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Dificult Mum - Page 2 - Carers UK Forum

Dificult Mum

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Hi Barbara, I come with a tale of stubborness, Dad was the same as your mum stubborn to the last and refused to accept he shouldn't be upstairs anymore and wouldn't entertain the idea of a stair lift as they were just for old people who couldn't walk. One day the inevitable happened and he fell down the whole staircase, nearly knocked himself out and broke his leg in 2 places. Then after 3 months in hospital he returned home and I had to move him in downstairs. As dementia progressed a few years later I needed a stair gate as he forgot he didn't go upstairs to bed anymore.
I think the lesson learnt here is that - yes it is hard having an argument insisting on things changing now -but worth the grief to avoid the inevitable.
Did your dad live alone? My mum does at the moment and manages ok but obviously struggles with the stairs and will not listen to any suggestions which is very frustrating. I still,work(mainly for my samity) .My brother lives some distance away ,he comes to visit her every 8 weeks and phones once a week but apart from that everything is left to me.This is what’s so hard as sometimes it feels a bit overwhelming with the responsibility of it all.I know that I shouldnt complain I have seen some of the posts from people who have far worse problems with their role as careers which makes me feel guilty for even posting such a negative comment. If I needed to get any further help for her apart from why she has now I wouldn’t know where to start.Thanks for your previous reply
My late Mum was also very stubborn and I am sure it is mainly down to frustration and realising they can't do what they used to be able to do. Although my mother lived in the flat there were other issues such as forgetting that she was cooking something. So lots of burnt saucepans or not hanging up the phone so,when I tried to call it was always engaged! Luckily I didn't live far but did get fed up,to,be rushing over just in case she had had an accident.

The only advice I have (hindsight is wonderful). Just do what you can do and then accept the situation. Looking back I think things would have been so much better if I had made sure my Mum was safe and then said to myself. "It is what it is"
Barbara, having just read your first post, you say that mum has what I call a "Moanfest" whenever you visit.
Growing old is a priviledge, but comes with penalties.
(My lovely husband died at 58 from a massive heart attack, he didn't even make returement).
Keep telling mum this a few times. If it doesn't sink in, there is another tactic.

"Mum, there's no point in me being here if all you are going to do is moan at me". If she keeps on regardless, tell here "I don't have to listen to this" put your coat on, and go home.

You don't have to visit, you don't have to do anything at all for her. If she doesn't enjoy your visit, but just takes all her frustrations out on you, what's the point?.

At one point, when she was ill, and I wasn't well myself, having just had major life saving surgery, been recently widowed and a serious car accident, I would have loved to visit my mum and have a good old natter like we used to. I just couldn't cope with her "pity me" comments. At least she'd had a husband until she was 74, I was just 54 when mine died. I would regularly pass the end of her road, just 6 miles away from me, but there were many times when I thought "I just can't face it today".

When mum's mum was old, my mum was so self focussed she went years without going to see her own mum, just 15 miles away. In that time she went from auburn to grey. When I finally insisted she came with me to visit Gran, Gran didn't even recognise her own daughter!

However when mum was ill, she expected her own daughter, me, to be at her beck and call!

So please don't think you are the only one with a difficult relationship with a parent in life. Many of us had or have one too!
just logged on and this sounds like my carers story.Thanks for all the comments,i also struggle to cope with my Mum,90 yrs,still at home with my support.Mum does not accept i am her carer,which is very hard.
Wishing everyone a happy week..
If she doesn't accept you are her carer - stop turning up and caring for her! She'll soon twig that you are!!!!!!!!!