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Father refusing to go to care home - Carers UK Forum

Father refusing to go to care home

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Just after some advice. My father has been in hospital for two weeks because he has had a number of falls and increasingly can not walk or bare weight. He is being hoisted from bed to chair to commode. Before hospital he was at home with a a number of paid for carers day and night but he could walk short distances. We have been advised that he can no longer be looked after by one carer so we felt the best and only option was a care home. When this was put to my dad he went tearful and outright refused to even consider it. He wants to go home and we have been told that legally he can not be stopped if this is what he wants. ( Not sure who would take him because he can't get in a car) My mother however- who has in the past been suicidal due to the pressures of looking after him- does not want him at home. He is very demanding/controlling and shows little compassion or gratitude towards my mother. She says she thinks she will go back on the downward spiral if she has to have him (and a string of carers) in the house again. Tomorrow the hospital have a 'best interests' meeting - not sure what that is? Not sure what the answer is at the moment- any advice appreciated.
Dig your heals in and say that he is unable to come home. And that there won't be anyone there to care for him if he does as your Mum is going away for an extended break as she is now unwell herself due to the pressure of caring. Say that if he is sent home he will not be safe and you will be holding the hospital/social services responsible if harm comes for him . Phrases like "unsafe discharge from hospital" and "safeguarding issue" are good to drop in.

It is horrible to do this, but necessary. He is at a stage where one person can no longer look after him

I was in the same situation with my Mum and Dad. It was awful. But I vowed to myself that it would be over my dead body that I would allow him to go on caring for him any longer. Dad never forgave me, but I still believe that it was the right thing to do or both him and my Mum would be dead now had the situation gone on.

It wasn't easy though and you really do have to stand firm with the authorities.

Best of luck. It is a horrible situation.
I agree with Sally that you need to tell the hospital that he can't come home for the various reasons she has outlined above.

With Dad's lack of co-operation you could try the tack that it is only for "respite" or (given his age) "convalescence" after his hospital stay. My own Mum accepted "convalescence" as that implied she would be coming home eventually when the Doctor's decreed she was well enough, which of course didn't happen.
Replying under the assumption of full capacity on the part of your father - this part is important

Best interests vs personal wishes, complicated when loved one retains capacity under the MCA to make an informed decision on where they live. More so when the wishes of that person will actually cause harm to another (in this case spouse).

What I think needs to happen at a bare minimum is your father stays in care/respite for an undetermined period (usually 4/6 weeks) to allow social services to properly evaluate his day to day needs outside of a clinical setting - because the hospital have no concern with any of this, they just want him gone and bugger the rest when it comes to the fall out.

I agree he sounds like he needs to be living in care but even though his physical health is near the end of the road so long as an individual has their mind about them it is not straight forward at all, especially when the local authority is likely to side with your father
(for all the wrong reasons, they don't care about his wishes its just lip service, only £££ - if he owned property and lived alone SS would have him in care before you could blink)

If they attempt to discharge as aforementioned dig your heels in and tell them no. You do not have adequate care in place or a suitable living environment for a person with your fathers level of need, social services and the hospital need to sort this out between themselves. Do NOT allow them to pull a fast one because the hospital knows its chances of any actual accountability is slim to none their pro's at it.

Best wishes
karen_1911 wrote:
Tue Nov 05, 2019 9:41 pm
Just after some advice. My father has been in hospital for two weeks because he has had a number of falls and increasingly can not walk or bare weight. He is being hoisted from bed to chair to commode. Before hospital he was at home with a a number of paid for carers day and night but he could walk short distances. We have been advised that he can no longer be looked after by one carer so we felt the best and only option was a care home. When this was put to my dad he went tearful and outright refused to even consider it. He wants to go home and we have been told that legally he can not be stopped if this is what he wants. ( Not sure who would take him because he can't get in a car) My mother however- who has in the past been suicidal due to the pressures of looking after him- does not want him at home. He is very demanding/controlling and shows little compassion or gratitude towards my mother. She says she thinks she will go back on the downward spiral if she has to have him (and a string of carers) in the house again. Tomorrow the hospital have a 'best interests' meeting - not sure what that is? Not sure what the answer is at the moment- any advice appreciated.
Stick to your guns do not waver at all. Refuse to compromise. Insist on him living in a care home if there is no other practical option. In other words, be stubborn with them at the meeting tomorrow. Your mom’s mental health is also important. Have you discussed care homes with her or not? This is a online care home directory that should be useful http://www.carehome.co.uk.

Quite frankly, the only thing this particular hospital care about is money, they are not seeing the full picture. Will he change? Ask yourself that question. If the answer is no, then you know what you must do. Find a good care home. What does your heart say? Trust your instinct.
Many thanks to all of you. He eventually gave in and said he'd go anywhere to get out of hospital ward- which to be honest wasn't a very pleasant environment. Yes he is still of reasonably good mind. As suggested he has gone to a lovely Care Home today in a Hub bed provided for 6 weeks by the NHS. Hopefully he will settle and we can then pay privately for him to continue. It is a bus ride away from my mother and she is keen to join him for 'free' meals and events!! It's been a tough couple of weeks but hopefully he will settle.

If anyone knows if a hub bed is the same as a private bed but paid for by NHS i would be interested. Or is it a lesser service/accommodation usually?
Hi Karen,

I'm so pleased that he hasn't gone straight home.

I've never ever heard the term "Hub" bed, so I suggest that you ring the CCCG (NHS Continuing Care Commissioning Group) to find out more. Perhaps you could share the answer with us when you find out?

My main concern is that whether it will be possible to stay at that particular home when his 6 weeks is up?
Maybe you could go and talk to the Matron/Manager and find out a bit more?
What ought to have happened is that when dad agreed to be discharged somewhere other than home, you as family were consulted, to avoid yet another move somewhere else in 6 weeks time.

Remember, do NOT sign anything about this placement!
Dad should also have an NHS Continuing Healthcare Assessment before the family accept ANY responsibility. This would potentially give dad a free bed at the home for life, or until his condition improves and his needs reduce. Highly unlikely.

Dad should be receiving Attendance Allowance or DLA or PIP. You need to tell the AA Unit about his hospital admission and move to the home. Don't forget.
They write really snotty letters if they find out later, and demand their money back. Even after someone dies, the tone of their letter is very insensitive.
Finally, make sure EVERYTHING dad has at the home is CLEARLY marked, ideally with a sew in or iron on label in a very prominent position. Make sure he doesn't have anything of value either, or you won't see it again. My mum's home (one of the best in the New Forest) didn't want any residents to have any cash and so operated an account system, they paid for newspapers, hairdresser etc. and then billed residents at the end of the month.
That sounds like a great result. Really glad that you have found a solution. I hope he settles and can stay there.