Feeling overwhelmed, Carer for Mother and single parent

[Laura_2009]

Hi

I've been caring for my mum for a long time. However I'd say the past 4 years have been more involved as my Mum had sepsis and a stroke and was diagnosed with heart failure. My Mum is also now blind. She recently fell at home and fractured hip, that was 5 weeks ago. Incredibly she came through the op and is now in an intermediate care facility and they're looking to move my Mum maybe home in the next week or so.

We share ownership of the house we live in.

However I'm very much feeling immense anxiety and fear over the future. I'm a separated parent and have a 9 year old son too and I work a full time (at home for now due to Covid-19) and I'm really concerned about how much care my mum may now need and whether I can continue to go on, I am 40 and sort of waiting for my life and my son's to feel less stressed... and I feel terrible about that feeling.

My Dad died when I was 11 and it has been me and my mum since, no other family able to help with care beyond the odd visit every now and again. I have great friends but no one to help practically.

The staff at the IMC unit seem good and have said they'll help me navigate the next steps but I have practical and mental worries. Those are;

* My Mum developed delirium in hospital, this seems to have eased but not completely disappeared... Im so worried this will scare my little boy, the unit said sometimes it doesn't go away.

* Im scared if my mum now physically can't move very well anymore that I won't be able to cope, they said she can have a care package but the house is small and Im worried my little boy will again be disrupted with carers in early morning and late at night.

* Me and my Mum bought this house as a right to buy home, I am on the land registry as part owner and we did buy it together but I believe if my Mum did move into care the LA will claim half of the property amount... we bought it as an investment for my son as we were so poor growing up we didn't want that for him.

* I feel terrible that Im even considering a care home at this point in history... with Corona virus.

I feel so anxious, sick/upset stomach for 5 weeks, racing heart, tearful. I don't know whether I can cope with her returning home or cope with her not returning home... They also said that a fractured hip is usually a sign of end of life which has left me heartbroken. However they say shes doing really well and I have spoken on the telephone to my Mum and in general she sounds ok, every now and again she seems to not talk sensible...

Im worried she may pass away in front of my little boy and as someone who has seen something like that with my Dada as a child I really want to protect him from that. The fact this could be an end of life situation is also completely destroying me. Me and my Mum have never had it easy this all fees so cruel... so sorry this feels like I have rambled.

Im just wondering if anyone has any advice for where to start ... I've been so strong for so long and this time I feel like it's all crashing down

Thanks, L

[bowlingbun]

Laura, you CANNOT be forced to care for mum.

Your son must be your top priority, he deserves a happy mum who can do things with him.

I've had lots of battles with hospitals over my mum, and hopefully can guide you through the process.
Focus on what mum NEEDS.
If she needs 24 hour care or supervision, then she needs residential care.
Can she get to the toilet by herself, or does she need help?
How long has she been blind? This must significantly increase her need for support for almost everything?

Can I ask for a bit more information, to help find the right solution that doesn't involve you sacrificing any more of your life.
How old is mum?
How old are you?
How much were you doing for her before she fell and broke her hip?
Has she had a brain scan?
Do you have any absent brothers or sisters?
Do you have Power of Attorney?
Has mum had an NHS Continuing Healthcare Checklist Assessment yet?
If yo don't know, then she hasn't had one, or if she has, it wasn't done properly!
Does mum have over £23,000 in savings?

[Laura_2009]

Thank you so much for coming back to me... I really appreciate it ...I think it's the guilt feelings too really kicking in I know she just wants to come home and I feel terrible that I hold all of the cards with that and Im scared to be honest with myself as they said they'll be a meeting at some point where we'll all be and Im just dreading the idea at that point I may have to say publicly, I can't cope :/

Can she get to the toilet by herself, or does she need help?
At the moment she needs help, I believe they think physio therapy may get her stronger but she does need help at the moment

How long has she been blind?
Her sight has been decreasing for about 20 years but for the last 8 years I'd say she's been totally blind, she is registered partially sighted but hates any medical intervention so won't be assessed again

This must significantly increase her need for support for almost everything?

You're correct even though she has a lot of complex health issues (pre - fractured hip), her being blind is the one that affects her the most day to day.

Can I ask for a bit more information, to help find the right solution that doesn't involve you sacrificing any more of your life.

How old is mum? She's 78
How old are you? 40
How much were you doing for her before she fell and broke her hip? No personal care but everything else.
Has she had a brain scan? I think she had one immediately after the fall but I'm not 100% sure
Do you have any absent brothers or sisters? No
Do you have Power of Attorney? No
Has mum had an NHS Continuing Healthcare Checklist Assessment yet? If you don't know, then she hasn't had one, or if she has, it wasn't done properly!
No I don't think so
Does mum have over £23,000 in savings?
She doesn't have £23,000 in savings but as we both jointly own in the house I'm told half can be claimed.

Thanks so much again, I really appreciate it, Laura x

[bowlingbun]

Laura, IF mum qualifies for NHS Continuing Care, that will pay ALL her care fees for the rest of her life, unless she gets better, which is very unlikely.
Do you live with mum, or have your own place?
Has mum written a will?
(Sorry for all the questions).

[Laura_2009]

Laura, IF mum qualifies for NHS Continuing Care, that will pay ALL her care fees for the rest of her life, unless she gets better, which is very unlikely.
Do you live with mum, or have your own place?
Has mum written a will?
(Sorry for all the questions).

Thank you - I didn’t know that about NHS continuing care... I do live with my mum, and she doesn’t have a will I know when I say these things it sounds like we’re really stupid but we honestly just didn’t think about things like this as we both have never owned a house before... thank you for all of this information. My mum is coming for a home visit tomorrow. I’m looking forward to Seeing her and also quite worried that this may upset her...

[bowlingbun]

Can you be there when the home visit happens. Make a note of how much help she is given or needs. I doubt that she is capable of being there on her own now. Even if she had four one hour carer visits (which is VERY) unlikely, that still leaves her without carers for 20 hours a day.
You may well have to say to the hospital I WILL NOT LOOK AFTER MUM ANY MORE. That's what I had to do. It wasn't that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. I'd done so much for so many for so long I was completely and utterly exhausted.
I think you should go to your own GP this week, say what is proposed, and how you are feeling about it, be really honest. My GP has on two occasions backed me up with a letter to Social Services telling them basically that I couldn't care any more, regarding first my son, then mum.