Guilt

[Sue_2003]

Hi. I really don’t have it as bad as some but the guilt is driving me mad. It is not physically or financially but emotionally. I am an only child. Divorced. My son works away and my daughter lives 50 miles away with a non verbal child. I care for my 92 year old mum. Her mobility is curtailed. If I try to do anything that doesn’t include her I am landed with depression and sulks. I find I am not doing anything myself as I simply cannot take the moaning. I gave up work with stress and thought I would now be able to live my own life. I have to admit that I resent my current life. Everything I suggest to make life easier is rejected out of hand. She refuses a hearing aid, won’t contemplate visiting a day centre and absolutely no walking aids. Won’t use a stick but in reality needs a wheelchair. Frustrating to say the least. I need to switch off.

[sunnydisposition]

You will not be able to switch off. Unless you reduce what you do. Or hand everything over to others.
Are you connected to any carers groups in your area.
Have you ever spoken to AGE UK.
it's your mother's choice to what she wishes to except. However, it is your choice what you do. If you feel unable to continue as your own health is effected. Your mother will have to except outside help.

[thara_1910]

Hello and welcome to the forums!

Have you had a needs assessment or not?

[bowlingbun]

Mum is the one who should be feeling guilty, not you!
You are simply not appreciating your efforts enough, at all.
You must decide what you will do, and what someone else can do.
In reality she just need anyone to help her. Yes she wants you but really she cannot tell you what to do. It's time you made a stand with your elderly toddler!

[Sue_2003]

Thank you for the replies. It took me quite some time to summon up courage to actually put down my resentment in writing. Things for me to think about. Thank you all for the support

[bowlingbun]

Sue, on the verge of a breakdown, I had counselling. Too many people wanted a piece of me, there was nothing left for me! The counselling was life changing.
Maybe you would benefit too?

[Sally_17031]

Hi Sue

I used to feel like this. Someone here told me to replace the word guilt for sad. You are sad that Mum is elderly and less able than she was, but you are not guilty because it is not you who caused it, it is just the price your Mum has paid for living into a very old age. Not something you should feel guilty about.

You are sad that Mum rejects other help and ideas to improve her life, but you are not guilty because it is not your fault. You are not responsible for her happiness Everyone is responsible for their own. Accepting that NOTHING I could do would make my Mum and Dad well and happy was a big turning point. I could race over there every time they were sad. Every time there was a crisis and it didn't make things any better for them. What changed was I decided that being there all the time was making me really miserable and I stepped back. I decided what I COULD do and still keep sane, the rest had to fall to someone else.

You are 100% entitled to your own life, without guilt. Your Mum has had a long life, the consequence should be gratitude for this, not resenting you living yours.

To an extent you need to grow a rhino hide and just let the comments bounce off. Get more help in if you need to, regardless of whether this is what she wants. it is what NEEDS to happen for you to have a better quality of life. We can absolutely help you with this.

The forum really changed my outlook. Things are MUCH better now. Dad died a year ago, but Mum is still living at home with help. Our relationship is much better, as to be honest I had reached a point of more or less hatred of her because I was so miserable.

Well done for posting. It is not easy, but most people here will totally recognise what you are saying.

[Dusty]

Oh, welcome to the club. Everyone else has said it better than I can. I can only add that the best solution with my aged parent was to be very brisk and also clear about what would happen when. For example, I am going now and will come back to make your tea/take you to the doctor/bring the shopping. Then keep repeating it, without getting drawn in by any arguments. Easier if you don’t live together, but if you do you need to have a real plan and stick to it, no matter how hard. My mother used to complain that she could not cut the grass, so I did it. Then she complained that she had not been able to talk to me and was lonely. It took months of pointing out I could only be in one place at once but in the end she paid a gardener. Then I had to sit and listen to her moan, but I took the view that was my job for those however many hours and was strict with myself about leaving or doing something else at the end of it. Especially if you do live together and you cannot escape her, you might even say, with truth, that if you don’t walk for an hour every day/have rest/have a holiday you will be ill and then she’ll have to have carers.