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Feelings of resentment - Carers UK Forum

Feelings of resentment

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Hi, I'm new to this forum and I'm hoping that I don't offend anyone. My partner has muscular dystrophy and a few years ago he was hit as a pedestrian by a drunk driver and was further injured.
We have been together for 8 years and have two children (4 & 18months).

I'm starting to struggle now though. I love him so much but its reached the stage where I resent his feelings of frustration when I want to do something that he can't (which rarely happens) but he resents me wanting to do things he can't participate in. I've put self second at nearly every opportunity and it now appears that he expects that.

Just last week we found out that our 4 year old also has muscular dystrophy. We saw a genetic councillor before we decided to have him and were told that the risks of passing it on were minimal however it was recently discovered that there was always a 50/50 chance.

I don't want to be selfish, but I also don't feel I should live my life as a person with the same disabilities as my partner. We should be a team that encourages one another to live life to the fullest that we can.

Does any of this sound like something you can relate to or am I just selfish? Please don't sugar coat what you want to say because if its me that is the problem then I need to understand that and change my ways. (we're both in our early 30's).

Gosh you are both very young for something like this to happen and then to discover the problems with you son must be devastating.
I care for my husband who was injured in a road traffic accident and has an acquired brain injury which happened nearly 20 years ago. It is very difficult to see him becoming gradually less able to do things.
It is not selfish to want to do things by yourself - lots of couples do this. Have you tried sitting down and talking things over with your husband about the things you would like to do, or does he not want to know? Do you find yourself doing things that you dont want to do, but do them because he wants to? Could you come to an agreement that you will do X with him if he will let you do Y (or something like that)? Are there some things that he could do without you enabling you to do something else during that time. I dont know the extent of his disabilities, nor what sort of things you would like to do that he cant, so forgive me if Im way off the mark.
Dear Sonia,
I can guarantee that whatever you say is bound to offend someone. We have a minor problem with sub-aquatic life forms that tend to surface every now and again to breathe, but a casual flick back into the depths of oblivion is usually quite adequate, and our Mods can be roused from their eternal slumber if you click on the panic button.

Interesting problem, and it would be a braver man than me who would dare to offer advice: all I can say is that we are here for you, you are one of us, through thick and thin, to Infinity and (up to a point) beyond!!
You were pretty canny, Sussex. Dodged, ducked, and dived a bit here and there. At least you didn't suggest taking up crochet or macrame, lol!
Im new here too, Ive got no answers but Im here if you would like a chat Image x
Actually, I love crochet x please dont dismiss it as an artform x
Hello, Im sat here juggling stuff as we talk! Oh keyboards Image To be honest, really glad i joined this place, need to talk to other carers, think I bore all other friends ? ................My husband asleep now, but he saw i joined other day and got upset that i hadnt talked to him, got all funny about it! said i had him.... i know hes there but its different, he doesnt really know how i feel, Oh, feel really bad now Image
Hi Sonia,

Welcome to the forum and no, I don't think you're being selfish to want to get a bit more out of life. Sussex gave good advice and he's right about it all being something of a juggling act for you.

My husband doesn't have serious health issues, but he does have a handicap of sorts - he's a golf addict! Image Now, to my mind, golf is just a good walk, spoilt. What's more I'll never understand why those bent metal sticks and little balls cost so much, not to mention the club membership fee! As for me, I've no interest in any sport, but do like going to concerts to watch various singers, including one in particular, who my husband can't stand! So, to say we don't share each other's interests is an understatement, but I think spending time apart can be healthy in a marriage. I hope you can talk things through with your husband, because you need something in life to take your mind off things, especially when you have caring responsibilities.
Thank you all. I appreciate what you've said and it does make sense. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I'm doing my dissertation, looking after everything and just loosing a sense of who I am.
This morning he woke me with tickets to the royal opera house, something that more me than him Image

I guess having people to talk to helps me come back down to earth and realise I'm not totally alone. I don't know any other carers of partners or children so once again thanks for welcoming me.

Happy Valentines day all.
The Royal Opera House! - you lucky thing!
Have a lovely evening Image