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Grandaughter - Carers UK Forum


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Hi I'm just enquiring do any of you care for disabled children
Hi Image
Im new on here dont really now what to do. I have a grandaughter who is disabled and my daughter has really been a fantastic mum but since the beginning of this year my daughter has become as she says sad. My Grandaughter who is now eight is a beautiful princess to our family but i am concerned about my daughter she is crying all the time saying she is not depressed but just sad. She feels like she is missing out on being a mum. where she has always been the strong one and I have always been the one crying its like now my daughter realises that her daughter is disabled. I have taken her to her gp he says she is not depressed but I am so worried about her I dont know what to do. She works full time and we all help her with our princess, she now lives just the two of them and I know it is hard for her but she is so independant she wont readily accept help is there any one who has been through the same thing and got any advice they can give me. I have told her we can look for a support group where she and I can go and she could chat to other parents who have been in the same situation . I look forward to any advice any one of you can give me. We live in Wales
welcome really does sound like depression
Having a disabled child is really tough. The differences become more and more apparent as the children get older, especially when dealing with education. Your daughter is probably grieving in a way for all the hopes and dreams she had which will never be. I became so "down" that when I went to a special needs playgroup and they called me the wrong Christian name, I couldn't even be bothered to correct them, that went on for two years. I was very, very lost for a while. In my case I had a wonderful life before my kids were born, it seemed too good to last, and it was. I think your daughter might benefit for some very gentle counselling, to help her work through her feelings at the moment. Sadly I never had any, it wasn't offered in those days. Finally, I had to accept that I had a new life, like it or not, but it was very tough. Eventually the old bouncy me returned, in fact I went on to study for a degree as a mature student some years later. I live in a rural area and many of the mums of special needs children felt isolated, and services were patchy, so we founded a mum's group and organised our own outings, summer schemes etc. Some of us are still friends over 25 years later. Obviously, everyone is different, but I hope that your daughter feels better soon.
I've just replied to your other post, but reading this one, realised that I hadn't said that there is lots of help for disabled children, but finding it can be a bit tough at times. My son was entitled to the Disability Living Allowance and also received help from the Family Fund for holidays etc. So much depends on personal circumstances. Might I suggest that you contact the Carers UK helpline to start with?
Just remembered. There's an organisation called "Contact a family" for parents with special needs children. Might be worth a look.
hi and welcome. I've merged your posts so the replies will be easier to follow.
Hi and thank you all very much for your comments. I had a chat with my daughter this weekend I have even been doing more research on the net with an Organisation called Swan and printed lots of things to try and help my daughter but as usual she says she does'nt need help.
I know she has really been a brilliant mum and always so strong caring for our princess but she is also so stubborn and independant she just wont accept help. She tells me it is just a blip and she will get over it and she probably will it's just so upsetting for me to see her when she is upset herself I just feel I cant do or say anything to make her feel better. Even when I offer to have our princess to sleep over to give her a break she tells me what for I'm here there is no need. I tell her then its to have some chill time for herself but still she won't. she takes our princess out everywhere she goes and sometimes it can be a struggle I say leave her with me but the answer is always no love her. Our princess has only just started walking at the age of eight, she cannot talk or do anything for herself and I know it is going to get harder for my daughter. I keep telling to finish work but she won't because she will not go on benefit as she has her own house and would not be abe to keep the house if she finished work well I dont know what else to say so I will leave you all know but thank you for your comments I will keep you all posted. Once again thank you
I appreciate how difficult this is for all concerned. One day your daughter may become ill, so it's really important that your grand daughter is away from home at times,to get her used to being in different places. Are the school aware of your daughter's depression? It might be worth having a quiet word with the teacher, in confidence, sharing your concerns. Hopefully she will be able to help, it won't be the first time she's met the problem. Well done for being such a lovely grandmother.
Hello and welcome Image

I would echo most of what has been said already but have a different view on what you need to do. Hard though it may be (and I am a grandparent of a disabled child too), you need to stand back and let your daughter be the judge of whether she wants outside help or not.
She is sad and as has already been said, she is grieving for the life that she knows she cannot have, that of a mother watching her child grow up to do the "normal" things in life. It is normal for her to be sad and although it upsets you to see it, offer her a shoulder to cry on if she needs it and then let her be. It is a growth process, something we all go through and it changes as our children change, there will be many extremely happy moments to come too. Image

With the greatest respect to Bowlingbun, I would certainly not go behind your daughter's back and talk to others about her situation, however well meaning the intention. It would be the most awful breach of trust and if that had happened to me, I think I would have found it hard to forgive. There is a difference between sadness and depression and to give someone a label without their knowledge or consent is totally wrong.

Your daughter knows you love her and that is the most important thing. Respect her wishes, let her deal with things her own way and you won't go far wrong..she knows she can come to you if she needs you. Image