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Feeling alone - Carers UK Forum

Feeling alone

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I thought as I got older I would be loved and cherished My Son and daughter and there families live in the uk I have been caring for there dad my husband 15years it wasn’t hard at first But now I’m slowing. Down and getting frequently tired 😓 On a visit 3weeks ago My daughter in law wanted my husband too leave as he was staying with them only 5days He was keeping them awake at night and going too the toilet to much plus he ask our 11 yr old grandson for a glass of water it has hurt us so deeply considering the home they live in we bought it for them But that’s not the point have We gone past our sell by date We are not useful anymore more we are a hindrance My daughter wants us over for Christmas my son lives one house away Do I ignore him and his wife and what about my grandchildren I love 💕 them so much how do we see them when I said I wouldn’t set foot over there door again
Jennifer,

You are clearly utterly exhausted, but it may be too much for your children to care for him.

My father in law stayed with us just one night, after a colonoscopy to confirm the suspected bowel cancer. I'm a light sleeper and hardly slept a wink as he was up and down to the toilet like a yo yo, noisily leaving his bedroom, yanking on the main bathroom light rather than use the shaver light which makes no noise, and could easily have been left on all night. My husband and I worked very long hours then, an believe me, one night was ENOUGH!

Forget about staying with the children, organise proper care for him. Ask Social Services for care, or respite, have a Needs Assessment for him, and a Carers Assessment for you.

You don't say how old either of you are, or what is wrong with your husband. If you give us a bit more information, we might have a few suggestions to help.
Hello Jennifer
I am sorry your daughter in law seems so unfeeling.
As you have been caring for 15 years already do you think perhaps that you have slowly got so used to doing so much for him, that you don't notice how much you do do and how much help he needs?
Maybe you need to sit down with DIL and really talk through what he needs and how this is to done in the future? If she and son don't want to be part of it then that's theirs choice, but at least you will know that and can plan.

Do tell us more about hubby so we can see what other help we can be

Kr
MrsA
"it has hurt us so deeply considering the home they live in we bought it for them "

Whilst I agree that caring for your husband is probably more onerous than most people would put up with (eg, your daughter in law!), I do see why you are hurt and, indeed, offended.

Perhaps the root cause is that you bought the house for them?? If you did that as part of an unspoken 'deal' that your son and DIL would say 'thank you' by helping with your husband, and you feel that they are now reneging on that, and letting you down, I can see why you are upset ,and rightly so.

Did you gift them the money to buy it outright? Could you insist they start paying back towards you (eg, as if you had lent them the money)? That way you would have money from them to pay for carers for your husband, and so make your own life easier.

How well do (or perhaps 'did'!) you get on with your DIL before she 'threw your husband out' (!)? If you got on 'well enough' and it is just her harshness, as you see it, to her father in law, then I think it probably is that she sees just how hard looking after him really is, whereas you have 'got used to it' and 'take it for normal'.

It sounds like it's time for you to have a heart-to-heart with your son, explain how hurt (and perhaps offended too - and 'angry' perhaps, given how generous you've been to him and his wife financially by giving them their house)(a FANTASTIC gift!!!!!!), you feel, and talking honestly with him.

Relations between mothers of sons and their wives is infamously 'delicate' shall we say! In the end, the wives always win (!), because a son will give his first loyalty to his wife (as perhaps he should), and to his children. But of course, 'good sons' DO, sadly, sometimes marry 'selfish women' (who target the 'good kind men' alas!), and it can be VERY hard to watch your 'good son' be taken advantage of by a woman who simply does not deserve him!

So, I guess I'm asking, do you feel your DIL's behaviour to your husband was 'the final straw' in a poor relationship with her anyway, or do you think it was the only thing that is putting you off her?

If it's the latter, then why not explain al that to your son, and for practical purposes, for now, why not, indeed, accept your daughter's invitation for Xmas, but hopefully have at least one nice 'together time day' with your grandson/grandchildren when their Xmas school holidays start?

I'm sure you'll agree that sometimes we do just have to 'put up and shut up' when it comes to 'spats' with in-laws (sigh), and that the 'long term benefits' of keeping 'schtum' about our feelings pays dividends for long term relationships. It's so easy alas to quarrel and have 'bad blood' that just echoes on and on and on in life.

I suspect the MAIN thing you need to do is not fall out with your DIL, but to find ways to 'lighten the load' that caring for your husband places on YOU. How much outside help do you get with him? That might make all the difference for you, and let you be less stressed, and happier???
You have my sympathy . Family relationships are often fraught. Of course you and your husband deserve to be treated better. I guess that your son and daughter in law have their own problems and having you both to stay was just too much for them to cope with. Please don't take it personally - see it as a weakness in your daughter in law.
I agree with Jenny - it is best for all of you to remain on good terms with eachother, especially when children are involved. Put things right with daughter in law and please be considerate towards her even if she isn't considerate towards you. You are older and wiser.
Jennifer, haven't heard anymore from you and I just wondered how you are. I hope things are getting better for you and your husband.
Listen to music and visit in a different forum and social sites when you feeling alone.