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New Member Trying to deal with Mums severe Stroke - Carers UK Forum

New Member Trying to deal with Mums severe Stroke

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi Image My name is Adele 50 years young from Barnsley. Just found this website, it's just what I was looking for. Image
My Mum 72 had a severe stoke 4/12/11, she has no use at all in her left hand side.
My Dad 76 and me are feeling the pressure, as sorting things out for them has been a nightmare.
3 weeks in to Mum being at home I am becoming increasingly worried about Dad too.
Mum and Dad live in Huddersfield, I live in Barnsley. So I go over on a Monday and stay until Thurs.
Then home to my partner of 14 years Paul for 3 days. I'm splitting myself in 2.
I can't even think about tackling the complicated system if I give up work. Currently I'm on sick with anxiety and stress. I feel very alone and don't know where to start to become Mum's carer.
Mum has been awarded Attendance allowance at upper level, as she needs help day and night, but this isn't being paid until June 4th, which I don't understand why.
Please can any one give me any advice.
Hello Adele Image

I'm so glad you found your way here. No instant answers for you right now but this is a very good place for you to get support from others who really do understand the practical and emotional issues involved in caring for a loved one.

Thanks for introducing yourself. Sorry its all been such an ordeal for you. Stress is a big issue for many of us. Have you or your parents considered asking Social Services for an assessment and to discuss options in getting support ? I know you want to help but you can't do everything. You can't you know. How do your parents cope during the three days you are back with your partner ? I just feel that on paper this looks just about do-able, but the pressure is building already for you and I dont think its do-able in the longer term. So for your sake, your partner's sake, and your parents' sake, some other input is needed to make the whole thing work better. Of course, having other help may be hard for your parents to accept, but I think you somehow know this needs to happen. So I suggest you contact Social Services local to where your parents live ( part of the local council and usually known as Adult Services these days ) and explain the situation. Ask them to assess your parents needs ( usually called a community care assessment on this website ), AND ask them for a Carers Assessment too. Thats about what help can be offered to YOU to help you in supporting them both.

http://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice ... assessment

http://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice ... assessment

Its getting late and my brain starts shutting down at midnight ! Finally, let me once again say how glad I am that you joined us here, Adele. We will support you. We will support you in helping your parents. And we will very much want you to take good care of yourself as well. That is so very important.

So, enough from me. I hope you get the message. Take care. Ask for help with your mum and dad. And let us help you best we can. Lots of kind and friendly folk here Image Image Image

THANK YOU ROBERT, I am not alone Image . Your post made me cry
Did not mean to do that Adele Image

Try to rest now.


Hi Adele,
It's amazing how many carers feel isolated, especially when there are so many of us! But don't worry, you're in good company Image Speaking to other carers can really help beat isolation. Who else would truly understand why we're all still up in the early hours of the morning! Image Image I should have gone to bed a while ago Image
I don't want to repeat on Robert's great post, but want to welcome you to the forum all the same.
Glad to have you here Image
Hi Adele

Welcome from a fellow "newbie". I am sorry you are going through all this right now, and can relate to you feeling isolated. I am in a similar position as you, not so much with the travelling, but am split in two between my Gran and my Children. It is so draining! I have been doing it now for about 4 years, and can honestly say that although I do not regret it, I do wish I had found the help that we get now much sooner. I recently contacted social services and had a care assessment done for my Gran, at the moment Rapid Response come into her in the mornings, though this will change significantly now as she had to go into hospital tonight....I really would echo what others have said, ask for help, I didnt and for 4 years now it has been my life between my Gran, my children and my hubby to the extent where we havent even had a holiday in that length of time, I thought I could cope, but it does grind you down. Please dont let that happen to you.

I hope you can get extra support for your parents and for you.

Look forward to getting to know you, take care.x
Hi Adele and welcome. The others have given good advice and I won't add to that - you've enough to do.

The Attendance Allowance issue is straightforward: your Mum had her stroke in December which brought about her need for support. Attendance Allowance can only be paid 6 months after that - so June would be the first payment. The fact that your Mum has to wait so long isn't right, but it is correct.
Dear Adele,
Your mum should not have been discharged from hospital until a proper care package was in place. You are going to lose everything if you keep doing too much - that's the voice of experience talking. My mum is very poorly, lives alone, after I became ill she now has carers to do the housework, food shopping etc. then I can concentrate on anything they won't do. This weekend, try to write a diary of what you are doing for mum and dad. Make sure that they have had a benefits check to see that they are getting all the benefits which they are entitled to. Consider also what would make their lives easier, e.g. dishwasher, tumble dryer etc. Just these two pieces of equipment save so much time and effort. Could you shop online for them to get the basics for them, rather than go into the shops. The same applies to your own household too. Thinking about how mum is managing at home, is there anything in particular she is struggling to do? If so, social services can arrange for an occupational therapist to see her at home and discuss various aids which are available. If mum is feeling socially isolated, there may be clubs in your area which she could attend. You need to set a definite date when you are going back to work, and stick with it,however hard it seems. Jobs are too hard to come by. It's such a shame that all this wasn't thought about before discharge. Take care.
Hi Adele, lots of good advice already, so.....welcome Image
Hiya and a warm welcome to the forum.