Full time mum full time carer Hi and help!

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Hi!

I’ve come here because I needed a rant and frankly I don’t think anyone else gets it unless you're in similar shoes so here we are.

I’m 23 have lovely bubbly 20 month-year-old 6 months pregnant and full-time carer for my mother in law who needs 24/7 care diagnosed with vascular dementia.

Today I just don’t know if the hormones or I’m just so fed up I feel so bad on both my child and mother I can never take him baby group very rarely as my husband works full time and I can’t leave mum alone in the house, I just feel
So bad on him I just want to spend a day at the zoo or something I always feel guilty that I can’t leave the house and just simply take him park. We practically have no support no one ever sits in for us to go out and my husband does not like the idea of rest bite so that’s out the window. I feel like I’m losing patience with his mum and it’s not her fault and it makes me feel bad. I dread to think how it’s gonna be with an extra little human. I’ve got mum guilt and carer guilt I suppose. Every time I try to talk to my husband he just sees I as I’m complaining about his mum and doesn't really take it on board just leaves for work.

I was just asking then if please can organise 1-2 days rest bite for next month a week so I can spend some time with my toddler as there are lots on because it’s holidays and take him out and I want him to come as well but he doesn't even want to! Because he doesn't want to leave mum in rest bite for a day. I want a family day out and quality time before baby number two arrives (due in October) I just some quality time with my little boy and him! But I got nowhere no where I just feel so bad the more I complain the more guilty I feel too. Like I know it’s not his mum's fault I don’t want to feel like I’m neglecting her but I also have a child at very demanding age.


Urgh sorry for the rant I just feel like crying because I’m just so fed up, none of his family come and helps me they haven’t been around for 3 weeks.

I just here every day alone indoors.
Hi BeeAx,

Welcome to the forum.

You are what is called a sandwich carer - caring for children and a parent( in law.) Honestly I think this is a lot to cope with - a little one, being pregnant and your MIL!

I reckon hubby needs to experience what you are doing firsthand, so plan to visit friends/rellies (to stay over,) and leave him home to care for the little one and his Mum - preferably for several days. He might then begin to see why respite care, sitters or time at a day centre placement would be valuable. Start by leaving the house some evenings once he arrives home from work - he can juggle prepping dinner, a tired toddler and MIL's needs after a full day at work, he might begin to appreciate how tired you feel.

I honestly don't see how you are going to manage once the baby is born.

Melly1
I truly can't see how you are doing all this! Your husband needs a reality check. His life is not nearly as impacted as yours. I like Melly's ideas of getting your husband more involved, but only to educate him. Ultimately you'll need to consider assistance for your mother in law and Im sure others will be able to offer their thoughts on that.
Hi

I was in the same boat as you. I started to care for my parents pretty much when my second child was born. it was a horrific time. The saving grace being I at least didn't live with them.

Now I look back I shudder at how bad things were and how much my kids had to put up with.

You NEED to start putting the kids first. You need to go to the toddler groups for your child and for yourself. You need to be a normal Mum and this will be even more important, when number 2 turns up. A baby and a toddler is hard work without the added difficulty of your MIL. You don't want to look back at that time and regret that you didn't make the most of it. My children are 7 and 10 now and it goes so fast.

Do you have any help in already?
Do you claim any benefits for MIL or yourself? If not you shoud at least be getting attendance allowance for her.
Does MIL have savings over £23,000?
Has your MIL had a social services assessment. Have you had a carers assessment
I assume you live with MIL? Do you want to still live with her? Would residential care be better now do you think?

Sending a big hug as it is hard. But things can get better, You don't have to do it all.
Rosemary_1706 wrote:
Mon Jul 22, 2019 9:47 am
I truly can't see how you are doing all this! Your husband needs a reality check. His life is not nearly as impacted as yours. I like Melly's ideas of getting your husband more involved, but only to educate him. Ultimately you'll need to consider assistance for your mother in law and Im sure others will be able to offer their thoughts on that.
I totally agree that you need help caring for MIL. My reasoning re leaving hubby to cope, is so that he agrees that his mum needs outside help/ respite/ residential care - at the moment he seems to be the main obstacle to her receiving it.

Melly1
I cannot understand how many men expect their wives to care for their own mothers!!

I'm now in my sixties, I've had a total of ten, yes, ten carees, from new born to 87. If I could turn the clock back I'd do things very differently. Only now I see I was "conditioned" to care for my mum, and my baby brother, 8 years younger than me. I'm sure now mum had post natal depression that she never really got over, and I was a mug, helping others do what they wanted me to do, sacrificing some of my own dreams forever. Long ago I gave up saying what I really wanted about anything.

It's VERY different now they are all dead apart from my son with severe learning difficulties, brain damaged when he was born. This all makes me sound a bitch.

From my experiences, I'll tell you that
    you get the life you are prepared to put up with
    if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will
    Your health comes before anyone else's health
    The most important people are your children, especially the unborn child.
    You are putting your own life and that of your unborn child at risk by caring for mum in law, and it simply must stop.

    Tell us a bit more about mum in law.
    Does she live with you, or in her own home?
    Does she own or rent her home?
    Does anyone have Power of Attorney?
    Does she have over £23,000 in savings? Yes/No
    Is she claiming Attendance Allowance?
    Is she claiming exemption from Council Tax due to her dementia (classed as severe mental impairment) this CAN be backdated by the way, I've helped some people get thousands back!!

    You can keep an eye on her, but should otherwise leave her care for others. How best to manage that depends on your answers, so we can help you and your family have a better life. The alternative is to ruin your marriage and your children's future. They deserve a happy, not frazzled, mum and dad.