Feel alone

[jenny lucas]

What's the financial situation? Is it your mum's own house, or rented? What income and savings does she have? (You don't have to tell us!) - I'm asking because what is happening about PoA? Do you have PoA yet, and if not, you need to get that sorted. Or does you mum dole out money to you?

I would suggest getting a cleaner in to do the housework, paid by mum (if she has the money). DO PLEASE spend her money on making your life easier. After all, the alternative, ie, if you simply threw in the towel and walked out, would be that she'd probably have to go into a home. You're saving her (and the state) loads of money!

I do feel for you - you've described the intense irritation and frustration that caring for an oblivious, unappreciative very old person....what was she like to you before she got this old?

This last comment might sound incredibly heartless and harsh - but....(here goes!), what is her prognosis, do you think, from what the GP says? Are we talking, say, another year or so, or up to five, or loads more than that? (These things are not exact - one carer here took on her mum at 90....and the mum is still going strong at 99!)

The reason I ask is a question of 'pacing'. What we can put up with for a short while is NOT what we can sustain for year after year after year.....

Looking at it another way, IF your mum went into a care home, what would happen in terms of your own accommodation? I believe, from what folks here have said, that even if she would have to use her own funds for residential care, if her home is your primary/only residence then the state can't sell it over your head to pay for the care home fees - though they can ,I think, 'run up a bill' that means that when she dies, you may have to sell to pay off what she effectively 'borrowed' from the state. Others here know a lot more.

[Sue_15071]

Hi Bowlingbum,

Yes, I do have a large industrial washing machine, thankfully and a very large tumbler. These do ease the pressure a little.

We're not entitled to any free carers or help of any other kind unfortunately. I've been into this several times with social services. I presume their attitude is to wait until I drop from exhaustion! A bit like 'closing the door after the horse has bolted'. I suppose it typical of the social these days.

Do you have any of the same problems to deal with?

[Henrietta]

Hi Sue
I'm another one with a "selfish" elderly parent oblivious to all the work involved. I completely agree with all the advice given earlier that you need to get your head around the fact that you are the one calling the shots now and mum must do as she is told! Yes you will get earache but you will keep your sanity.
I noticed that you mentioned wasting time on both doing up pill boxes and collecting prescriptions. You can allocate both these jobs to the pharmacy who should be able to make up blister packs for your mum and arrange for regular delivery. You shouldn't be wasting time asking for prescriptions at surgery, collecting them from pharmacy or arranging them in order yourself. Speak to your Mum's Dr's surgery and local pharmacy. Take advantage of every short cut available and you will have at least an extra hour or two for you.
I also have a father more often than not up before me at 6.30 AM and goes to bed around 1.00 or 2.00 AM if he remembers. I gave up supervising bedtime long ago as it is impossible. You must discuss this with Social Services and see if mum "needs" as opposed to "wants" a bedtime visit and arrange it for her if she can't manage unsupervised. You will be no use to her if you get burnt out which is what will happen with no sleep.
Just red your last post and see SS won't pay for another visit. Is this because mum is s elf funding or because they know you will plug the gap? If it is the latter you need a carer assessment review and let it be known about your own health issues and your need for good regular sleep. How do they think mum manages at bed time? What if you were shock/horror out doing something of your own?
If your mum is over the saving limit and therefore self funding like my Dad you will just have to bite the bullet and arrange for care on her behalf. In my opinion it is better to use some of the future inheritance now to make sure I don't conk out before Dad due to being run ragged!

[Sue_15071]

Hi again Bowlingbun,

I think Mum has a NHS Continuous Health Assessment. It's yearly if that's what you mean. If not, can you tell me what one is please and I can look into it.

We don't have room for a dishwasher unfortunately. The kitchen is fairly small and the washing machine, tumbler, and one of the freezers had to be plumbed in out there up in the utility end of the conservatory.

Mum has to pay well over £100.00 a month for her carers so she can't afford a cleaner. The last time we looked into this it was £15.00 per hour and their. normal time limit was two and a half hours. Even then, they don't touch the kitchen or bathrooms! Not really worth it! I saw a programme about Molly Maids a couple of years ago and they seemed to spend most of their time looking in the clients' wardrobes and jewellery boxes, etc. It's bad enough with carers and nurses in and out every day. I'm not sure I could cope with cleaners that only do half a job too!!

[Sue_15071]

Hi Henrietta,

Apologies for not replying sooner. I thought I'd reply to both of you together if that's OK.

Firstly, no Jenny I don't have PofA unfortunately. It's a very expensive process and although Mum has wasted a load of money on other things this summer she won't pay out for this. At the moment I just fake her signature and do most of the shopping, etc online. So we get round it just about but I know there's going to come a time when I really will have to talk to her firtmly about it.

Luckily, the house is now in my name. I remortgaged it a few years ago due to the reasons you mention. I wanted my own home still, whatever happens to Mum, however cruel that may sound. Her saving won't go far so if she ever needs a care home then they would I assume take the house if it wasn't in my name.

I do make use of her finances in other ways as I'm unemployed. When I do the online shopping, she pays for my toiletries! She doesn't realise! My attitude is that because the mortgage, house insurance, car insurance and all the other necessities are a struggle on benefits then she can at least help me as she gets far more allowances than I do! She doesn't have all the stress either...

I've at last spoken to my doctor again who has spoken to Mum's doctor, on my behalf. He's talked to him about the fact that my health is suffering because of Mum, and about how stubborn she's being regarding respite. I now have to ring SS now and report back to my doctor.

You asked about Mum's age Jenny. She's 81 but could live 'til she's 100! She has very bad Arthritis and mild epilepsy. She had three minor strokes but nothing severe. She always tests negative for diabetes and she heals remarkably well from operations, even major ones. She had a new knee two years ago and was home in a week. Other ladies in there younger than her were being kept in for several weeks due to swollen legs and therefore being bed bound. Mum was walking within two days! The other knee has been replaced about 10 years ago so may need doing again. The only other thing she suffers with is her single incontinence which is sort of under control. None of these things are life threatening and there's no history of cancer or heart problems in the family so she could go for years yet! I think I will die first of exhaustion as I grumpily said to her GP a week ago!!

In answer to your question Henrietta about pills and not doing Mum's dossett box. Last Christmas she came out of respite due to a leg operation where she'd fallen on the stairs. They had these pill strips done by the pharmacy for some of her meds in the home. They were 4 week blister packs but only for some pills. Therefore, when she bought some home, I still had to sit there on Saturday nights and take all the pills out of that week's pack and put them in her dossett box. Some pills weren't in blister packs anyway. They were still in boxes! I have to take them out of the blister packs as her arthritis is too bad and she can't break any form of blister pack any more.

Even more aggravating is the fact that once they're in the dossett box she tells me I've put the wrong pills in the various slots!!

As for bed time Carers it means she has to go to bed at 9pm as that is their last single call. They also have 'doubles' to do. She cannot go to bed this early unfortunately as she can't sleep for more than about six hours due to her bad back, (she was injured in a car crash by the air bag which is why I refuse to wear a seat belt)!! She also gets woken up by her incontinence and the Carers can't get here earlier than 6.30 am.

I'm pinning my hopes on SS now.

Happy Christmas to you both.

[Greta]

Hi Sue,
It doesn't sound as if you have Continual Health Assessment. It means that the NHS takes over payment of your mother's care and health treatment irrespective of her property, provided she has what they call a primary health need - her problems are mainly health problems rather than social care problems. It is worth applying for, although it might not be granted.

[Sue_15071]

Hi Greta,

Does this apply even if I own the property and not Mum? If so, I will definitely apply for it.

Many thanks for letting me know about this.

Have as good Christmas

[bowlingbun]

Continuing Healthcare (CHC) is very much a postcode lottery. Some places it's easier to get than it used to be, 800% of the number receiving it about 5 years ago. In other areas, like mine, less than 45% of the number receiving it about 5 years ago now receive it!!! That's the Department of Health's own statistics. Google "CHC checklist" to see if there's any chance of mum receiving it. If so, ask your GP to arrange an assessment.

[Greta]

Sue,
By 'property' I mean whatever your mother owns, money or house. If her assets are above whatever the figure is, £23,500 or thereabouts, she will still not have to pay for her care if she is granted CHC. The fact that you now own the house, if that's the case, is not relevant.

[Sue_15071]

Hi Greta and Bowlingbun,

Thank you for your replies. I've googled CHC and painstakingly filled out a massive form only to find we don't qualify for any more than we're already getting! As you said Bowlingbun, I presume it's a postcode lottery!!

I shall still enquire with my GP's secretary though and the SS who I'm due to speak to on 31/12. Talking to humans is far better than websites although in this day and age they do have their part to play of course!

Thank you both again. Watch this space...!

Have a Happy Christmas and a Happy New Year