[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 585: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/phpbb/session.php on line 641: sizeof(): Parameter must be an array or an object that implements Countable
Domestic Abuse - Carers UK Forum

Domestic Abuse

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I have been suffering abuse from the partner I care for, it has got so bad this year that I can no longer stand it, how do i go about getting help from his verbal and physical abuse? When he cant get his own way he phoned police and had me arrested for stealing the mobile phone he uses and so-called assault, second occasion he phoned police saying I was a 'retard! I had gone off on my own to get away from him! I have been hit, smothered, threatened, continually verbally abused by him. I have had enough, my life is a living hell! He has arthritis is on numerous medications including morphine. Any advice please? :-???
You need help from the Police, but they will need evidence.
Others on the forum have recorded the verbal abuse on their phones, which has really helped. Be very careful.
What is he on morphine for? You don't normally have that for arthritis.
Hi Cynthia,

contact http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

There is a quick exit button on this website that you can click if he enters the room, if he clicks back to see what you are looking at, it will take him to a fake news story.

Melly1
Do you have access to a mobile phone? If so, call your local Council. They should have a domestic abuse team or point you in the direction of an organisation that will be able to help.

The website that Melly has mentioned is also very helpful.

Whose house do you live in? Is it yours or his? You can have him removed if it is your property.

If you ever feel in danger, just phone the Police.
Hello Cynthia

Thanks for posting in the Forum about your situation. I was sorry to hear that you're having a really tough time at the moment. In addition to the helpful suggestions from other members, I've sent you an email with some other suggestions of help and support.

Wishing you well

Michael
Hi Cynthia, I suffered 41 years of all form of abuse from my first husband. I felt like I could not leave him because he was an ill man and it made me feel guilty. Due to that, my kids went through hell too. I should have been stronger, but it is difficult as you feel as though you have no where to turn. My own opinion of advise to you with hindsight is to get yourself away and then contact adult social services to inform them of your circumstances and that he is now alone. Explain any illnesses and any care he might need. That way you have handed him over so to speak.

Do not follow in my footsteps. If my husband had not died in 2012 I would probably still be there.

Hope all goes well for you love. I fully understand your position.
How can someone become so abusive? What was considered ungrateful or merely frustration is now downright cruelty.
When someone is overcome with ill health - there can be feelings of frustration at not being able to do the things that we all take for granted any more.
There's the frustration of being confined in the home - made worse by Covid related lockdowns/restrictions. Hence leading to further, more prolonged domestic or relationship problems.
Situations like this can bring about complete personality changes in people - and cause further heartbreak.
Health problems aside, that's not an excuse for this behaviour.
You are literally giving up your own life and having to tolerate behaviour that even paid health workers would draw the line at.
You may find it helpful to contact the appropriate medical professionals at your health centre or social services and request a full medical assessment for your partner.
Depending from which angle you look at this, your partner may be experiencing further health complications which could be affecting his mind and personality. There may be the psychological implications of being confined due to the illness, such as depression and anxiety.
Diet and medication could also be affecting his behaviour, especially if there are further health issues involved.
There may also be an element of jealousy caused by the knowledge of you being independent - and a secret fear of you not returning.
Bullying becomes more painful when the recipient (such as yourself) finds themselves feeling 'trapped', without escape.
This is made worse because the bullying/controlling will erode your self-confidence to a point where you feel the need to stay.
Some action is needed for your own physical and mental well-being. There's going to be a serious accident or injury caused here and this treatment cannot go on for much longer.
It does raise a serious issue regarding the severity of your partner's illness. Exactly how ill is he? He's able to physically abuse you.....There must be some level of fitness.
Maybe the man in your life has become too dependent. He's so used to you being his carer....Without you being there for him, he begins to panic and get angry.
From what you have written and described, it's you that's more at risk of suffering health issues because of him. The psychological trauma must be unbearable.
There are some options available. An ultimatum?.....He has paid carers or you leave?
Sadly. Leaving is never the easy option.
Can you convince your partner to have professional carers? You seem to be the primary carer in this situation.
Even if he is eligible for care. Will he refuse? He seems like a person who will certainly refuse if he has to pay for it.
Try to organise a 'one-to-one' session between your partner and a representative from the social care services.
There are times when a 'third party' can offer a fresh perspective.
There's the possibility your partner may 'open up' to a professional and honestly admit to his faults and bad behaviour. He may admit that he genuinely needs help and cannot go on like this.
Was there a time he wasn't like this? Has illness changed the man's outlook on life and made him become this selfish? Could he admit to that?
As mentioned earlier, this could all be the result of his inner frustrations coming to the surface, not knowing who else to blame and being angry.
It may at least be worth giving the above a try.
If all else fails. Then you will seriously need to ask yourself if this relationship can continue.
Although appreciating his illness/conditions are serious - there may be an element of exaggeration with regard to his symptoms and difficulties.
It's only fair to say that he must have some strength and a reasonable level of fitness to be able to physically attack you the way he does.
Your partner may be using his ailments as a psychological trap. Maybe a form of blackmail?
By all means take further advice from whatever sources you can. If the need arises - such as disputes over assets or claims for personal injury - you may want to seek legal advice.
From what you have been describing, you may need to involve the police as your situation could result in serious injury.
You may get some financial help towards 'starting over again' and accommodation if you are in financial difficulty - so it's worth looking into.
It's a very difficult situation. You've committed yourself to looking after this man - and it's likely that you still care enough not to just walk out and leave him stranded.
However. You are under his control and risk getting hurt in the process.
If your partner has the strength to abuse and control you, then he can either arrange his own care or take care of himself.