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Resentment - Carers UK Forum


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Why do i feel so much resentmemt towards my husband's family. I agreed to take my mother in law to stay with us for a short spell back in April after being in hospital. We had carers in three times a day for six weeks so as to get her back on her feet. She was doing well so we tried to get her to do more for herself and held back on paid care until we knew where she was going. My sister in law also said she could stay with her. Well she's been with us for five months and we havent had a break. We have decided to bring in paid morning support which is taking forever. She cant wash herself and is incontinent. She has very poor mobility and no balance at all. Last week i totally lost it because i have tbis every day with no break and her daughter thinks its enough to take her to the hairdressers once in a while. I desperately need a break and said to her daughter she can stay with you permanently you guessed it her response was to put her in a home. Me and my husband both work full time and cover the care logging in from our laptops at home. We have adult children too that come home time to time. His sister and my situation are the same. I need a holiday bigtime and i trying to sort out respite for a week. She's had five weeks holiday since March only works parttime and informs me shes off again for another week on friday. This is so unfair.
Hello Gwen
Of course you feel resentful. I would in your position . I don't feel you can allow it to go on. It's not fair and you are being taken for granted.
A family meeting is needed in my opinion.I personally dislike the term ' put her in a home '. Do you feel a residential home would be beneficial for your mother in law? Never mind what your sister in law wants, she is known on the forum as a helicopter relative! How does your husband feel?
You are very important and have been wonderful to look after your mother in law for this amount of time.
I know others on the forum will post good advice to you.
Just want you to know I'm on your side
Pet 66
Definitely the family need to sit and work it out together, and hopefully take Mums views and needs into account,
The daughter may well change her mind when she sees the costs of homes, and that such would reduce her inheritance share.
Meanwhile its well worth you and hubby being paid by Mum for the care you give, ok maybe not the full rate but enough for everyone to realise the value of what you are doing.
Search this forum for 'helicopter' and you'll read lots of stories and suggestions from people who have been or are in similar positions.

You also need to get needs and carers assessments and to gen up on the limits etc for care costs and who pays. See the different topics on the home page of carers uk for more info.

And, yes, I do fully understand your resentment, frustration and fatigue. Perfectly natural in the circumstances
Yes, your sister in law is being outrageous. Unacceptable.

First, sit down with your husband, and decide what the options are, and what you yourselves actually want.

For example, could you cope if you had a 'share the care' of your MIL, whereby she split her time equally between you and your SIL? (Are there any other children around, or is it just your husband and his sister?).

That might be option one.

However, if you feel that you actually couldn't cope AT ALL any longer, even with six months of the year (say, every other month or whatever swapping your MIL between yourselves and her daughter), then not even that solution would work. In which case the only option really for your MIL is residential care in a care home.

Of course, your sister in law might decide (as seems likely from what you say) to refuse to have ANY care of her mum, and simply want her put in a residential home anyway if muggins (that's you!) is finally starting to object to her outrageous intent of dumping all her mum's care on YOU!

A third option might be for you to have your MIL (leaving SIL out of it), but 'sharing the care' not with SIL but with a LOT of residential respite care for your MIL (say, every other month or whatever you feel you can cope with.) This might be a little less expensive than full time residential care, but you might have difficulty in finding that much residential respite care available?

One absolutely essential thing to do, however, IF you end up doing ANY of the care, but your SIL does ZILCH, is to PAY YOURSELVES for whatever amount of care that you do. Otherwise you are simple 'subsidising' your exploitative SIL.

As others are pointing out, of course, if your MIL has sufficient funds (property and savings worth more than £23k, the current threshold set) to mean she has to self-fund any care, including respite residential and full time residential, then your SIL might suddenly realise that 'putting mum in a home' will wipe out any hopes of her inheriting anything when her mother dies - the money will have gone on the care home! (Care homes will cost at least £100 a DAY - that's what my MIL's costs!)

Many families 'drift into caring' without really realising the implications, and that it is all too often a 'lobster pot' - the caree seldom 'recovers' sufficiently to go back to living independently. And even if they do for a while, old age keeps on going remorselessly. Your MIL already sounds in a pretty bad way (incontinence is always a bad sign, alas), and will simply get worse and worse.

She may have already passed the point where anything other than full time residential care is possible.

Whatever happens, the current situation can't continue. Personally, I would insist on a 'back payment' from your MIL to cover the cost of what you have done already, to stop that amount of money being 'filched' by lazy SIL when her mum does die!

(Oh, and by the way, any 'whining' by SIL that she 'cannot' look after her mum because of blah blah blah whatever, but you CAN, is utterly irrelevant. The ONLY point is 'what is fair' - and what is NOT fair is the current situation, and that's that.)