Carers UK Forum

Hi,
Not quite sure how to put the heading in any case,fairly new partner of four months having bi polar 1 and careering towards a breakdown just after moving from Scotland to stay with me.We met 13 years ago working together as chefs,as I also have bi polar but bi polar 2 it seemed we both got on really well as friends because we could understand our own behaviour/language
In any case, we went our seperate ways and met up again 13 years later through a mutual friend,the head chef who had hired us both.Since the for four months we have been partners,however he hid the fact then when he was heading down to come and stay with me his condition had deteriorated to the point where he was extremely manic,paranoid,incoherent and acted very much like a child having a tantrum if not getting his own way and that had to be the only way.He had been refusing treatment saying he could handle it all himself,he was fine and didn't need any doctors or help,however I had no idea of what was about to come when he arrived.To cut to the point,he drank non stop and never slept,was always gabbling to me for hours about one subject then another,in the end he decided to take a load of pills and end his life,since being discharged from hospital he has had to stay with me 24/7 as he has nowhere else to go (family issues) and as I am in recovery myself I am worried that the treatment I have been having over 4 years will be for nothing as I have started to revert to feeling like I have gone completely as a person and am just a functioning robot with no feelings,since his breakdown I have frantically been registering him with a GP,sought professional counselling help to come for home visits whilst he is waiting for a psychiatrist referral,a diagnosis confirmation and get him appointed a CPN and the necessary medication.In addition because when he lost consciousness he hit his head really hard on a car bonnet which cause some head trauma making him extrememely irritable and abusive in the mornings to gabbling incoherently the next,followed by the same manic behaviour. However I really don't want to give the impression this is all his fault as it is very clear he is very sick mentally and desperately needs help.I have had absolutely no experience of being a carer for somebody before,the positive thing is because I have had a lot of psychotherapy and a CPN and properly medicated I have experience in dealing with this form of mental illness;personally though I have noticed my daily routine slipping,my hands are filled with getting all the medical and financial side of things sorted for him as we are living on the breadline with my benefits,most days I just feel like I could just disappear.He is unable to keep to a basic routine of showering when needed,clearing up after himself etc which I do for him,and also do the shopping,cook the meals and try to make him rest although he gets very aggressive being manic he needs to be constantly moving around and as a 6"2 well built scotsman I can't physically stop him wandering off.There is absolutely no peace or quiet from dawn till sometimes all night as he wakes me up to talk about some thoughts that were racing around in his head.I feel extremely down right now,I was managing alright at first but could feel myself sliding down,to the point where I self harmed again which I have not done in a year and a half,and feel like I just want to walk out of my flat and vanish.I have looked at sites that can help train me in how to care for my partner as I am currently just going by common sense and what experience I have had to draw on,basically I just feel so so alone and completely exhausted,and very down.Please if anybody can give any advice or help it would be greatly appreciated.I know a lot of people have it so much harder than me so please forgive me if it sounds like I am moaning.Fran

Hi Francesca
Caring is a stressful situation, especially when of sudden onset and when one is already fragile.
From what you say and given your own MH history I do wonder if you should be caring formally.
Can you not be a supportive friend instead?
He would need to find or be found somewhere else to live - Shelter may help. At the end of the day he must be responsible for his own health a nd recovery. It seems he's just pushed everything on to you. This is not good for him, and could well be disastrous for you.
Mind has a helpline and much information.
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/
And here's the link for Shelter
http://www.shelter.org.uk

MrsA

I'm sorry to say this, but I think he is gone WAY beyond your ability to cope with him, and is a clear danger to himself (suicidal) AND to you.

It's good that he realises (belatedly!) that he is indeed very ,very ill. I wonder if you could use this to get him to your nearest A and E - and basically 'leave him there'.

I know this sounds drastic but he CANNOT go on like this living with you (and 'off' you, in the sense of having completely 'collapsed' on you). He really does need hospitalisation, wehther that is sectioning or not is up to the NHS.

BUT, as you know yourself, the NHS is desperate NOT to have to care at all for MH folk, let alone expensively hospitalise them. Therefore, if you simply 'go to the doctor' they will expect YOU to go on housing and caring for him....

The only way, so far as I can see - and perhaps other members have better ideas??!!!! - is to take him physically to A and E, tell the staff he is (a) suicidal (b) manic (c) dangerous to you and (d) (MOST Important) is HOMELESS>

Tell them you are NOT his carer, and CANNOT have him back to you.

Then LEAVE.

I do suspect this is the only way to 'force the issue' and get him 'out' of your house (for now, at least - yes, maybe maybe maybe you can make a go of the relationship but NOT YET by a long, long way - he needs a LOT of treatment first!), and get him INTO treatment (even if that means hospitalisation.)

Don't tell him you're going to do this....

I know this sounds harsh, but it does sound as if he re-connected with you out of desperation....(at least that was in the mix.)

What I'm going to say can sound 'cruel' but it really is only a refletion on how despairing a person with MH can become. BUT, they do 'collapse' on people, they 'leech' off them in a way that reflects their terror and incapacity. They are not being 'deliberately parasitical and helpless' - they are like people flailing desperately around, and if they find ANYONE to 'take them in' (and take them on) then they do just 'collapse' on them.

But that's fine (up to a point!) IF the person they 'collapse' on has the strength, money, facilities, determination and above all GOOD HEALTH (mental and physical) to do so. But you don't.

You can't be his carer the way he is now. From reading your post, I think that comes across very, very obviously.

I do feel very sorry for him, but this is NOT getting him to a 'better place' is it?

I wish you (both) all the very best, and hope that indeed your relationship can, eventually flourish, when BOTH you and he are 'better' (however that is defined)

Kindest wishes at a very very troubling time for you (and him) - Jenny