Full time carer

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64 posts
I have been caring for my elderly mother for two years now.

The first year was fine but I am increasingly stressed and fed up.

My mother is currently in hoslital after a couple of falls and a broken wrist. I am sad to say that I am dreading her coming home. Her home. I moved in to care for her (was renting so it has benefitted me too).

I have no days off and get the pathetic carers allowamce. Not even the minimum wage. How can this be legal? I am sure this cant be the first post to mention this!

I am going to have to get carers in so that I can have days off and carers in so that I can cope.

Wish I was 60 so that the house didnt have to go but I just cannot manage on my own any more.

Its a tough call being a carer isnt it?
Hi Jacqueline ... welcome to the canteen

" Caring is a choice " ... so we are told by all and sundry out there ... unfortunately , it is factually correct.

However , this is CarerLand , our gulag , and we know the real truth behind that statement !

Your caring role ... what immediately springs to mind are ... needs and carer assessments ... local LA for those , probably detailed on their web site.

Don't place too much faith in them ... virtually all LAs have cut back even beyond the bone but ... there are available to you and your caree by law.

Various external links available ... by a short head , the NHS web site :

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-ca ... ssessment/

Real post code lottery out there in all aspects ... including waiting times for both.

CA ?

12 foot thick volumes of postings across the ages on that one ... that we currently know of ... some still to be rediscovered by archaeologists as I type.

IF you want the full sp , I can supply ... in volumes from a couple of " Bibles " on the subject matter posted elsewhere under different threads.

Finances ?

Why not type in a few figures on an online benefits calculator to cross reference most of the benefits / allowances available ... Council Tax springs to mind ... claiming the 25% discount ?

https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

Your age / house / future fees ... pleased to see that you are on the ball.

Plenty of help available on that aspect from other forum inmates.

Enough from me .... feel free to bounce anything off us here in the canteen.
It's Mums savings that count towards care costs, not yours. If she's living in her own home then the value of the house is disregarded so it's only her income and savings that are taken into account. After hospital she should get 6 weeks free rehab care. After that full contribute if she has over £23000.

When the hospital/ss plan her discharge simply tell them you are returning to work full time and won't be able to care for Mum so carers will have to. Then go get yourself a job. Theory is you won't need to do any care, truth is you will still be caring between carer visits and at nightitmes, but at least you will have a salary and be able to save for the eventuality she will go into residential care at some point. It's only then the house will be in danger of being sold.

Meanwhile treat the time she is in hospital as a bit of respite. Don't visits every day, give your self days off and little treats. It sounds like you have CLOCS clapped out carer syndrome and need some time off and some me time. Returning to work will build self esteem and social networks and stop the isolation, a bit.

Xx
MrsA
Hi Jacqueline. I know how you feel. I have been caring for my mum for three years now. At first I didn't even think about days off and breaks but Mum has gradually got more needy. As she has got older she is in more pain and has become depressed. Also my Dad needs help now too. I have two sisters who live about 20 miles away - they visit once a week which gives me a much deserved day off.
I agree with Mrs A about you getting a job, for your own sake, even part time just to get you out of the house and to be with other people. If you can't do that then would you consider joining some kind of club, where you meet up with others and do something you enjoy? I belong to an aerobic dance class and it gives me some 'me' time that really helps me cope and gets me out of the house for awhile.
As for 'Carers allowance' it is 'to pay for expenses' and is not supposed to be an income. That is what it says on the Carers allowance benefits page. I absolutely agree with you that as carers we SHOULD be paid a proper income for caring for our relatives or friends.
Sounds like you haven't been 'tough' alas!!!

As Mrs A says, it's your MUM'S money that pays for her care, not yours. So tot up her savings, and if she has to use them to pay for outside help, well, so be it.

What's your mum's attitude? Does she just 'expect' you to look after her? Is she saying she doesn't want 'anyone else' in the house etc?

That's a very common attitude, and we have to 'stand up' to it.

You MUST have 'time off' - and holidays!

There is no point your mum sitting on savings while your life goes down through a hole in the ground!!!!!

Tell us a little more, and we can point you to both what is 'out there' (eg, entitlement to 'free carers' etc etc) and how best to strengthen yourself psychologically and emotionally to get yourself a bit of an easier life. It can be done!
PS - remember, not a SINGLE one of us has ANY legal 'duty of care' - whatever the SS etc say! (Yeah, they'd LOVE us to do it all for free!!!!!!).

You are entirely legally entitled to walk away, move to Australia and do not a single damn thing for your mum ever again. Totally entitled to do that!

So play 'hard ball' - with SS and, too, with your mum if that has to happen (well, not 'hard' but 'firm' )
Also, you MUST safeguard your own future! As Mrs A warns, if your mum DOES end up needing residential care, and owns her own house/flat, it WILL have to be sold to pay for that care. You could end up homeless.

If she rents it, ensure YOU are on the tenancy or, again, when she goes into care or dies, YOU will be evicted/homeless.

It's essential to look to the future for yourself. Far too many middle aged 'daughters-at-home' don't do this, and end up in a VERY bad way financially. Please dont' be one of them!
A carers assessment showed that I was eligable for ... 2 hours a week while a sitter came in to be with my Morher!!!

I said er no I need days off not just 2 hours a week!!! Do you know of any other job where 2 hours a week is considered to be enough of a break? (She didnt).

She then suggested that a carer could come in for 15 minutes a day whilst I had a cup of tea and a biscuit. Er again no again I WANT TIME TO RELAX, mabe they could club all the 15 minute visits together and add them on to the (pathetic) two hours a week? She responded that she would see what they could do.

I am aware that it is my Mothers savings that will be used for her care.

She does get carers allowance, must get the higher rate put into place now.

The ot from the hospital has suggested that she will need 2 carers four times a day. Hope social services agree.

Once her savings hit 23,500 (not long once we start paying for that.level of care) will the state help with payment?

Our family so!icitor said that they wont count the house as an asset whilst she is still living here (phew) and then once I reach 60 and if I am unmarried, the house will be protected.

So I just (just) have to last 2 more years. I am concerned that ss wont help us with carer costs once the savings have dipped below the magic 23,500. Anyone know?

Its good having other cerers to talk to!
Sylvia caring for husband who has been diagnosed with dementia. Just been refuset by hospital 5 mins before a cataract operation that because he couldn't answer a question about why he was there they cancelled the op despite him being prepped and ready
Sylvia hi - (the mods may move your post to a new thread of your own!)

That is really bad about the damn op. My MIL with 'significant' dementia needed an eye op, and the doctor who 'consented' her (ie, went through the form with her) was perfectly happy to take 'my answers' (she just smiled vaguely....hadn't a clue, but I was there with her so that was 'OK' for her). I was very glad - they did know she had dementia.

For your poor husband this really should have been sorted out WAY before he was ready to go into theatre! What a mess for you. Obviously there has to be some bureaucratic procedure to allow those who have no 'legal capacity' to give 'informed consent' any longer, to have essential treatment. Do you have Power of Attorney (I'm assuming not, or at least not for Health and Welfare) or this mess wouldn't have happened!

Considering how difficult it is to get theatre time, what a fiasco - the surgeon must have been livid to have been messed about like this.

My MIL's hospital was brilliant - the surgeon even allowed that MIL didn't have to be 'gowned' at all, she went in in her street clothes (it was day surgery - she came home at the end of the day)(huge eyepatch which she then spent a week constantly removing as she had no idea what it was therefore and it irritated her!)(sigh).

I was also allowed to go into the theatre and hold her hand while they put her under. It was fascinating to see someone being given a general anesthetic.

I do hope things can be sorted out for your husband - but what a ridiculuous situation that it wasn't understood from the off that he could not give consent himself.
64 posts