first post

[loopylou]

Hi, I have recently move my mum in with me as she has vascular dementia and her partner could no longer cope. I am an only child so every thing falls to me which I am only too pleased to do but find it very restricting especially as I have 2 children 9 and 12 to look after too.the guilt is shocking I am trying to make sure my kids don't loose out and also deal with all mum's needs. The constant accusations I find really draining especially like to night when I have been woken to be accused of stealing a ring off her finger _ this ring I believe she lost 5 years ago how do you respond to it?

[melanie masters]

Hi Nicola, welcome to the forum.

I had a similar issue when we moved into our new house. Dad was adamant that the bed in his room he had never seen before, it was a different bed and very uncomfortable. He doesn't even have dementia. I got very irritated at first, as I explained to him it couldnt be anyone else's bed, and he said I must be getting confused!! An old family friend, whose mother had dementia, advised me just to play along, saying meaningless platitudes like "okay, don't worry I will sort it out", and "I will find the bed, just manage with this one for a minute" and he would soon forget about it. He did.

I am sure you are in for a few struggles now that you have Mum with you, but this forum will really help! Lots of friendship and advice!

Melanie

[crocus]

Hi nicola and welcome
Its not easy to be plunged straight into caring, especially as you have a family of your own. Im afraid that guilt is all too common, but remember that you are not superwoman and cant do everything. Has your mum has a needs assessment and are you getting any help? You must make sure that you take any and all help thats offered otherwise you will not be able to cope either.

[Struggling Hill]

Hi Nicola, good to hear from you.

My family set up sounds similar to you. I had my mum (almost 90 years old) come to live with me and my three teenagers last year. My children had a great relationship with their gran when she lived in her own house but slowly and with some resentment creeping in that dynamic has changed.
I thought I was superwoman and could handle all that came my way. I plodded on with no help from my siblings. My advice to you would be get as much help and support as you can. You are not failing as a daughter by seeking help for you and your family. In fact it is a strengh of a persons character to be able to say "I need some help please"
I'm now at the stage where I'm coming to terms with seeking a place in residential care for her as the pressure to look after her needs and that of my children, work and my health are taking it's toll on me.
I've only been on this forum a week and have found the support immeasurable, please try not to feel guilty or alone we all share those feelings and are here to listen.
Shirley

[Bluebird]

Hi Nicola and welcome. Lots of support and understanding on here, you are not alone.

[Melly1]

Hi Nicola and welcome,

lots of folk with experience of dementia on here should be able to relate to your problems and advise.

Is your Mum's partner able to sit with her occasionally, although unable to cope 24/7 they may be valuable support so that you can devote time to your children and indeed have some "me" time once the school's go back.

Melly1

[sunset]

hi welcome to forum will get lots help here, leave it to those in know

[loopylou]

It's strange some things mum just seems to forget instantly other times she gets fixated. She has decided she no longer wants to live with me because I lock the doors and she can not get out _ I was leaving the keys in until she escaped and I had to call the police. She wants to go and live with her ex partner who moved away when we moved her in and does not want any contact with her or us. I feel so awful even though I know it's the dementia how can I win I have tried to explain that we have to wait for him to contact us, but she accuses me of not letting her contact him.

I have booked her in with the gp to get her checked over next week cause 6 weeks ago she was so happy and easy and I would like that mum back we will see

[tracie]

Hi and welcome father in law has vascular dementia