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Grandad wants to live with us - Carers UK Forum

Grandad wants to live with us

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Hi,
Bit of back story......
My grandad currently lives in his own house alone, my uncle lives a few houses down & is 'supposed' to be my grandads carer. He cooks my grandads evening meal, other then that he does nothing, he doesn't take him to routine appointments, doesn't remind him to take his medication, doesn't clean up behind himself let alone my grandad. Next week my uncle is moving to Wales (3.5 hours away) & wants to take my grandad with him, my grandad is adamant he doesn't want to go, it has caused numerous arguments & stress for my grandad, causing him to be hospitalised previously. It has also caused arguments between myself & my uncle as apparently i should be encouraging him to go, but how can I when he doesn't take care of his basic needs! My uncle also lives in a messy house, clutter everywhere, it just wouldn't be safe & I can't see that changing just because he's relocating. A few times I've visited & found that my uncle has dumped things in grandads house, recently a broken bike that he'd found & thought it was ok to put in grandads bedroom!
I have asked my grandad a few times over the past few weeks what he wants to do, he ideally wants to stay in his own home but if he can't he wants to live with me & my family, which we are all happy to do.
Can my uncle force him to go?
My grandad is 93 but still has his wits about him, he gets around with a walking stick ok (just slowly), he toilets by himself etc. He also has the option to live with my mum but again it's in Wales & he doesn't want to relocate that far, plus I really don't think my mum would cope, she runs a small holding & struggles to look after all the animals as it is.
Sorry for the long post, just need to speak to someone other then family.
DO NOT MOVE GRANDAD IN WITH YOU!

Let uncle move and then sort out care for grandad in his OWN home.
Please read the messages in 'I'm thinking of walking away'
Please.

Think very carefully.

It's massively different, visiting a relative you love to them living with you even if they're comparatively well

I can't begin to explain how hard it can be.

Please feel free to message me, and please please don't rush into having your grandad live with you because you may well live to bitterly regret it for a long time.
My uncle would not leave him, he would force him to go!!
Can I not have him stay with me for a few days until my uncle has gone, then get the ball rolling with carers?
Obviously when I then ring social services (is that who I'd call?) I'd say he lives home alone.

My grandad wants to be in his own home but my mum & uncle are basically saying he's not allowed, he wouldn't cope, etc, even though as I said previously he is pretty much self sufficient. I feel like I'm the only one fighting his case & that if he wants to stay in his own house he should be allowed to!!

I am a carer already for my disabled stepson, have been for the last 18 years & probably always will be, so I know what a big commitment this will be.
Also would he even be entitled to any care help?
As I said he is very self sufficient, he makes himself drinks, breakfast, lunch (usually soup in the microwave).
Keira,
your Mum and Uncle cant force your Grandad to move. He is an adult in his own right and as you say he has his wits about him. Does he own his own home and/or pay his own rent? Then I can't see how they can force him to move. It might cause upset him refusing to move Wales, but they can always visit him and he could always travel down to see them by coach or whatever.

How far away from do you live from Grandad? What support do you give him now and how often?

I do agree re not moving Grandad in with you. He has said he wants to stay in his own home and I would respect that. Pottering around his own house means he keeps his current level of independence for as long as possible. Does he claim Attendance Allowance? He can use this to pay for support e.g. a cleaner or gardener etc

Melly1
Why do your mum and uncle say that grandad is not allowed to stay in his own house???
Does he rent it, or does he own it?
Are they really after his money?!?!

No one has any right to force a relative out of his/hger own home.
Bowlingbun - I think my uncle is 100% after his money, he currently helps himself to his money, I've seen his bank statements. Grandads also pays for all the shopping & petrol too!!
My mum I think, is just guilt that she's not there.

I've had a good chat with grandad today, given him all his options including being in his own home with carers. He has said he wants to live with me!
Melly1 - he owns his house
I currently visit 1-2 times every week & stay for 5 hours, usually spend most of the time cleaning the house, changing bedding, doing the mountain of washing up. Then sitting with him having a chat, tea, etc, occasionally we'll go out.
He gets attendance allowance
Hi Keira
Having Granddad live with you is a very big life change. I’m not saying anything bad about granddad or suggesting you are not capable of looking after him BUT however independent he is now, it is inevitable that he will deteriorate so that he needs full time nursing care. That scenario would surely be very hard on you and your family. I took on my Mum’s care when she was 90. I thought, ‘how long can it be before she dies? I will manage.’
She was 100 (bar 11 days) when she passed away.
You haven’t been very complimentary about the uncle. I wonder if he is claiming attendance allowance? Does anyone have POA? If not then that’s something urgent you could get in place to be appointed as his ‘attorney’ which means you have control of his health and finances. If Uncle is already Granddad’s attorney it can be changed while granddad has capacity and if he is abusing the position, using Granddad’s money for his own, then it’s fraud. You can report him.

If uncle is granddad’s ‘official’ carer he should be providing at least 5 hours of care every day. He should be doing the jobs you are doing. Was one of those options you gave Granddad to move in with you? He must be scared of the future, frightened of moving away from the person he trusts –you- and wary of ‘strangers’ (carers) coming into his home. However it might not be the best choice for you.
You are very admirable in wanting to protect him. You must seek help and advice. Please contact Age UK and Citizen’s Advice. Tell them that this vulnerable adult (use that phrase) is being bullied, and perhaps robbed? If Uncle is claiming money or taking money then he is a thief and should be reported. Contact Social Services too. Granddad is probably entitled to their help. He needs to have a Needs Assessment to find out how much help he will be offered.
If you think having granddad to stay for a few days will help the situation, then make sure he knows that it is only a short stay. Don’t let him think it’s for good. Then you can judge a bit of how you could manage, always bearing in mind that his Care will become a full time day and night job for many years perhaps.
One last thought for you to consider. If both Granddad and your son need your full attention in the future. Who will you put first? What will you do about Mum when she can no longer manage?
Please get that advice. Call in the troops!
KR