have i made a wrong decision

[Guest]

hi im 32 years old and have recently started looking after my friends dad (who is disabled) who i have known for 20 odd years who i have been very close with he was living in london and was not being cared for very well by his daughter or his home helps so when his sister died from a stoke and i went to see him i couldnt belive the state he was living in so decided to ask if he would like to come and stay with me in clacton on sea for a while so i could look after him after his loss, this ending up being a perment thing where he gave up his tenancy in london and i moved so we could get a bigger place where we could live together with me my partner and our 2 young children and i could look after him aswell as give him company which he really did lack in london it has been fine for a while i had loads of help from social service and got lots of equitment to make my job easyer but now after 8 months im finding him being more demarnding of my own personal time i cant leave the house without feeling quilty that im not taking him with me even just to drop my kids off at school or do a little shoppping i would take him everywhere with me but it takes time to get him dressed and washed and in to his wheelchair and then in to the car so little jobs i have to do out seems pointless in taking him which i know is annoying him i also cant spend time on my own in my room with my partner without him calling me for something i know this sound so selfish on my behalf by i didnt sign up for all hes demanding which i have tryed to explain to him many times im not a out going person really i have my routine and always have he just makes me feel so guilty that HE made the wrong decion in moving but all i see is how i got him away from a hellish life am i so wrong in feeling this way and has anyone got any advise on what i can do about it

[no1mum]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I don't think you're being selfish. It's very easy to start out doing what you think to be the right thing for demands to become more and more. My advice would be to look at care homes. You have young children who have to be your priority.

Karen

[BertieBear]

Firstly, welcome to the forum.
It sounds to me like you've made the right decisions by getting support from social services and I don't think there's any reason for you to feel guilty, even though so many of us feel it at times. Also I think that, even if he can't see it, he's probably a lot better off with your support than if he'd been left on his own. I agree that a care home sounds like a sensible option from the outside, though you'll know your situation best and know if this is the right thing to do, even if it may be hard.
But while you're here... It's important to get the practical support, but it's also very important to get emotional support and there's no substitute for speaking to others in the same situation, so stick around and have a look on the forum, even if you don't feel like posting yourself. It may be of help.

[worriedjohn]

hello and welcome

[Sparklingtechie]

Hello

Welcome to the forum.

First, I think what you have done for this make is marvalous. He simply needs more care than you can physically or mentally give him. Do not feel guilty, out of the many people that he came into contact with including his own family you went one better, yo went that extra mile. There is no need for guilt, sainthood yes gulit no. I too think it sounds like he would be better placed in a home where they can provide 24 hours care, something it sounds he needs. Until they find him a place a thing to do wuold be to prioitse his/your needs. what I mean by this is, if htere is a problem that cannot be solved until tomorrow, then worry about it tomorrow, only worry about the problem for the day your in. I realise that sounds easier said than done, but it's saved my sanity on more than one occasion. I wish you the best, please let us know how it all goes and keep in touch here for support.

techie

[SezzieC]

Hi Georgina,

Welcome to the Forum

Looking forward to getting to know you.

Sezzie.

[Melly1]

Hi Georgina - to have taken him on, moved house etc etc proves you are not a selfish person. What is making it harder is that the demands have increased. You are trying to juggle being a Mum and a carer and have relationship with your partner. Does your caree go out at all - luncheon club/day centre/bingo etc etc It sounds like he needs more activities so that he less time and need to be attached to your apron strings.

Welcome to the forum, I'm new too and have found lots of emotional support on here.

Melly1