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Feeling responsible for your elderly parents... is this right? - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Feeling responsible for your elderly parents... is this right?

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
My personal feeling is that if one's parents have been loving and supportive all one's life then it is a responsibility to acknowledge that good parenting by ensuring that they are cared for in their extreme old age. Now whether that means organising carers while visiting and overseeing their well- being, ensuring that they are looked after in a Home or doing it all oneself depends entirely on individual circumstances, taking into consideration the claims and well being of one's own husband, other family and self. Often a compromise needs to be reached which is the best possible scenario for all concerned. It might not be ideal for everyone (or even anyone) but no individual(s) should be sacrificed for the unrealistic preferences of elderly carees.
There is black to white with all shades of grey in-between in this kind of caring situation. Imagine a parent who abandoned their child at a very young age re-appearing aged 80 and saying 'I'm your parent, you have to look after me' or a middle aged 'child', who has always had a loving and close relationship with a parent saying 'Now you are old and needy I'm not visiting you any more as I have better things to do'. Somewhere in-between those extremes all carers for elderly parent(s) have to find (and in an ideal society ought to be helped and supported to find) the right level of care that suits all concerned. That ideal society doesn't exist of course and carers have to try to find their own level, which is hard, and there are so very many contributing factors like previous relationship, degree of need, health of the carer, carer's other responsibilities and so on.
Both minefield and nightmare.
Wise and true words, Elaine!
Notamartyr - I hear you and feel the same - resentful doesn't begin to describe it.

I feel guilty if I don't care for my elderly, grieving, sick father BUT he doesn't feel one jot of guilt about how he impacts on my life. Once I overheard him saying that my caring for him was 'payback'. Payback for being a cr@p father - then he 'owes' me!

'None of us asked to be born. My parents have been responsible for many of the problems I have in life ...'

Ditto. Can so relate to this.

This is controversial too: Some people are absolutely not fit or equipped to be parents and shouldn't be reproducing just to fulfil THEIR NEED to have a family, a mini-me, company for life - my parents fall into this category. I and my elder estranged sister are the fked up results of their dysfunctional coupling.

Sounding like the Harbinger of Doom here but be prepared - I've found the demand/burden has got so much worse dealing with just the one remaining, grieving parent.

It's not easy to walk away though. You have to find a liveable amount of involvement you're prepared to give/maintain (I'm working on this) - the problem is, the demand is only going to increase ...
Yes ... but not in the context behind the comment made by the politician.

The context being an invitation , by emotional means , to reduce the " Burden " of caring for the elderly on the State by " Volunteering " to join the carer army.

Strange how the politicians love using " The Family " as an emotional argument. For some carers , those words can be damaging through varoius causes which have left many totally reliant on themselves.

In line with Government policy as can be seen across the whole social care sector.

One proposal made by another poster was for carers to " Volunteer " their time and skills to care for an elderly person in their homes subject to an increase in Carers Pittance , thus increasing their own income and reducing the costs to a LA at the same time.

So far , that idea has fallen on deaf ears ... as have most good ideas from carers over the years.
HI.I would say that it should not sound like a duty, but as an aid, like a bit of help from us. I'm glad to know that I can help my parents. I've always been a united family and have respect each other. Anyway it must come from the heart, but not like an obligation ;) I love to help my parents, quite every day we spend a lot of time online searching for answers to questions related to their health, today we spent a lot of time on https://onlinepharmacyreviews.org and i love to help them, especially my mother that have troubles using internet, and i see how important is that for her, i love to know that i can help somehow.
A bit of help is fine, for one parent. It's the bit more, bit more, for one, then two, then three, then four parents all at once, until all four were entitled to highest DLA which lead us to breaking point, when my husband died of a massive heart attack, and I developed a life threatening illness needing major surgery. At what point do you draw the line?
If we are appreciated by our carees, it makes all the difference.

But when carees have dementia they mentally 'cannot' appreciate what is being done for them - it isn't in their cerebral capability any more. THat is difficult. When the dementia is more advanced, and they 'obviously' are not capable, it's easier. That's what's happened to me with my MIL. When her dementia was 'mild' her being totally 'oblivious' of what I was doing for her drove me mental! Now, though, that she is so, so advanced, I don't judge her as a 'normal person' any more. (Also, she is in a care home...............................................)

I know this can sound 'prissy', but, as anyone who reads my posts will know, to me, the KEY issue is 'morality' - in that, if our parents were 'good parents' (or tried to be!) then we do more, if they weren't (as J's wasn't), then we don't. Don't care what they want or expect, it's 'karma'. BUT, all too many 'browbeaten' children go on being 'browbeaten' by parents who weren't good parents when they didn't need any care, and aren't good parents now that they do.

(This does NOT apply to my poor MIL. Her 'neediness' is only because of her dementia, not her character.)
I think BB throws up a real 'killer question' - what happens when they ALL want/need care???????????????????
My parents were about 6 miles in one direction, my in laws were 6 miles in the other. We nicknamed ourselves The Thunderbirds, ready to go at a moment's notice. My mum seemed to know when I'd had a couple of drinks, very unusual occurrence, usually just the eve of our wedding anniversary, after I was widowed. Telling carers I couldn't go on new year's eve to help mum whe she had diarrhoea, because I would be over the limit, didn't go down well!