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elderly parents carer - Carers UK Forum

elderly parents carer

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Hello everyone. I'm new here. Just looking for some advice please.
I'm 39 and work full time in care. I also live at home with my elderly parents who are 83 and 77. My mum has Parkinsons disease and has slowed down alot especially since lock down as she's not been going out as often.
I've been struggling myself with trying to keep all the plates spinning. I have 2 brothers but they do not live local and have busy jobs. One is in the forces and the other the police so they are not always around to help out.
I take them both to any appointments and do the weekly shop. I also do most of the house work and gardening.
I have recently been extra busy with work due to covid and working extra hours then coming home to help around the house.
I recently took some annual leave from work and I started to fall apart. I didnt realise how stressed I'd become. It was like a shock to the system. Not only this due to the lock down I spent most of the 2 weeks leave with my parents and found it hard work. Without the distraction of work I realised I can no longer cope.
Today we had a family meeting. Myself my parents and siblings. I have decided I need my own space so I'm going to look at moving out. I like living with my parents but I feel I don't have a life of my own. I've never moved out of home so this is going to be a big change.
Am I doing the right thing?
Clare_2104 wrote:
Sat Apr 03, 2021 5:02 pm

Am I doing the right thing?
Absolutely 100% yes: your parents won't get any younger, their demands on your time will only ever increase.

There has to be a different strategy rather than getting sucked in to being their full time carers - that is nothing but a relentless soul-destroying grind.

Have you been in touch with Social Services to arrange a Needs Assessment for your parents?
You are doing the right thing.
When did you last take a 2 week break to recharge you batteries?
Either they choose to have carers come into their home, or move together into residential care.
Clare - run whilst you can. Don't end up like me where my family sort of sacrificed me into being the step in Dad and carer and home help. 15 years down the line and I have very little confidence left.

I wish I had your courage to up and go.

Like you, work is my escape even though work is very draining and pressured!

Good luck.
Are your parents both claiming Attendance Allowance?
This would enable them to pay for carers to come in. If they have under £46,000 in savings between them, Social Services would part fund the carers.
You are daughter, not slave!
Thanks everyone for your advice. I don't feel they need specific care in their own home yet. They seem to manage most things between them. It's just while I'm here they seem to rely on me more. Like my brother said I do things because it's quicker and easier than watch them struggle but I know they can do it.
The first step is me seeing if I can borrow enough money to buy my own place. Then once I've moved out we will all see if they can manage without help. If they need carers then we will go down that route. My brothers are hoping that they won't want to rattle around in a 3 bed house when it's just them. Fingers crossed they will look to downsize to a retirement property.
I'm nervous about leaving them as I've never lived away from home. I'm going to stay local so I can pop in and see them but then have my own space in my own home.
Downsizing isn't really a good idea, because then they will end up with a lot of money and Social Services won't give them any help until they have under £46,000.
Who is going to help them downsize before moving???
It's been decided that I will move out once I find somewhere suitable to live.
It will then be a case of seeing if they can cope on their own . Like my brother said they rely on me because I'm here. If I'm not here they might do more for themselves.
If they need care then that will need to be put on place plus a cleaner/gardener.
I still want to help my mum and dad and will stay in the local area I just need my own space physically and mentally.
Thanks for your advice so far.
Keep in touch. Expect some panic when they realise you are serious about going. You NEED to go.
I would just like to add that it is actually beneficial for elderly people to do tasks for themselves rather than sit back and let others do things for them! It gets them moving around, boosts their self esteem and helps to keep their brains sharp!