Drug addict mum with bpd. I feel alone.

[MeggeM]

Hi Gemma welcome to the forum i am caring for my hubby who has just recently been diagnosed with Dementia we are only in our 50s so am trying to come to terms with it like you said it is all new and dont know how to handle these situations so it is very daunting please never think you are alone that is why i joined the forum and it has given me back a little of my sanity I know when you say about isolating yourself as that is what i do as i do get the feeling people who are not going through something like this really don't get it I find they say things like "Oh i am sorry but i just do not know what to say"and then i must admit i feel like oh just go away it is awful having these feelings but i think it is all part and parcel of the process so i feel for you greatly especially with the age you are and i am sending plenty of hugs thinking of you and take care xx

Thank you susan.its reassuring to hear that you also find it difficult to see friends because it feels like they don't understand. I've been feeling guilty and also a bit pathetic for not feeling up to being sociable but it just feels like so much energy to either a. Pretend everything is fine or b. try and explain what's going on to somebody who doesn't understand. But I do end up feeling quite isolated and alone when I cut myself off from people. I'm sorry to hear about your situation also. Sending best wishes your way.

[Susan_160712345]

Hi MeggeM i do apologise for thinking you where called Gemma i dunno where that came from excuse my mixed up mind at present:)and it is not always the fact of isolating yourself people do make you feel that way sometimes i mean my son has just informed me when i picked him up from work a member of my hubbies family actually went into his work place and asked if she could have a word with him about his dad i was actually livid thought to myself what a nosy so and so what has our personal circumstances got to do with her zilch basically and this is the type of person i would definitely isolate myself from I am so angry Take care xx

[MeggeM]

Sorry to hear this Susan, some people think it's their right to get involved and don't think at all about the consequences for anybody else. Hope both you and your son are ok.

[susieq]

I hear what you say about this being a safe space but I'm a bit nervous about speaking too brazenly incase anybody who knows me or my mum ever reads what I write. How private are the posts on here? Do you know?

Whilst nothing in cyber space can ever be said to be 100% private, there are areas of the forum that can only be read by Forum Members. If you look down the main Index you will see that there are sections marked "PRIVATE only viewable by Carers UK Members" - these are not available to a casual browser. It's also wise to not be too specific about your personal life, use initials for people in your life rather than their names and if you want to talk about the area you live just talk in generalities (i.e. Scotland rather than, say, Aberdeen etc). As Jenny has already intimated, you can say anything you want here - none of us will judge you, most have been there, done that and got the t-shirt to prove it !

[MrsAverage]

Hi Meggem
I care for my adult son who has mental health problems and I too withdraw from friends. It's a combination of not wanting to admit anything's wrong and of not wanting to have to explain about it, plus I just don't have the energy.
What I do find helps me is to have a couple of activities where no one knows my situation e.g. an exercise class , and some counselling helps too. To understand that my caree is ultimately responsible for his actions and that I can support but not cure was an important lesson.
It sounds like you have done brilliantly so far but I would suggest it is time to start looking after yourself first and your Mum second. You will only be able to carry on helping her if you are well, supported and informed yourself.
Do keep posting here, it really is a wonderful place to find people who understand
Xx
MrsA

[christina 17]

Hi Meggem

I have a daughter who suffers from Bi Polar / personality disorder (she is in her mid thirties)and I look after her daughter.
It has been extremely hard for my husband and I over the years to see her suffer through her extreme mood swings. You feel like you are treading on eggshells a lot of the time.
She has gone through so many extremes of behaviour and hospital admissions.
It too will be hard for her daughter, like you, when her daughter is older (my husband and I are 66). At the moment we protect our granddaughter and she has supervised visits to her mum.
When the illness was new to us, I did go along to Bi polar meetings for carers and sufferers and it did help a great deal, also alcohol anonymous, for friends and family, to get a bit more understanding.
But when the person is in the middle of a crisis it is particularly hard to try and judge when to step back to try and protect yourself. A lot of guilt felt by us, when we don't respond to every abusive and demanding phone call but it could be a turn up at our house instead at any time of night. Hours spent consoling her etc.
(I have a mother of 90 also, who is about to go into a care home permanently)

Try and seek all the help you can get. perhaps ask also your GP for support from a counsellor?
Wishing you all the best thru the extreme emotional trauma and how I understand what you are going thru and how hopeless you must feel at times.

Please take care of yourself.

[Maxwell_1602]

Hi Meggem
So sorry to hear what you are going through. You have got a lot of good advice here and it is a great place to vent. Even just writing this can help you release built up stress.

Whether you care for someone old or young one of the biggest stressors seems to be guilt - "am I really doing enough?" I look after my daughter and it has taken me a long time to start accepting that the situation is what it is. So don't beat yourself up,take care of yourself and try not to get too frustrated.

[MeggeM]

Thank you everybody. It really is so good to feel like I'm being heard by people who can relate to the ways that I feel. Thank you for all of your advice as well. I do actually already see a therapist - I've had various forms of counselling/therapy over the years and I find it really helpful. Thanks again for taking the time to write back to me

[jenny lucas]

Dear Megge

Yes, I do think it's worse (not sure compared with what, though!) when it's one's mum. But I think the reason is this - I don't know about you, but from the start I grew up thinking 'I've got to help mum'....it was programmed into me. I don't think she did it deliberately, or even consciously (see below!), but I know I grew up with it programmed right deep, deep, deep into my entire being. I was 'dedicated' to trying to solve mum's problems, to making her life better, to making her happy. 'If only' became my mantra.

I was 'responsible' for her happiness and wellbeing. It was my mission in life. My complete mission.....

This sounds harsh, but it was true, and it took me a LONG time (decades!) to realise that actually, I was NOT 'responsible' for making my mother happy. It was NOT my 'mission' in life. Actually, it was HER mission - I mean that as with each and every one of us, it was her responsibility to be happy, to find it for herself, to sort herself out.

That isn't to say that I should walk away from her and abandon her - it was to say that I realised that it did not matter WHAT I did, I could neither cure her, nor make her happy. It was, quite simply, outwith my powers.

I think that what parents with MH do to their children is, without, I say, deliberate intent, is make them feel that nightmare responsibility. They turn us, in short, into their own parents! And it, again to be horrible about it, steals our lives.....

I don't think MH parents do it 'deliberately' - they are not nasty, but they ARE, I believe, completely and utterly self-focussed. They just can't 'see' beyond themselves, and their own woes. They truly don't realise what they do to us.....

MH is a very, very, VERY difficult entity, I personally believe. And the reason it is so is because it is very difficult, indeed, some might say impossible, to discern where what I might call 'the moral landscape' lies.

The blunt question is - how much should we expect of MH people by their own efforts? To what extent does the condition exempt them from what the rest of us would call 'decent' behaviour to other people?

I think that is a hugely difficult question to answer, and very controversial.

One way I tackle it is to say 'to my mind, a person with MH absolutely MUST make SOME degree of effort, according to the limitations of their condition'. In a way, up to a point it doesn't really matter what degree of effort is possible, even a very small amount for some MH people, but it's essential that they make it. They must TRY not to be such a burden to their carers......

I do feel, again, speaking entirely personally, that we are judged (by God, other people, whatever!) on the effort we make and the cost that effort demands. When the cost if very high, then our effort need be proportionately smaller. But it must be there.

So the question I would ask you is this - do you think your mum makes any degree of effort to reduce the burden that she is on you (and, sadly, she 'is' a burden - in terms of emotional and practical toll)(however much she loves you). If you believe she does, then what you do for her is justified. But if not?.......?????

I'm glad you're getting counselling - I think that is an excellent 'neutral' source of guidance for you, to discern just what you should be coping with, what you should NOT cope with (ie, 'walk away') and how to protect yourself mentally from the toll that having an MH mother in your life.

[Andrew _1608]

Hello welcome to the forum
I hope you can find the people on here that who may not know exactly what you are going through can emphasis with you
I myself have suffered from severe depression borderline manic
Now I'm a carer for my wife who has copd and fibromyalgia
Just having someone to talk to helps