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Wants to go home from care home. - Carers UK Forum

Wants to go home from care home.

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I’m new to this site, and I’m reaching out for advice.
I have been a carer for my husband for the last 7 years. He is an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. Last summer he had to go into hospital with aspiration pneumonia. Once he was medically fit to be discharged he went into a nursing home. Whilst there he slowly improved - as his condition was likened to ARD and the longer off the alcohol the more “with it” he became. Just after Christmas he was moved to a care home. He is now demanding to go home. He had been assessed as having capacity.
Verbally he is very good but I know for sure if he comes home he will deteriorate fast. He still is verbally abusive, wants his own way all the time, no personal hygiene, can’t cope with finances. I have just returned to work after being off for over a year. I am devastated at the thought of him coming home, I won’t cope.
My question is - can I refuse to let him come home, and let social services find him somewhere, like assisted living?
My home is a council flat.
Thanks for reading.
Goodness other people on this forum will know better than me, but I am sure you don’t have to do this. I would be wary of any professionals trying to put pressure on you, but I think you need to be very clear and firm. Anyway they don’t know him and your situation like you do, and if they make assumptions that aren’t right, you can put them right. It sounds like it would not be the right thing for either you or for him. If he has capacity then he is able to weigh up and decide for himself between his options, and to take in that you aren’t one of them. I presume the home and social services and maybe GP will discuss options with him. You may also need support in getting your point across, about it not being something you are willing or able to do, and would not be good for him either, based on past history. I hope you get lots of support. You sound like you’ve been through more than enough already

You will need to explain to whoever is making these decisions that we're not in the 50/60/70's (etc) where this sort of thing got brushed under the carpet, its 2019, and abuse is abuse, nomatter what form it takes.
Hubby's aspirations of going home to you went out the window when he started treated you badly.

Your not able to take care of him, he has a poor track record of taking care of himself.
Even with support coming in, it would be a danger for him to be around you based on what you've said.. and honestly this idea of him "demanding" to go home actually makes me uncomfortable as you describe the behaviour has not changed.

They have a duty of care to you as well, not just your husband.

You have the right to a life of your own (and not feeling endangered in living it)
Surely you should be able to refuse to have him home if the relationship has broken down or you feel at risk.

Best wishes
He has brought this on himself. Would it be possible for you to divorce him?