own home.
Like you, her life goes on at the expense of ours , I think.
We do most things alongside a gardener and cleaner, and at various medical appointments she tells doctors how well she manages !!!
Of course, they don’t bother to include us in any discussions and just take her word for it.
Please don’t feel guilty for feeling angry or as though you should be happier about caring, it drains you, and for me, I wake up with a feeling of dread about what the day will bring.
I too wish there was more honesty about the plight of carers, the cantankerousness of many older people and the impact it has on everyone- obviously I exclude this forum, although I do find myself thinking twice before I post something.
I can’t offer any gems of knowledge as I’m in the same situation, but I can offer emotional solidarity!