New to forum

[Lorraine_2105]

Hi,
My dad has early stages of dementia, he is 87 and lost his wife to cancer 2 weeks ago.
I have been estranged from him, because of her for almost 37 years, he has missed out on his grandchild and great grandchildren, on so many things
We would get together on occasion for a short time but then his wife would put a stop to it and it would be another few years before I saw him again.
I have not seen him now for almost 10 years although my step sister has always kept me informed on how he was doing.
When his wife died, I sent a card and note to tell him how much I loved and missed him in my life and I hoped he would have enough love left in him to want to see me... He does, but it seems there was a small amount of persuasion needed.
I have already been warned that he's not the dad I remember, he's quite small and frail where as the dad I knew was tall, strong and handsome ....
I am really scared to see him, a meeting has been arranged for this week. I have no idea how he will be with me as our last meeting because of his wife, became hostile, even though I had gone to see them to try and make the peace.
I'm scared I will say the wrong thing, I don't even know what to talk about in case I distress him. I'm worried when I get there he won't want to see me or will be nasty.
I guess in my mind, I still have my childhood hero, my first love....
So many years have gone by, I'm 61 yrs old so much has happened and he was never there once for me ... I'm just plain scared to death
Sorry for the long post, I have so many emotions going through my head at the moment.
Thank You for reading

[bowlingbun]

If he has dementia, he may have mellowed, or be worse.
Who has arranged this meeting?
You have no responsibility for him going forward. To me, he's got to face whatever happens now on his own, having rejected his child when you needed him most.

[Lorraine_2105]

Hi thank you for replying.
I know what you are saying but I guess I have to go and see what happens ( even though it may break my heart once again).
My step sister and his careers arranged the meeting.
I will let you know, it may be I get to make some memories with him, before I lose him again x

[Melly1]

Hi Lorraine,

perhaps take some photos of your childhood etc or times you shared before he married his second wife to help you both reminisce about the good times. Takes some pics to show him off your family. Don't stay too long, as it will be emotionally exhausting for both of you. I hope it goes well. Let us know.

Melly1

[bowlingbun]

Be kind to yourself, you cannot be forced to stay if you don't want to. If he gets nasty, turn away saying "I don't have to listen to this..."

[Lorraine_2105]

So my up and coming visit has been put off until the weekend.

But I need advice, my step sister who has had more dealings with my dad is SO stressed.. it would seem that my dad keeps mistaking her for his wife ( they are so similar when his wife was her age) and he is saying some rather unsavoury ( sexy) things to her, she knows he doesn't realise what he's doing but it's making her feel very uncomfortable and a bit vulnerable, although she trys not to be there on her own to avoid getting into these situations it's not always possible.
She's told him off, explaining who she is and she's not her mum but it doesn't seem to help after a while.
She's warned the career's but he's fine with them, usually.
How does she cope with this?
She's in mourning herself but cannot show it in front of him.
Is there Anyone else that has come up against this, that can advise PLEASE

[bowlingbun]

Frankly, I'd say that's it. He has to go!

However, it's probably not that simple. Who owns the house?

Tell her to talk to his doctor immediately.
Also talk to Social Services.

[Pet66]

My friend, a lady I met in the nursing home my husband was in, visited her dad regularly. He sometimes thought she was his wife. Not sure if intimate suggestions were made, but he definitely used to say shall we go and have a lie down. Her reply was on the lines of Dad, I can't do that. Very often she would suggest them having a cup of tea and get up to request one. Usually worked, a distraction. However he was in the nursing home, and she,as I did, had choice on how long to stay.. Your step sister must walk out of the room, and try a distraction. Very difficult when the confusion is at its worst.

[Denis_1610]

Hello Lorraine. I am not going to say "Don't be nervous," because inevitably you will be in a situation like this. I am often nervous in far lesser situations, such as meeting again old friends after a considerable time. The meeting finally takes place; the ice is broken and everything is fine. You have a more-complex situation to sort out. It is good that you care about your Dad in spite of his considerable absence from your life.

Don't worry about saying the wrong thing. Just be yourself. If your father cannot accept you as you are, then that is not much of a relationship. You will need to be ready to meet a changed person. Be prepared for this. Forewarned is forearmed.

Melly gave some good advice; take some pictures along. I have found this very useful myself in situations where I have anticipated difficulty in knowing what to talk about.

Your Dad keeps mistaking your step-sister for his late wife. It is not unusual for people with dementia to live in the past and sometimes refer to friends and relatives who have deceased, recently or long ago, as though they are still alive. While this must make your step-sister uncomfortable it is unfortunate that she told him off, which one should not do to a person with dementia. It is better to collude with them in a harmless way. Pet suggested a good way to deal with this.

Your Dad did distance himself for many years. This was probably mainly the fault of his dragon of a wife, but he could have taken a firmer stand and met you, even if his wife refused to accompany him. Go to the meeting with the feeling that you do not owe him anything but are giving him the chance of reconciliation. And however the meeting goes, do let us know. Good luck!

[Kristie_2104]

Dear Lorraine
Welcome to the Forum!
You are not alone, we are sure that many on here will understand exactly how you feel and offer support. Caring can be very lonely and the pandemic has made caring responsibilities challenging as many carers have been socially restricted and unable to attend social groups etc.
Carers UK are running online weekly meet ups for carers and you can find the information on how to register at Care For A Cuppa:-https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... ne-meetups. There is also Share and Learn: https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advic ... e-sessions.
Our Telephone Number is:- 0808 808 7777 and is open from Monday-Friday, 9am-6pm and our Email Address is (advice@carersuk.org.)
They provide information and guidance to unpaid carers. This covers:-
-Benefits And Financial Support
-Your Rights As A Carer In The Workplace
-Carers Assessments And Have To Get Support In Your Caring Role
-Services Available To Carers And The People You Care For
-How To Complain Effectively And Challenge Decisions
Best Wishes
Kristie