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Don't want to care for my husband any more - Carers UK Forum

Don't want to care for my husband any more

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Am I obliged to care for my husband when I've had enough. He won't agree to going into a care home for a couple of weeks to give me a break and I am so fed up. I've had a carer's assessment and hopefully at some point in the next few months I'll get 3 hours a week respite care. Husband is no longer interested in doing daily exercises and just sits and watches the TV or sleeps. Every time I mention exercises etc he just tells me to go away. I wish I could escape. Don't know how much longer I can continue. How do people cope?
Edith,

Unless he is assessed as no longer having mental capacity - you can't decide he needs to go into a care home, unfortunately.

You can however refuse to care for him. You will need to request an updated Needs Assessment that takes this into account and the extra care he will need should be covered by the Needs assessment.

If he won't go into a care home to give you a break, would you consider going away instead? I know its not the same as having the house to yourself, but it might be a compromise. He has the paid carers coming in to change him, could they prepare his breakfast, a microwave meal for lunch and sandwiches etc for his supper. I can't remember if he is self funding or social care pay for his care? But you could request an extra visit for him each day whilst you are away.

Also, inform social care that you are doing this. It might also make him realise how much you do and decide going into respite next time is a better option.

Melly1
No advice but sending hugs. I do not want to care for my vicious 83 year old husband anymore - been doing it since Jan 2013 officially but unofficially longer. Melly is sadly correct though - if he has mental capacity, you cannot MAKE him go into a care home so you can get a much needed rest.

Melly's suggestions are good . Could you get away even for a couple of nights? Other option is to try and make local friends. Even getting out for 2 hours can be a godsend and help keep you sane and give you a reason to carry on. Do you have a local Carers Group? You may feel you do not want to socialise with other Carers but concentrate on other things? I chair 2 Book Clubs . Just have a think about what is going on locally and see if anything would work.
Edith67 wrote:
Fri Sep 23, 2022 3:21 pm
Am I obliged to care for my husband when I've had enough. He won't agree to going into a care home for a couple of weeks to give me a break and I am so fed up. I've had a carer's assessment and hopefully at some point in the next few months I'll get 3 hours a week respite care. Husband is no longer interested in doing daily exercises and just sits and watches the TV or sleeps. Every time I mention exercises etc he just tells me to go away. I wish I could escape. Don't know how much longer I can continue. How do people cope?
Hey, I am not coping too good either, I'm a carer for my mother who is now 67 or 68 i can't remember and have been doing so fo 10 years.I too am fed up with it as I've been doing it so long and I'm not even that good at it. I've only just managed to go out on my own and for longer periods but it just isn't enough for me anymore.

People just keep on telling me to just get out and just leave home but it's hard because my mum has no-one else and absolutely refuses to go in a care home or have professional carers come in to help her instead of me. She told me that if I left she would just have to struggle on her own and her conditions would get worse.

I understand completely how it is for you, would you like to tell me more about the kind of things you have to do for him ?
It is easy for others to give advice, Lord J but only you can make the decision to leave. I am in a similar position but my husband is much older so sadly I have to wait for nature to take its course.

My only advice is to look into finding a good counselor who has some experience of caring and setting boundries and yes, leaving a very hard situation. This will give you a safe place to look at options re moving forward. Your mother could go on another 20 years. I honestly thought my husband would be dead by now after the brain heamatoma back in 2013, followed by Sepsis/kidney issues in 2016 and the Embolism in 2022, but on and on he goes. I totally get how hard it would be to leave her but she will survive . If you do go, you MUST write to the GP telling them that they have a duty of care to her and you are no longer able to care. It is YOUR life. I get 'touch love' too from the members of this Forum and their comments are given to make us 'think outside the box' and realise that we do have choices but progressing them wont be easy.
LJ, you have to look at this differently.
Mum will only accept outside carers when you are not there. She will never accept them when she bullies you into staying.

No normal mother would do this, parents should want to see their children leave home, have their own happy lives, marry, have children, their own home.
I'm getting more and more stressed out. I've had a carer's assessment and hopefully will eventually get a couple of hours respite care a week. In the meantime I'm quietly going nuts. I'm not esting properly and can barely get enough calories into my husband. I really don't want to continue and hate every day. I know there are people far worse off than me. How do you manage to keep going?
On another note, can anyone suggest some really easy lunchtime meals. I hate cooking and just do soup every day. My husband won't eat bread of any description so sandwiches are out. He also won't touch energy drinks of any kind. I wonder how long he can keep going. I'm dreadful the winter months.
Two hours respite is simply not enough, but you need to press for it.
Good luck.
Edith,

Let your GP know how desperate you are feeling and see if he can push for more short breaks for you.

In the same way your husband can refuse to go into respite care, so too, you can also insist on going away. You could let socai care know you are doing this and they/you could arrange care visits for him whilst you are away - if he refuses to let them care for him - that's his choice. However, he may realise he needs to accept their support.

Re lunch meals. How about tinned lunches - baked beans, tinned spaghetti, macaroni cheese, tinned beans with sausages. Omelettes are quick and easy too. He could have crackers/ crisp breads/ Ryvita instead of bread with cold meat/cheese/tinned fish/ paste. You also serve you both soup - yours with bread and his with noodles instead.

Melly1