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Grandad wants to live with us - Page 3 - Carers UK Forum

Grandad wants to live with us

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
And making sure all his bank details, cards etc are with him/you and not left accessible to Uncle...
Uncle rang grandad tonight on my mobile, basically spent the whole time emotionally blackmailing grandad. Told him he'd spent 9 years of his life looking after him & this is how he repays him, told him extended family would no longer visit, he's not going to Wales he's going to wait at grandads until he's home, he's not eating, etc. He's not money orientated at all apparently, yet he kept bringing up money, saying no-one will employ him after not working & looking after him instead. He's never wanted to work, has said numerous times he can live off his army pension, plus he literally cooked 1 meal it's not like he spent hours with grandad.
Grandad got quite upset & told him this, yet he still carried on.
And this is all whilst he thinks grandads staying here temporarily whilst he recovers, it's only going to get worse!
He wants grandad to call him tomorrow, I am going to record the call, as what he was saying today was awful.

On a plus grandad is very happy here, said it feels like home.
Keira,
Uncle sounds a piece of work.

Glad Grandad is happy.

Have you changed the locks and got Grandad's bank books, documents etc at your house?

Melly1
Melly, no I haven't, mum has said to leave it for now. She doesn't want to rock the boat anymore until things settle down, could be quite a while.
I have installed internet banking on my mobile so I can keep track of grandads account & see if any money is removed.
Hi Keira,
Good move, checking the bank accounts, but not good enough. How would Uncle be able to take out money? Cards? Granddad should cancel them and order new ones to be sent to your address. Ditto cheque books. Too late when it’s gone. Also talk to his bank and tell them of the possibility of theft from his account,
Mum MAY be wary of her brother or just too out of touch with the situation. You may have to overrule her,
If Uncle has really been doing no more than cook a meal, why is he so desperate to have granddad with him?
If you are convinced that Uncle is ‘up to no good’, then you must do everything to protect Granddad but do not open yourself to accusations of ulterior motives. What if you could be seen as persuading Granddad to live with you for your own benefit?
Look at it like this, if Uncle had written on this forum. He could have said
I am an Army Veteran who has spent the last 9 years caring for my elderly father, and not working because of my caring role. Recently I have arranged for us both to move to be near his daughter, my sister. My father didn’t like the idea of moving out of his house but my sister also needs my support and I couldn’t leave him behind. At the point of moving my father suddenly and unexpectedly went to live with his granddaughter. I want to continue living with and caring for my father and am upset and concerned about his mental health, his well being and the motives behind this ‘out of the blue’ decision.
If anyone read that they would think ‘oh goodness the granddaughter is after something.

See how telling it another way can make the whole thing sound different? Recording calls sounds like a very good ides;.


Getting helpful advice is essential, Please contact Citizen’s Advice or/and Age Uk, Get their ‘take’ on the situation. Maybe Uncle is all bluster and bullying . Maybe not.
Grandad should perhaps make it clear to someone ‘independent and official, what his wishes are .Someone who could testify as to those wishes. Solicitor?

Think ahead and take care,
Elaine I'm very aware of how easily that could happen. Which is exactly why I don't want to cancel cards, change locks, etc.
My uncle has rung various family members, that have seen grandad recently, they have then contacted my mum & said it's up to grandad where he wants to live.
I can imagine that my uncle is very upset & hurt but he is handling the situation very badly. It is not about him or me, it's about grandad & what he wants!
Grandad doesn't help the situation though that I do know! He isn't being honest with uncle & saying he asked to live here, he just said I'm looking after him 24/7 until he's better!
My grandad did tell both my brother's & mum separately that he wanted to live with me, when given 4 options (me, mum, uncle or home with carers) but obviously they are all my immediate family which doesn't help.
I also asked grandad what made him change his mind as he was so adamant he wanted to stay in his own home, he said carers will only visit in the day & he'd be alone at night, which he doesn't like. He used to barricade the door at night.
Something I haven't previously mentioned, grandad had a fall a few days before coming to mine, he was on the floor most of the night, he said when uncle found him he refused to help him up at 1st. He left him there whilst saying you want to live on your own so get yourself up, or wait for x,y,z to visit eventually maybe they'll help you up.
I think this was the final straw for grandad
Hello Keira. I am sorry to hear about these dreadful happenings.

So Uncle was in the Army, eh? That says a lot about him.

For many years he was in a situation where strict control of manpower is vital, where rank and authority are clearly defined, where what is said goes, where combat training develops a ruthless psyche, bordering on brutal.

Many ex-Forces personnel move on to good, responsible jobs in Civvy St. They blend into their new way of life. They are looked upon favourably by prospective employers because of the discipline and loyalty instilled into them. Hence if he tells your grandad he gave up a career to care for him, that is baloney and, as you say, emotional blackmail. What rank did he reach in the Army, incidentally?

If he chooses to live on his pension, that is his choice by right. But in retirement his life has lost the structure it had in the Army. It lacks the managerial structure within which he would have taken his place within a company. There is no clear rank and authority in family life. But he still has ruthlessness to fall back upon as he tries to control you all in his clumsy, damaging way .

Meanwhile poor grandad must be going through a terrible time. That fall will have shattered his confidence about living alone. If that is not bad enough, the ill treatment from his son as a result, using the incident to bully him into coming to live with him, is something that nobody should have to put up with. To me it beggars belief that a man can treat his father so badly. This is a major turning point in this story. Not surprisingly, grandad is now fearful of the future, but one option he certainly does not want is to spend the rest of his life at the mercy of his tyrannical son.

Organisations like Citizens' Advice and Social Services can offer good advice and services. But they have no power over your uncle and he will have no respect for them. He will continue to rain down abuse on you until you give up and he gets his way.

Nothing less than the strong arm of the law is going to restrain your uncle. You need to see a solicitor now, preferably one experienced in family matters. It sounds as though you already have plenty of evidence in the form of abusive text messages.

Once you have got uncle off your back you can start to consider Grandad's future in a clearer light. It may be possible for him to return to his own house. Services such as regular visits from carers, Meals on Wheels and an emergency alarm are all worthy of consideration.
Hi everyone,
I've not been back for a little while, everything's going well with grandad but we're still getting trouble from my uncle.
He still rings grandad occasionally, sometimes the calls are pleasant, other times he's shouting at him. He called yesterday & went on so much that my grandad said to him "I wish I'd hurry up & die" that's how much he's getting to him, it's heart breaking hearing him speak like that.
Tonight he has rang my brother & during the call he has said he is going to stab my husband in the head!! This is the 2nd time he's threatened my husband now, but as it's been said over the phone we have no proof but my brother has no reason to lie to me, I have asked my brother to record all future calls. I messaged my uncle & he played dumb, said he didn't say that, said don't contact him again & that he will be down soon to see grandad. I do not want him in my house after these threats!! After I messaged him he then rang my grandads phone (we've had a landline installed for him) speaking in a robotic voice, making absolutely no sense, we ended up disconnecting the phone.
Is this something the police would get involved with if I called them, I'd imagine there's not much they can do at the moment as we've no physical proof.
Doubt I'll be getting any sleep tonight, he is clearly unstable!
This is all very worrying. He has no right to enter your house.
Make sure you have a chain on the front door so he can't force entry, and keep it locked.
Definitely speak to the police about how you can protect yourselves.